The Evils That Men Do

There are good men, there are jerks, and there is something in between. Right now I'm going to talk about things that the jerks and the sometimers do far to often, that makes it harder for good men who WANT to be in relationships to do so. The basic fact is - the bad guys know enough about women through experience to push certain buttons to get what they want, regardless of consequences.



1. Lying To Women Just To Get In Their Pants

Per the title of this blog, you can see I'm not really interested in lies, and I've mentioned my views on half-honesty (lawyer speak) and leaving things out in the past. Guys do that a lot and it makes it hard for the next man up to the plate when the last 3 were blatant jerks. Ladies, learn how to identify this behavior and - if you aren't down with what he wants - keep it moving.

Guys will tell all sorts of lies. They'll pretend to be interested in things (like you), they'll lie about where they live, who they live with, how many kids they have, how much money they make... all sorts of stuff.

How do you deal with this?

You have to wait a guy out. This takes months. If he's full of shit, he'll make a mistake or go away at some point. Contradictions will start to pop up. He'll be semi-available without a good reason (Good reasons - busy career, kids, family obligations, school). If he's really into you, he'll enjoy the process of getting to know you over time, and want to know more.


Now do you see why the 90 day rule isn't effective? Good. Gold star for you.




2. Not Being Upfront About Their Intentions

Similar to #1, but this takes the form of "yeah, I'm looking for a relationship", followed by perhaps actually saying the words "I'm your boyfriend", but he knows he was just trying to smash, and since you told him you wanted to be in a relationship he did what he had to do to make it happen. His other interests are in other cities or won't ever meet you so it really doesn't matter that you are "official". The internet made this harder for a time, but now certain guys just won't use Facebook as not to get caught up. Yesterday I dropped a line in one of those blogs that says "all wives are trophy wives". What I meant is, men like to show their women off. Not only for their looks. It's not a "contest" per se, but if I like my girl because she's gorgeous, smart, and funny, I'm going to bring her around so my boys can say "she's cool".

If you have a fake boyfriend, you'll never really meet his friends. You might "meet" them, but you won't be in position to have real conversations with them definitely.



3. Emotionally Manipulating a Woman

"Don't nobody else want your ass. I don't know who you think is going to treat you as well as I do" says the womanbeating guy who lives off your checks and eats your food. If you get into a situation with a non-freeloader, this is still possible. Men and women both have self-esteem issues. Men tend to deal with theirs around the age of 17. "Yeah I'm short. Yeah I have a fat head. I'll still get this money and chicks will come through". Women seem to carry theirs with them for much longer periods of time, and openly discuss them.

That's why you will often hear a man say he wants a woman who is "comfortable in her own skin". It's very hard to deal with a young lady who constantly bashes herself for physical flaws that he might not even see, or worse, actually likes. ("I like your nose"... "NO YOU DONT ITS HUGE AND I HATE IT AND I HATE YOUUUUUU")

Giving out this information makes a woman accessible to good guys and vulnerable to jerks. Most guys will never go there on you, as its a disgusting thing to do. If you deal with a man who you tell about a big problem and he jokes about you for it more than three times, he might be a jerk. If you have such a hotbutton flaw, the first or second time, he may not realize you REALLY are sensitive about it. So give him a pass and say "you know, that's something I'm not fully comfortable with. I know its a little silly but it makes me feel weird when you bring it up" and he'll shut up about it. Spazz out and start crying... he'll think you're crazy. Ar-tic-u-late.

But if you're at the point in the relationship where you both know its over but he has reasons for not wanting you to go, and he starts saying things he knows will mess with your emotions to keep you from leaving... you're going to need backup


4. Taking a Good Woman for Granted

This one is a little hard because while you may be a good girlfriend/wife/fiancee in the classical sense of the definition, any man will have problems truly being happy if you aren't meeting specific needs. Like... bedroom behavior. If you're only OK with missionary and he's into upside-down-hanging-off-the-ceiling-fan type stuff... u know... that's tough for a man. I can't even recommend compromise. You're probably going to have to learn to enjoy those things he likes to keep him. And vice versa.

With that out of the way...

It's always possible to fall into the trap of taking someone for granted. The grass looks greener on the other side. Her butt is bigger. Her lips are nicer. Etc etc. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about blatantly disregarding the woman you are with who is trying hard to make you happy, because you are pretty sure she's not going anywhere. A lot of women out there think this applies to them at some point in history, and while it MAY, it may not. Trying to make a man happy doesn't mean "trying to make our relationship work" or "trying to make him make me happy" or "trying to do what he likes so he'll do what I like". It means something entirely different. It involves a level of sacrifice and selflessness that I honestly, only see in the women who I know who are already married, engaged, or in a happy long-lasting relationship. Imagine that...

But there are dudes that can get one of these First Round Draft Picks and STILL mess it up. See #7



5. Play Women Against Each Other

This one, may or may not be, depending on the angle, the fault of the women involved. It is possible for a man to get at a woman by pretending to like her homegirl. I only say it could be one of the girls faults if she's one of those girls that is attracted to the all the men her friends bring around. You know what I am talking about. If you're still cool with her for other reasons, stop bringing your dudes around her.


6. Failing to Communicate His Wants/Needs And Holding His Woman Responsible

If a man doesn't really explain to you what he's looking for and what he wants, but then turns around and holds it against you that you aren't providing said services - he's passive aggressive and needs to be told. If he does this consistently, he has some issues with opening up and probably isn't ready for the duties of commitment.



7. Getting Into Something They Know They Are Not Ready For

Sometimes, a man wants to be something he is not, or bends to the pressure of a potential situation and gets into something he is not really suited for. For example, a serious relationship. Reasons he may not be ready include maturity, age, financial situation, family issues, work/career choices and other women.

If you are 30, and you want a man who wants to travel and get married soon, you may not want to FORCE or PRESSURE the 26 year old grad student you just picked up to be your official man right away. If he is hesitant, that doesn't mean he's a ain't shit nigga or doing something else. He might be really into you. But if you go to on an international trip with your friends 4 times a year, and all of them are married and have kids and that's what you want within a year or two tops... He's not going to feel comfortable. It's better that he doesn't enter the situation until he's ready, because men who feel like they aren't giving their woman what she needs/wants often go find someone "easier to please".

Sometimes, a man will do this with a girl he finds to be a "good woman", and so I say the next thing hoping you won't misinterpret it. You cannot give a man everything before he earns it. And that doesn't mean hold out necessarily, but it does mean that a man should prove to you that he's going to be around and is a decent guy before you start treating him like a King. You can and should be nice to him and reciprocate gestures, but don't let him move in unless he's at least your fiancee, don't let him live off of you, and certainly don't MOVE for him when you just met him 3 months ago.

Being generous is a good thing, but you have to apply it to the right guy. If a man has not shown you that he is ready to accept your generosity, you should slow down. Don't hold out on the next good guy you meet because of some past asshole. I know that's nearly impossible without practice, but just keep it in mind.


8. Dating Someone They Aren't Really Into

He's not that into you...but he still goes out with you. Men put women in the "friend zone" too. If a guy likes you, and you don't have a celibacy pact going, he's going to express his physical attraction for you in words and actions.

If you went after him, you're more in danger of this than if it was his idea that you dated. I typically don't have a problem with a woman letting a guy know she's interested, but I always say it has to be done properly. Sometimes subtle is best. Or you can give him a compliment and leave it at that. Straight up asking a guy out (unless you know he's REALLY shy) can get you set up for this sometimes. By indicating some level of interest or intrigue, but still leaving it to him to make the move, you both have an indication of interest. Who wants to date/be with someone that doesn't like them like that? I know I don't.




9. Not Taking Care of their Kids/Responsibilities

I am happy to say that all of my male friends who have children are good dads. Their baby mommas may not like them all the time, or the fact that he won't do what she wants him to do, but they cannot deny that he's a good dad. Some other guys... not so much. If you are going to have sex, you have to understand the potential consequences of pregnancy. If you refuse to understand that, you can act 1000 times surprised if you want to 9 months later, but the baby still needs a father. Own up.

Now, ladies, I'm going to talk about you, even though I wasn't really writing this blog to talk about you. If you have a baby daddy who you aren't in a relationship - it is pretty evil to hold the child for ransom to try to piss off, or get things out of said baby daddy. It's not even possible to do this if he's a deadbeat. So think about what you are doing. You have a man who wants to be part of his child's life, and you are mad that he doesn't want to be with you, so you won't let him, or make him jump through hoops. Be an adult and take him to court to get structured child support payments and visitation established. You should be glad he loves his child, even if he doesn't love you. Someone else out there will. I hope you didn't think that child would make him love YOU more. It doesn't work that way.

The good news for women who meet guys who have a child, or maybe more than one, is that you get to see what he'd be like if you had kids together. And the older you get, the chances that you're going to find your Knight in Shining Armor and he WONT have a kid goes down pretty quickly.


10. Telling Women the Truth

Not always so bad, but it can be done in a manipulative manner, time after time. I'm not talking about half-honesty here. I'm talking about the guy who will tell a woman what he is about upfront and still let her fall for him when he knows that's not in her best interest. Guys know what effect sex has on a woman's feelings. I don't see this one changing that much though. If a man tells you he's married and you STILL let him seduce you... I mean... what's that about? You can't find your own dude? Is the drought that bad? Just let one of your homeboys hit.




Since I don't date men, there's only so much access to information I have. Feel free to add a comment if you have some more. Just keep it clean, and make sure its Real Talk!



***Warning! - Ladies, if you have been scorned by the evils that men do, you may be tempted to send this blog out to the guys you know. Do not. That's a misappropriation of Real Talk, punishable by law. Plus, they will take it as a diss, and they probably are good dudes if you're cool with them. Why piss off potential mates?***