You are a wanter.
You want this you want that. More money. Better career. Freedom. Stability. A good spouse. Kids. The big house with the white picket fence. White sand beaches with Mai Tai's by the pool without a care in the world. Two extra inches of height. 3 fewer inches of waistline. A Super Bowl trip for your favorite team. A convertible. An iPad. A 60 inch HDTV.
You want a bunch of stuff. But what do you do when you have it staring at you, smack dab in the face, ready to be wanted?
Whatchagonnado?
Relationship wise, we typically "WANT" someone - - - really "something" since the prototypical perfect mate doesn't exist - - - who might be a bit out of our league in the classical sense. In the real world, there's no such thing, even if people will look at you both and say "who is this regular ass mofo with Stacey Dash/Serena Williams/Idris Elba/whoever the sexyflexy dude of the month is - holding hands walking down the street?"
We even allow ourselves to believe that someone is out of our league, even if we still want them. Well, what happens when that person decides they want to holla back? What are you going to do?
What some of you will do, is RUN. In a really weird, sabotage-the-relationship kind of way. Never really believing the other person wants YOU, all sorts of passive aggressive insecurity will stream out of your pores. You'll spaz out every time they call. You'll try to CHANGE who you are because of who they are.
These behaviors are pretty sad, but in some way, they are understandable. Who wants to be "upgraded on", and then take a stream of sympathy calls that include "I told you so" or "well it was a longshot anyway". Nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to wait for the other shoe to drop... so when you are in a situation with someone you don't REALLY think you can get, the natural urge may be to protect yourself.
We can't live life like that. If you're a receptionist and a Doctor at the hospital you work with says he's genuinely interested in you (for more than sex), and he shows it through actions and not words, enjoy the ride. Without looking over your shoulder to see who is plotting on you.
If you meet someone and they have their stuff together, sure, its cool if you are reminded that you have some goals to accomplish and loose ends to tie up, but it shouldn't be because you want this random person to look at you with regard. 1, it won't work. Your impression is already set. If your rocket scientist girlfriend comes to the ceremony when you finished your MBA, she'll be proud of you for sure, but she won't start treating you like it means something. Her impression of you was set when you met her. And she's still there.
You gotta have some self-esteem. I know the chances of me actually pulling Stacey Dash SEEM low, but I've never been in the room with her. Give me 5 minutes somewhere where we can talk. It's a wrap, baby. Tell Rick Ross she's coming to be in my music video.
How can I be so sure? Well I'm not. But I damn sure am not going to rule myself out just because she's a celebrity and what not.
A lot of times, we get caught up on what someone does or where they go or who they run with and make judgments about them.
For example - if you are a woman, doing your thing but you ain't a baller, and you meet a doctor and have good conversation... don't start acting like he's not looking at your ti... err, body and less than the next man. That's actually a pretty dumb assumption. "Oh we had great conversation, he's not like these other dudes he never once said blah blah blah" - - - PLEASE.
A good man... is still a man. Say it with me. A GOOD MAN IS STILL A MAN
Men like to look at women. He probably checked you out before he walked over and/or, knows he'll have a chance later. This is strategy. You ever walk down the street, and the guy you're about to pass turns around and looks the other way before your get there but otherwise doesn't move or stops walking? Strategy. These ladies do it to. I've actually been impressed with the smoothness lady veterans of the game employ to check out a man's stature or physique. The laugh-to-hand-on-the-arm move for example (does he work out?). That's pretty old school. There are much more sophisticated techniques I will leave for a master practitioner of such to discuss with you at another time.
And fellas, it goes both ways (pause). A GOOD WOMAN IS STILL A WOMAN. All because she's not going to break down and roll around in the street pitching a fit when you don't open the door for her, or don't tell her she looks nice when its clear she went through some effort to look nice with/for you - that doesn't mean she's ok with it. Some people are just levelheaded. But even your Brain Surgeon girlfriend needs you to provide manly comfort and support... she just doesn't need your money. (Need... I didn't say she doesn't want it). And all because she isn't the type for drama, that doesn't mean you can do whatever.
Some people have had experiences that give them a different outlook on life. They are usually called celebrities or CEOs. But we're all people, and you shouldn't treat them differently because they happen to match the exact profile you SAY you want. Treat everyone the same... now if you don't know how to treat people or talk to people (evidence - none of your ex girlfriends or ex boyfriends are cool with you)... that's something we'll talk about a different day.
Are you ready?
Are you ready for success? Are you ready for the promotion you think you deserve? Are you ready to meet the person you say you want to be with? Do you have your spiritual, financial, and personal plan in motion for your life? Do you at least have an outline of the plan? Are you making strides towards being where you want to be in the important areas of your life?
If No... well... why the hell not?
Spend some time thinking about what it would take for you to be ready for success in all areas of your life, and then think about what you will do when you GET IT. Then make a Point A to Point B plan to bridge the gap. Because if you act right - get it you shall.
Just do like the Boy Scouts and Be Prepared. It could happen Any Day Now.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
What's Your Profile?
Recent events have forced me to realize a few things about my life, including, but not limited to, the fact that people pay attention to me more that I want them to.
That's not always a bad thing, and I'm certainly no D-list celebrity, but there are a lot of people that know me. I have 1600 facebook friends, 400+ LinkedIn friends, and people even follow me on The Ladders for work. Utterly random folk.
Something happened recently that allowed me to realize that people, do in fact, pay more attention to me than I think(thought) they do. It was a pretty surreal incident, complete with haters, fake supporters and folks who need to get kicked in the nuts ala The Boondocks, but I'm glad I was able to learn that lesson now and not later.
You see, no matter what you are doing, someone is looking. Especially online. I don't use facebook statuses to post all my random thoughts because I'm not that tight with 1600 folks. I have about 120 followers on my personal Twitter account and I just started a professional one (@hakimudavidson). The personal one has protected tweets because I don't particularly want people who I don't know to have any thoughts at all about what I do and do not randomly have to say on Twitter. Hell, I don't even know if I really want the folks that do know me to see all that stuff, but alas, "it is what it is" [worst cliche ever].
Before I get to rambling, my point is - you have a public profile. Its probably nothing like the "real" you, but it is there and its OK for you to develop it how you see fit. Kobe Bryant is a suspected-rapist and from reports a grade-A asshole and a biter, but he makes sure his wife and kids are seen with him on ABC telecasts of the NBA Finals. Because that's his public image and that's what he WANTS you to see.
Like it or not, I'm an officer of a large organization here in DC. I also send a lot of Facebook notes out for the group, so 1000+ people see the name Dr Hak at least twice a week. People meet me and "already" know me. I have to be aware of that, less I confuse the absolute shit out of some people.
I wrote a blog back a while ago called "Both/And". The point was that we all as individuals have our private selves we share with our friends and loved ones, and our public selves we share for work. We want to be allowed to be fully fleshed out, well-rounded individuals, but quite often we look at others and say "hey, isn't that the mayor? What the hell is he doing at the club popping bottles of Dom P?!"
He's having a good damn time, that's what. Just like when you went out for your birthday, you kicked it extra hard and got EXTRA chocolate wasted... then went to church on Sunday and work on Monday with your suit, tie, blouse or whatever on.
But that mayor has to be careful. Regardless of how we want others to let us live, they just don't.
So what is my point?
People view you a certain way. That is your profile. Your public profile is seen by most, and your private profile by a few (celebrities excepted).
Its important that you KNOW and realize what your profile is and then make your own decisions about how you are defined in the public eye.
If you don't take control of your image, your profile, your personal branding... others will fill in the blanks for you. If you're a jerk, socially awkward, or serial killer, that may not be all bad - but for most of us, its in our best interests that we take care of our own situations.
This applies to dating too. In fact, the idea for this entry came from reading a blog from a friend of mine who is having some issues.
I'm going to address this part mainly at the lovely lady readers of Real Talk only because men get feedback from our love interests far more often because women will get all emotional and tell you about yourself on a regular basis. But the info applies to both genders equally.
A lot of women think they are "good women" and they say they are looking for a "Good man". Nightline tv specials and lists aside... I would venture to guess that the majority of women who think they are a "good woman" are not nearly as "good" as they think they are.
Sure, you may think you're cute because you get hit on a lot. You may think you're a good catch because you have a job and decent credit. You may think you're emotionally available because you live alone and have your own car... BUUUUUUUUUUUUT what the hell does that have to do with a man and what he's looking for?
And much more importantly, what does that have to do with how he looks at you?
You see, I never advocate being fake. A friend of mine told me she was going to start watching CNN so she could have talking points during CBC events when she met men. I told her to cut the crap. One, thats not necessary or even really helpful, and Two, are you going to keep up this new lifestyle of political awareness just to keep said man you trapped who loves talking about Red States and Blue States and Immigration?
What I advocate is knowing who you are and knowing how you come off to people so you can play up your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
Just going around blaming men or saying good men don't want to settle down is lazy as hell and doesn't help you advance.
Its clearly not true. Men do want to settle down with good women. If a man doesn't want to settle down after he meets YOU, then you aren't The One for him. That's OK. You've turned down plenty of decent guys too. Keep it moving and stop bitching and complaining.
OR... maybe you're not actually a good woman.
Sad but true. Its definitely possible.
Remember, MEN define what a good woman is. Ever wondered why your friends were able to get married and you can't even get a relationship to last over a year. Well... there are different ways of doing things. IF yours isn't working for you, sticking to your guns and shouting IM A GOOD WOMAN WHY DONT THESE MEN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the top of your lungs won't help. You're going to have to try something new.
OR... maybe you are a good woman, but you're sending out mixed signals or have something else going on thats getting in the way
Examples:
Not emotionally available / still communicating with Ex's
Overly pressed to advance a new relationship with a guy you JUST MET
Clingy - wanting too much time too soon
Crazy - expecting unrealistic things because you WANT them, not because they make sense
etc etc etc
Well I'll wrap it up with this. You may or may not be aware of the things you are doing that are getting you disqualified. There is a simple way to find out though...
ASK
Ask your male friends. MALE...friends. Ask your ex boyfriends. (If you aren't cool with more than 2 of your Ex's something says you don't choose quality men to start with, and that in itself needs to be addressed.)
Ask your Dad why he picked your mom (if they are together or not). Ask your male cousins what they want.
You don't have to be anyone you aren't, you just have to find out who you are to THEM. That will help you figure out what type of person would even want to be with you in the first place, and then you can figure out the rest later.
That's all for today.
Know thyself and how others knoweth you too.
That's not always a bad thing, and I'm certainly no D-list celebrity, but there are a lot of people that know me. I have 1600 facebook friends, 400+ LinkedIn friends, and people even follow me on The Ladders for work. Utterly random folk.
Something happened recently that allowed me to realize that people, do in fact, pay more attention to me than I think(thought) they do. It was a pretty surreal incident, complete with haters, fake supporters and folks who need to get kicked in the nuts ala The Boondocks, but I'm glad I was able to learn that lesson now and not later.
You see, no matter what you are doing, someone is looking. Especially online. I don't use facebook statuses to post all my random thoughts because I'm not that tight with 1600 folks. I have about 120 followers on my personal Twitter account and I just started a professional one (@hakimudavidson). The personal one has protected tweets because I don't particularly want people who I don't know to have any thoughts at all about what I do and do not randomly have to say on Twitter. Hell, I don't even know if I really want the folks that do know me to see all that stuff, but alas, "it is what it is" [worst cliche ever].
Before I get to rambling, my point is - you have a public profile. Its probably nothing like the "real" you, but it is there and its OK for you to develop it how you see fit. Kobe Bryant is a suspected-rapist and from reports a grade-A asshole and a biter, but he makes sure his wife and kids are seen with him on ABC telecasts of the NBA Finals. Because that's his public image and that's what he WANTS you to see.
Like it or not, I'm an officer of a large organization here in DC. I also send a lot of Facebook notes out for the group, so 1000+ people see the name Dr Hak at least twice a week. People meet me and "already" know me. I have to be aware of that, less I confuse the absolute shit out of some people.
I wrote a blog back a while ago called "Both/And". The point was that we all as individuals have our private selves we share with our friends and loved ones, and our public selves we share for work. We want to be allowed to be fully fleshed out, well-rounded individuals, but quite often we look at others and say "hey, isn't that the mayor? What the hell is he doing at the club popping bottles of Dom P?!"
He's having a good damn time, that's what. Just like when you went out for your birthday, you kicked it extra hard and got EXTRA chocolate wasted... then went to church on Sunday and work on Monday with your suit, tie, blouse or whatever on.
But that mayor has to be careful. Regardless of how we want others to let us live, they just don't.
So what is my point?
People view you a certain way. That is your profile. Your public profile is seen by most, and your private profile by a few (celebrities excepted).
Its important that you KNOW and realize what your profile is and then make your own decisions about how you are defined in the public eye.
If you don't take control of your image, your profile, your personal branding... others will fill in the blanks for you. If you're a jerk, socially awkward, or serial killer, that may not be all bad - but for most of us, its in our best interests that we take care of our own situations.
This applies to dating too. In fact, the idea for this entry came from reading a blog from a friend of mine who is having some issues.
I'm going to address this part mainly at the lovely lady readers of Real Talk only because men get feedback from our love interests far more often because women will get all emotional and tell you about yourself on a regular basis. But the info applies to both genders equally.
A lot of women think they are "good women" and they say they are looking for a "Good man". Nightline tv specials and lists aside... I would venture to guess that the majority of women who think they are a "good woman" are not nearly as "good" as they think they are.
Sure, you may think you're cute because you get hit on a lot. You may think you're a good catch because you have a job and decent credit. You may think you're emotionally available because you live alone and have your own car... BUUUUUUUUUUUUT what the hell does that have to do with a man and what he's looking for?
And much more importantly, what does that have to do with how he looks at you?
You see, I never advocate being fake. A friend of mine told me she was going to start watching CNN so she could have talking points during CBC events when she met men. I told her to cut the crap. One, thats not necessary or even really helpful, and Two, are you going to keep up this new lifestyle of political awareness just to keep said man you trapped who loves talking about Red States and Blue States and Immigration?
What I advocate is knowing who you are and knowing how you come off to people so you can play up your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
Just going around blaming men or saying good men don't want to settle down is lazy as hell and doesn't help you advance.
Its clearly not true. Men do want to settle down with good women. If a man doesn't want to settle down after he meets YOU, then you aren't The One for him. That's OK. You've turned down plenty of decent guys too. Keep it moving and stop bitching and complaining.
OR... maybe you're not actually a good woman.
Sad but true. Its definitely possible.
Remember, MEN define what a good woman is. Ever wondered why your friends were able to get married and you can't even get a relationship to last over a year. Well... there are different ways of doing things. IF yours isn't working for you, sticking to your guns and shouting IM A GOOD WOMAN WHY DONT THESE MEN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the top of your lungs won't help. You're going to have to try something new.
OR... maybe you are a good woman, but you're sending out mixed signals or have something else going on thats getting in the way
Examples:
Not emotionally available / still communicating with Ex's
Overly pressed to advance a new relationship with a guy you JUST MET
Clingy - wanting too much time too soon
Crazy - expecting unrealistic things because you WANT them, not because they make sense
etc etc etc
Well I'll wrap it up with this. You may or may not be aware of the things you are doing that are getting you disqualified. There is a simple way to find out though...
ASK
Ask your male friends. MALE...friends. Ask your ex boyfriends. (If you aren't cool with more than 2 of your Ex's something says you don't choose quality men to start with, and that in itself needs to be addressed.)
Ask your Dad why he picked your mom (if they are together or not). Ask your male cousins what they want.
You don't have to be anyone you aren't, you just have to find out who you are to THEM. That will help you figure out what type of person would even want to be with you in the first place, and then you can figure out the rest later.
That's all for today.
Know thyself and how others knoweth you too.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Appreciation
1. In accounting, appreciation of an asset is an increase in its value.
2. Appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive
The following is a quick list of things I appreciate. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
1. Good food
2. Real friends
3. A woman who will learn about your interests
4. Horsepower
5. peace and quiet at the beach
2. Appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive
The following is a quick list of things I appreciate. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
1. Good food
2. Real friends
3. A woman who will learn about your interests
4. Horsepower
5. peace and quiet at the beach
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You're Getting Bad Advice
Just like LeBron James, if your friends always agree with you when you come to them with issues, you're bound to fuck something up on a major scale. Cherish and respect your friends who tell you the truth, even if it pisses you off.
If you've lived in the same place with the same family and friends around you all your life, the people who know you best can be an asset and a liability. Its up to you to learn who really knows what they are talking about. It could be different people for different issues. Your auntie with bad dating history isnt the one to get dating advice from. Your crazy uncle at the strip club every week can tell you how to make it rain, but not how to date a serious woman. Stuff like that. You get the point.
Stop listening to people who tell you what you want to hear.
Repeat after me: "Today I will stop doing the things I know do not work"
If you've lived in the same place with the same family and friends around you all your life, the people who know you best can be an asset and a liability. Its up to you to learn who really knows what they are talking about. It could be different people for different issues. Your auntie with bad dating history isnt the one to get dating advice from. Your crazy uncle at the strip club every week can tell you how to make it rain, but not how to date a serious woman. Stuff like that. You get the point.
Stop listening to people who tell you what you want to hear.
Repeat after me: "Today I will stop doing the things I know do not work"
Monday, July 19, 2010
Go Get It
There's an epidemic in America right now. Women, right now - I mean RIGHT NOW - are in long distance relationships with good men who they want to marry... but refuse to move where the man is until they get a ring.
*GASP* The horror!
I promise you, this epidemic is real. And its getting worse everyday.
Somehow, these young ladies have gotten really really bad advice. They think that putting an ultimatum on a man will... want to make him marry her more? Think she's the one? Open his bank account and start cutting her checks?
I don't know which one of those these women think men are going to do when painted into a corner but I know what they WILL do - not what you want them to.
You see, a man is a man. Men be men. Men doith menish things.
If your man of many years says "come where I am" and your response is to ask for a circular piece of metal, he should look at you just like you are Frodo or Gollum going after The One Ring - what is wrong with you?
You see some more of that bad advice is floating around out there that has told these women that a man isn't serious until he gives you a ring. Well, technically rings are expensive, so there's this period between him deciding to get the ring and actually being able to give it to you, during which - if he were to say "well i'm saving up for it" you'd start fucking talking crazy to him.
Matter of fact, I got a homegirl I love to death getting married later this fall who nearly mucked her situation up worrying about all the future talk her man was giving her. Talking bout "I ain't seeing no progress" and saying she was sick of discussing marriage plans and future plans if he wasn't going to give her a ring. A piece of shitty not-really-platinum metal. Some stainless steel. Basically a steak knife.
If her man didn't give her a steak knife soon, she was gonna flip. As a matter of fact, she started doing dumb stuff like having conversations with bad-news ex boyfriends to see if the waters were still warm.
All this... WHILE she had a man talking serious relationship to her. Well which one is it? Do you want a man who is going to try to be serious or one who plays around? Here you have a dude you like telling you its going down, and you in a hurry because your 30th is coming up? Get It Together, Grouch.
Did I mention that in advance, he had told her "by the end of the year" and instead of waiting until Jan 1 to complain, she just started complaining in advance - like she expected him to let her down. Maybe that was more about her experiences getting let down by men than her situation with him, but it was bad, bad, bad for business, and it could've gone downhill if certain people weren't around to give her real talk.
Luckily, that story has a happy ending. He proposed on New Year's Eve - DUH!
But what about the long-distance gals and guys, Dr Hak?
Well, its simple. If you want to be with someone - move to be with them. Especially if your job situation is less lucrative and has less future potential than theirs (this goes for guys and gals). If she lives in one of your "oh hell naw" cities, provide a legitimate compromise. Make it happen though.
Don't be that girl who dated a guy for 5 years and passed up all her other options waiting for a ring that didn't come - or rather, would have come but she started making demands.
Men do not negotiate with terrorists. Real Talk - do you even want a man who responds to ultimatums? Is that any way to start an engagement? Is it more about getting married than about getting married to the right person the right way?
Get it the fuck together.
This thing about "I need a ring first" is the dumbest thing on earth. Tell me what that ring REALLY represents? Commitment? Nope - its his way of cockblocking on you. THATS ALL.
Easy example - there are married men who cheat. There are engaged men who cheat. There are boyfriends who are faithful. Two of these types of men have provided rings, but are still doing whatever. So tell me again, what does the ring REALLY represent?
If you have open and honest dialogue with your significant other, you should know if you have a stable situation and a solid commitment.
And, since this is Dr Hak's Real Talk blog, I'll just put it to you like this
Fellas - do you want your long distance girlfriend to get drunk and smash some dude at the club because you never come to town... and don't live there? No - you do not.
Ladies - do you want your man to fill his idle time with chicks who don't care he has a girl? No you do not. You want to start a family.
If your goals are XYZ, don't start doing ABC because some divorced 50 year old woman told you it was a good idea, or "that's what I would do".
Relationships are about compromise. There are plenty of situations where the guy is the one that should do the moving. But today I'm talking to the ladies. Because its an epidemic.
Then the other night I met a lady who was cured. Not only cured, but a pioneer in Ring Disease treatment and research. She moved from DC to ATLANTA because thats where her man was. He didn't give her a ring before she moved... but she figured out that she wasn't about to get one if she didn't leave ("so what you're saying is, I could give you a ring, then you'll come to Atlanta, or I can not, still be single (every person/human not married IS single) and you can stay wherever you are while I hang out at Atlanta Station and Strokers every weekend?... ... ... Let me think about that for a second")
The result? They were able to develop their relationship and she got her ring and her man. They are now married and doing well. Is moving always going to work out? Hell no. But usually it was clear it wasn't going to work out BEFORE the move. I'm not saying to move to be with someone you don't have a solid situation with. No - NEVER.
I'm saying that the ring itself is NOT what indicates that you have a man who's really about YOU. You need to know what situation you are in. One where material signals mean things, or one where you know, trust, and love each other to make it happen. Love doesn't need rings. If your man or woman is waiting on you to come get this loving - Go Get It.
***************
Oh yeah, one more thing.
In the event that you do move to me with your man/woman - and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that it wasn't a good idea for you to go. Would you prefer to go the rest of your life wondering? There are few times where you get great reward with minimal risk. Relationships isn't one of them. You can always move back (yes... you can)
*GASP* The horror!
I promise you, this epidemic is real. And its getting worse everyday.
Somehow, these young ladies have gotten really really bad advice. They think that putting an ultimatum on a man will... want to make him marry her more? Think she's the one? Open his bank account and start cutting her checks?
I don't know which one of those these women think men are going to do when painted into a corner but I know what they WILL do - not what you want them to.
You see, a man is a man. Men be men. Men doith menish things.
If your man of many years says "come where I am" and your response is to ask for a circular piece of metal, he should look at you just like you are Frodo or Gollum going after The One Ring - what is wrong with you?
You see some more of that bad advice is floating around out there that has told these women that a man isn't serious until he gives you a ring. Well, technically rings are expensive, so there's this period between him deciding to get the ring and actually being able to give it to you, during which - if he were to say "well i'm saving up for it" you'd start fucking talking crazy to him.
Matter of fact, I got a homegirl I love to death getting married later this fall who nearly mucked her situation up worrying about all the future talk her man was giving her. Talking bout "I ain't seeing no progress" and saying she was sick of discussing marriage plans and future plans if he wasn't going to give her a ring. A piece of shitty not-really-platinum metal. Some stainless steel. Basically a steak knife.
If her man didn't give her a steak knife soon, she was gonna flip. As a matter of fact, she started doing dumb stuff like having conversations with bad-news ex boyfriends to see if the waters were still warm.
All this... WHILE she had a man talking serious relationship to her. Well which one is it? Do you want a man who is going to try to be serious or one who plays around? Here you have a dude you like telling you its going down, and you in a hurry because your 30th is coming up? Get It Together, Grouch.
Did I mention that in advance, he had told her "by the end of the year" and instead of waiting until Jan 1 to complain, she just started complaining in advance - like she expected him to let her down. Maybe that was more about her experiences getting let down by men than her situation with him, but it was bad, bad, bad for business, and it could've gone downhill if certain people weren't around to give her real talk.
Luckily, that story has a happy ending. He proposed on New Year's Eve - DUH!
But what about the long-distance gals and guys, Dr Hak?
Well, its simple. If you want to be with someone - move to be with them. Especially if your job situation is less lucrative and has less future potential than theirs (this goes for guys and gals). If she lives in one of your "oh hell naw" cities, provide a legitimate compromise. Make it happen though.
Don't be that girl who dated a guy for 5 years and passed up all her other options waiting for a ring that didn't come - or rather, would have come but she started making demands.
Men do not negotiate with terrorists. Real Talk - do you even want a man who responds to ultimatums? Is that any way to start an engagement? Is it more about getting married than about getting married to the right person the right way?
Get it the fuck together.
This thing about "I need a ring first" is the dumbest thing on earth. Tell me what that ring REALLY represents? Commitment? Nope - its his way of cockblocking on you. THATS ALL.
Easy example - there are married men who cheat. There are engaged men who cheat. There are boyfriends who are faithful. Two of these types of men have provided rings, but are still doing whatever. So tell me again, what does the ring REALLY represent?
If you have open and honest dialogue with your significant other, you should know if you have a stable situation and a solid commitment.
And, since this is Dr Hak's Real Talk blog, I'll just put it to you like this
Fellas - do you want your long distance girlfriend to get drunk and smash some dude at the club because you never come to town... and don't live there? No - you do not.
Ladies - do you want your man to fill his idle time with chicks who don't care he has a girl? No you do not. You want to start a family.
If your goals are XYZ, don't start doing ABC because some divorced 50 year old woman told you it was a good idea, or "that's what I would do".
Relationships are about compromise. There are plenty of situations where the guy is the one that should do the moving. But today I'm talking to the ladies. Because its an epidemic.
Then the other night I met a lady who was cured. Not only cured, but a pioneer in Ring Disease treatment and research. She moved from DC to ATLANTA because thats where her man was. He didn't give her a ring before she moved... but she figured out that she wasn't about to get one if she didn't leave ("so what you're saying is, I could give you a ring, then you'll come to Atlanta, or I can not, still be single (every person/human not married IS single) and you can stay wherever you are while I hang out at Atlanta Station and Strokers every weekend?... ... ... Let me think about that for a second")
The result? They were able to develop their relationship and she got her ring and her man. They are now married and doing well. Is moving always going to work out? Hell no. But usually it was clear it wasn't going to work out BEFORE the move. I'm not saying to move to be with someone you don't have a solid situation with. No - NEVER.
I'm saying that the ring itself is NOT what indicates that you have a man who's really about YOU. You need to know what situation you are in. One where material signals mean things, or one where you know, trust, and love each other to make it happen. Love doesn't need rings. If your man or woman is waiting on you to come get this loving - Go Get It.
***************
Oh yeah, one more thing.
In the event that you do move to me with your man/woman - and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that it wasn't a good idea for you to go. Would you prefer to go the rest of your life wondering? There are few times where you get great reward with minimal risk. Relationships isn't one of them. You can always move back (yes... you can)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
"Single By Choice" - Is That Real Talk?
It is not REAL TALK to say "I'm single by choice"...
By uttering these words, you are confessing that you are, in fact, in a bad spot relationship-wise and might even be in denial about it.
Let's get into some semantics here. (Semantics - a favorite pasttime of Dr. Hak, even though no one usually gets what I'm saying since...you know...its semantics)
There actually are people who are single by choice who exist in this world.
These are "The Beautiful People", The young & rich, The wealthy, and dudes with trump tight game (for the record, Dr Hak has no game, I have what is known as "gravitational pull"). That's it... that's the list. Maybe strippers too. But that's really all.
The reason I'm bringing up semantics is that these people may be Single By Choice, but they'd never really say that outloud because it's already understood. The people who DO say "I'm single by choice" are typically NOT being chased by potential mates of high quality and technique. Yes, those bamas with the gold-teeth and 4 kids may be hollering when you hit the corner bodega and the gas station, but that's not a REALISTIC choice for you, soooooo you can't count that when you say "by choice". Because if you did choose Cletus, your family and homegirls would have you taken in for mental evaluation.
NOBODY is really single by choice. Men or women. 99.9% of the population at least isn't, and you ain't that special (you don't want to be, trust me.)
You may look at your surroundings and circumstances and ACCEPT that being single is OK at this point in your life, but you damn sure don't PREFER to be single. You might prefer to NOT be in an abusive relationship, NOT be dating an overprotective, overbearing, jealous maniac, or NOT be dating the psycho girl from hell who cuts up your clothes everytime your phone rings after 7pm, but that doesn't mean you really like being single or don't desire to one day be in a strong happy committed relationship.
In fact, unless you can sit here and tell me that you in no way shape or form ever plan on being in a long-term relationship with someone wonderful and actually mean it and don't have emotional baggage that is driving that thought, then the fact of the matter is, you CANNOT actually be single by choice. Because in truth, you're waiting for that moment (the happy relationship) to occur. Well who wouldn't choose to be happy right now? Excuses aside.
For men, yes, there is a period of oats-sowing that occurs, but in reality... let Stacey Dash walk through that door and say she wanted to be your wife. You'd see somebody with one of those director things pop into the room and say "THAT'S A WRAP!" Same thing if Shamar Moore or whatever sexy-flexy dude you ladies are into these days (who's that you say? Soulja Boy? Really? To each his/her own...) showed up talking right or whatever.
I don't think its a violation of Man Law to reveal that more often than not, even a man who has a lot of women in his face is hoping one of these chicks turns out to be "The One". Not only that she is "The One", but "The One who plays her hand right so we can just go ahead and do the damn thing without a whole bunch of static".
It's very rare that a man plans on being single for the rest of his life. For one, we want kids and we don't want baby mommas. Notice I didn't even say baby momma drama, I said we don't want baby mommas. Not anything about that situation is appealing.
For two, most men who have a lot of chicks laugh at how dumb they are and how much bullshit comes out of the mouths of babes. At some point, we're just going to have to do a documentary so women can hear themselves talking to us. I nicknamed this chick I dated "Terms and Conditions"... to her face. And she wasn't even that bad. But that's what she was about. It's just too much going on.
Sure, if you're a woman, you may watch some assinine Nightline special and think its great to be a man - especially a Black Man - single and living the life with all these beautiful women to choose from and what not - and yeah ok, FINE it is pretty cool from a VISUAL standpoint to be able to choose 31 baskin robbins flavors of women in all different shapes, styles, colors, or whatever and enjoy ridiculous variety...but that cliche "beauty is only skin-deep" is the realest shit ever said. Yes, there are a ton of beautiful women out there. More than I actually want to admit to myself, because then I'd move to Atlan... ummmm... so yeah there ARE a ton of beautiful women out there and what not, but if you're a woman, jealous of men because we have a lot of beautiful women to choose from, you're COMPLETELY disregarding personality. Which is ironic, and kind of hilarious, considering most of you want to be evaluated on your personality and not your looks. But you evaluate other women on theirs. ("She aint prettier than me, why he leave me for her? HMPH! His loss"... you know, that line of thinking - along with "awww she's pretty, you two make a cute couple I hope it works out"... because you know, being a cute couple is the most important thing right? Riiiiiiiight?)
Look. Men don't play the field because they like variety, its because these chicks are ANNOYING AS HELL. I cannot begin to tell you some of the stories and experiences that men go through dealing with women. The guys who read this will just shake their head and have uncomfortable flashbacks. The women are probably not going to believe me anyway, so I won't. Just believe me when I say, its really not that much fun being a single man... Once you get past the point where having sex is like... special. And by special, I mean, past the point where its a huge surprise that women will have sex with you. Men get to this point at various times in their lives.
My point of that mini-rant is, men want to meet great women and be with them too.
Women, stereotypically speaking of course, want to be in relationships more. So I find it a bit disconcerting that the people who tend to claim to be "Single by Choice" the most, are women.
Let's go to the videotape...
What does "Choice" really mean?
I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.
"I'm in school, work full-time, am a part-time stripper, and I do hair, and don't have time for a relationship right now" DOES NOT COUNT as "single by choice".
"I just finished grad school while working full-time and I'm trying to get my mind right for a while before I get back into dating " also DOES NOT COUNT.
I haven't found the right man also DOES NOT COUNT.
To be single by choice, you are implying that you actually have a CHOICE... A realistic choice. A choice that you might not normally turn down, but you are choosing to do so.
Meaning - for a woman to be single by choice, she has to already know the man of her dreams but simply prefer to not be in a relationship. For whatever reason. Perhaps she has her own business and wants to grow it (*XXXX sound* - nope, if he was the man of your dreams, He'd be the type to support your situation 100% instead of hinder it, so by definition, the guy you are making wait on you isn't The One).
For a man to be single by choice - he has to have said Stacey Dash clone who cooks, has her own stuff together along with a sense of humor and isn't lame, in his face, available and ready to go... and then he'd have to choose to keep dating hood rats.
The problem is, while men typically say things to each other that would indicate we are anti-marriage, most men who see their homeboys about to fuck up a really REALLY good thing will pull him to the side, punch him in the temple and tell him to get his shit together and Man Up. That actually happens. If his boys aren't putting any pressure on him, they don't think you're his One. You can tell when they DO think you are the one for him. They'll do things to indicate they're "on your side" (words, facial expressions) but also won't say hater shit like "if he don't act right I'll take you". You may have experienced this.
The fact of the matter is, even men fully enthralled with their mandingo warrior phase will quickly and suddenly drop out of it when he feels he's met his wife. I've seen some very, very drastic examples. Cold Turkey is Realer than you know.
Anyway, I'm not out here to try to piss people off intentionally, and I realize some of you are sitting there saying "No, dammit, I AM single by choice and you can't tell me otherwise", so I'm going to leave the comments sections open for you to disagree at will. I won't even counter your points (unless you say something really, really, really f-ing stupid).
Just try to understand that the point I'm making is very specific.
Regardless of what you have going on in your life... most of the circumstances you are going to hold off on having a relationship are 1) temporary and 2) not really going to keep you from making it happen if "The One" shows up.
Temporary meaning - too busy, currently in school, trying to save money to buy a house, trying to raise a kid, just got out of school and want some time to myself, just got out of a relationship, etc.
None of those things are permanent, having a kid being the obvious outlier, but does having a kid mean you don't want to be with someone? No. It might mean you have a much higher standard of who you'll date or let into your inner circle, but that still isn't making a "choice" to be single. Its just not - that's not what the terms means. In all of those situations in the previous paragraph, if you met The One (remember, The One is going to be willing to work through said situation) - you'd find time to nourish that relationship.
I'm not saying you drop out of school if you're working and going to grad school. I'm saying you deal with it. Who passes up a wife for a degree he can get later? Who passes up a husband? Come on, let's keep it real...
It's OK to be single because you haven't met anyone (...that wants to put up with you). Really, it is. You ain't gotta go around trying to build it up using cliche terms to make the situation into something its not. Be at peace.
If you were truly single by choice, there are things you would not do. You wouldn't go on dates, ever. You'd never try to get a girls number / give your number to a guy. You'd never smile at strangers at the gym/mall/nasty McDonalds/Home Depot/grocery store. You'd never join a dating site or any organization to "network". You wouldn't wear makeup, deodorant, nice clothes, new shoes or fresh linen. You'd simply stay at home and crochet. Go knit me a sweater.
If there's a real, true reason that supercedes the "if The One was available and willing to make it work through your circumstance" criteria, please, write it down in the comments. I don't mind being proven wrong =)
Keep it Real With Yourselves!
By uttering these words, you are confessing that you are, in fact, in a bad spot relationship-wise and might even be in denial about it.
Let's get into some semantics here. (Semantics - a favorite pasttime of Dr. Hak, even though no one usually gets what I'm saying since...you know...its semantics)
There actually are people who are single by choice who exist in this world.
These are "The Beautiful People", The young & rich, The wealthy, and dudes with trump tight game (for the record, Dr Hak has no game, I have what is known as "gravitational pull"). That's it... that's the list. Maybe strippers too. But that's really all.
The reason I'm bringing up semantics is that these people may be Single By Choice, but they'd never really say that outloud because it's already understood. The people who DO say "I'm single by choice" are typically NOT being chased by potential mates of high quality and technique. Yes, those bamas with the gold-teeth and 4 kids may be hollering when you hit the corner bodega and the gas station, but that's not a REALISTIC choice for you, soooooo you can't count that when you say "by choice". Because if you did choose Cletus, your family and homegirls would have you taken in for mental evaluation.
NOBODY is really single by choice. Men or women. 99.9% of the population at least isn't, and you ain't that special (you don't want to be, trust me.)
You may look at your surroundings and circumstances and ACCEPT that being single is OK at this point in your life, but you damn sure don't PREFER to be single. You might prefer to NOT be in an abusive relationship, NOT be dating an overprotective, overbearing, jealous maniac, or NOT be dating the psycho girl from hell who cuts up your clothes everytime your phone rings after 7pm, but that doesn't mean you really like being single or don't desire to one day be in a strong happy committed relationship.
In fact, unless you can sit here and tell me that you in no way shape or form ever plan on being in a long-term relationship with someone wonderful and actually mean it and don't have emotional baggage that is driving that thought, then the fact of the matter is, you CANNOT actually be single by choice. Because in truth, you're waiting for that moment (the happy relationship) to occur. Well who wouldn't choose to be happy right now? Excuses aside.
For men, yes, there is a period of oats-sowing that occurs, but in reality... let Stacey Dash walk through that door and say she wanted to be your wife. You'd see somebody with one of those director things pop into the room and say "THAT'S A WRAP!" Same thing if Shamar Moore or whatever sexy-flexy dude you ladies are into these days (who's that you say? Soulja Boy? Really? To each his/her own...) showed up talking right or whatever.
I don't think its a violation of Man Law to reveal that more often than not, even a man who has a lot of women in his face is hoping one of these chicks turns out to be "The One". Not only that she is "The One", but "The One who plays her hand right so we can just go ahead and do the damn thing without a whole bunch of static".
It's very rare that a man plans on being single for the rest of his life. For one, we want kids and we don't want baby mommas. Notice I didn't even say baby momma drama, I said we don't want baby mommas. Not anything about that situation is appealing.
For two, most men who have a lot of chicks laugh at how dumb they are and how much bullshit comes out of the mouths of babes. At some point, we're just going to have to do a documentary so women can hear themselves talking to us. I nicknamed this chick I dated "Terms and Conditions"... to her face. And she wasn't even that bad. But that's what she was about. It's just too much going on.
Sure, if you're a woman, you may watch some assinine Nightline special and think its great to be a man - especially a Black Man - single and living the life with all these beautiful women to choose from and what not - and yeah ok, FINE it is pretty cool from a VISUAL standpoint to be able to choose 31 baskin robbins flavors of women in all different shapes, styles, colors, or whatever and enjoy ridiculous variety...but that cliche "beauty is only skin-deep" is the realest shit ever said. Yes, there are a ton of beautiful women out there. More than I actually want to admit to myself, because then I'd move to Atlan... ummmm... so yeah there ARE a ton of beautiful women out there and what not, but if you're a woman, jealous of men because we have a lot of beautiful women to choose from, you're COMPLETELY disregarding personality. Which is ironic, and kind of hilarious, considering most of you want to be evaluated on your personality and not your looks. But you evaluate other women on theirs. ("She aint prettier than me, why he leave me for her? HMPH! His loss"... you know, that line of thinking - along with "awww she's pretty, you two make a cute couple I hope it works out"... because you know, being a cute couple is the most important thing right? Riiiiiiiight?)
Look. Men don't play the field because they like variety, its because these chicks are ANNOYING AS HELL. I cannot begin to tell you some of the stories and experiences that men go through dealing with women. The guys who read this will just shake their head and have uncomfortable flashbacks. The women are probably not going to believe me anyway, so I won't. Just believe me when I say, its really not that much fun being a single man... Once you get past the point where having sex is like... special. And by special, I mean, past the point where its a huge surprise that women will have sex with you. Men get to this point at various times in their lives.
My point of that mini-rant is, men want to meet great women and be with them too.
Women, stereotypically speaking of course, want to be in relationships more. So I find it a bit disconcerting that the people who tend to claim to be "Single by Choice" the most, are women.
Let's go to the videotape...
What does "Choice" really mean?
I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.
"I'm in school, work full-time, am a part-time stripper, and I do hair, and don't have time for a relationship right now" DOES NOT COUNT as "single by choice".
"I just finished grad school while working full-time and I'm trying to get my mind right for a while before I get back into dating " also DOES NOT COUNT.
I haven't found the right man also DOES NOT COUNT.
To be single by choice, you are implying that you actually have a CHOICE... A realistic choice. A choice that you might not normally turn down, but you are choosing to do so.
Meaning - for a woman to be single by choice, she has to already know the man of her dreams but simply prefer to not be in a relationship. For whatever reason. Perhaps she has her own business and wants to grow it (*XXXX sound* - nope, if he was the man of your dreams, He'd be the type to support your situation 100% instead of hinder it, so by definition, the guy you are making wait on you isn't The One).
For a man to be single by choice - he has to have said Stacey Dash clone who cooks, has her own stuff together along with a sense of humor and isn't lame, in his face, available and ready to go... and then he'd have to choose to keep dating hood rats.
The problem is, while men typically say things to each other that would indicate we are anti-marriage, most men who see their homeboys about to fuck up a really REALLY good thing will pull him to the side, punch him in the temple and tell him to get his shit together and Man Up. That actually happens. If his boys aren't putting any pressure on him, they don't think you're his One. You can tell when they DO think you are the one for him. They'll do things to indicate they're "on your side" (words, facial expressions) but also won't say hater shit like "if he don't act right I'll take you". You may have experienced this.
The fact of the matter is, even men fully enthralled with their mandingo warrior phase will quickly and suddenly drop out of it when he feels he's met his wife. I've seen some very, very drastic examples. Cold Turkey is Realer than you know.
Anyway, I'm not out here to try to piss people off intentionally, and I realize some of you are sitting there saying "No, dammit, I AM single by choice and you can't tell me otherwise", so I'm going to leave the comments sections open for you to disagree at will. I won't even counter your points (unless you say something really, really, really f-ing stupid).
Just try to understand that the point I'm making is very specific.
Regardless of what you have going on in your life... most of the circumstances you are going to hold off on having a relationship are 1) temporary and 2) not really going to keep you from making it happen if "The One" shows up.
Temporary meaning - too busy, currently in school, trying to save money to buy a house, trying to raise a kid, just got out of school and want some time to myself, just got out of a relationship, etc.
None of those things are permanent, having a kid being the obvious outlier, but does having a kid mean you don't want to be with someone? No. It might mean you have a much higher standard of who you'll date or let into your inner circle, but that still isn't making a "choice" to be single. Its just not - that's not what the terms means. In all of those situations in the previous paragraph, if you met The One (remember, The One is going to be willing to work through said situation) - you'd find time to nourish that relationship.
I'm not saying you drop out of school if you're working and going to grad school. I'm saying you deal with it. Who passes up a wife for a degree he can get later? Who passes up a husband? Come on, let's keep it real...
It's OK to be single because you haven't met anyone (...that wants to put up with you). Really, it is. You ain't gotta go around trying to build it up using cliche terms to make the situation into something its not. Be at peace.
If you were truly single by choice, there are things you would not do. You wouldn't go on dates, ever. You'd never try to get a girls number / give your number to a guy. You'd never smile at strangers at the gym/mall/nasty McDonalds/Home Depot/grocery store. You'd never join a dating site or any organization to "network". You wouldn't wear makeup, deodorant, nice clothes, new shoes or fresh linen. You'd simply stay at home and crochet. Go knit me a sweater.
If there's a real, true reason that supercedes the "if The One was available and willing to make it work through your circumstance" criteria, please, write it down in the comments. I don't mind being proven wrong =)
Keep it Real With Yourselves!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
If He's Spending Dough, You Already Know
Sooooo, Dr Hak hasn't had anything to say in a while, but alas, I AM BACK today with some new discussion-starting for you good people.
I don't really know how I can say this any other way, so I'm going to just say it.
Ladies, you've gotta stop fucking around with these dudes and their money.
Do you really think some man is going to spend copious amounts of $$$ on you, out of the goodness of his heart, or because he's some mythical creature called a "gentleman", or... just because he likes you?
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
He's trying to have sex. Period. Just like any other kind act from a man, you should probably expect that he wants to have sex with you. The difference with actual SPENDING OF MONEY is, he's got reason to expect that you are down if you start asking for AND/OR accepting certain things that cost money.
Let's just use examples to illustrate my point...
SITUATION #1 - Anytime a man pays for a hotel room and you sleep in it - he's expecting you to give up some action.
EXCEPTIONS - the two of you are friends and its not like that...
(Hmmm... you know I hesitate to type that because its pretty much ALWAYS like that, and the woman friend is pretty much ALWAYS in denial that its like that. So let me rephrase...)
ACTUAL EXCEPTION - the two of you are related.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTION - he has a girlfriend that's not you. Notice I said "possible"
SITUATION #2 - You meet a guy. Guy seems nice. You don't live where guy lives. You want to go visit guy. You buy your own plane ticket to see guy.
Verdict - safe. He might hope you put out, but you paid your own way to get there, so he can't act like he's done something grand.
SITUATION 2B - You meet a guy who seems nice. You become friends. Guy lives in another city. He offers to fly you into town and take care of all the expenses for the weekend. That means he doesn't plan on trying you, right?
VERDICT - Wrong...WRONG! Come on, be serious here.
What exactly do you think these dudes are spending their dough to try to accomplish? Do you think this man wants to be your boyfriend? OK, well guess what boyfriends get access to. Do you think he just wants to make you happy? Well, guess why he might want to do that... It's always going to be the same situation. There is no man on this planet who is going to spend money on travel expenses, continuous lavish dinners, or anything else over some arbitrary dollar amount like $50, and not expect some action.
AND... you already know this. So pretending like a situation isn't what it is is disingenuous. I guess you need to be in denial to pull off the appropriate acting job when the lights go out in the hotel suite with ONE BED that the man paid for to take you on vacation because he knows you're stressed and just wanted you to get away. Guess what - if he wanted you to be relaxed and get away from it all, he'd just send you on a trip by yourself... AND THEN HE'D BE WAITING FOR YOU TO GET BACK... It doesn't change.
There are rules to the game, and $ is a major issue. You're not an exception. All because a man has spent money on you and didn't actually TRY you, doesn't mean he was cool with you not showing some love back. How many times has a man gone out of his way to pay for something for you, didn't get any or try to get any, and kept doing these things for you?...oh, and didn't stalk you afterwards. Be serious.
If you want a man to not have any quarrel or expectations, pay for shit yourself. Especially plane tickets, concert tickets...anything called a "ticket", and pay him back if you end up needing to borrow money. You're more than welcome to and it's not an insult to his manhood, despite whatever protests he makes. If anything, it shows you're not a user. Because user chicks get dealt with. Sometimes the results are horribly tragic, sometimes hilarious lessons are learned (like the girl who kept going on expensive dates within a circle of male friends who figured it out, and got "stood up" at the airport with all her stuff packed for a trip to Jamaica that didn't exist. Or the girl who got her pictures put on the internet. You don't want to be that girl).
The easiest way to avoid trouble is to be an adult and think about things before you ask for or accept them. If you don't want to be intimate with a man, don't put yourself in intimate situations, and definitely not intimate situations he paid for. If you want to take things slow, then don't let him buy you plane tickets to Miami yet. Just go to the movies... and buy your own popcorn.
I don't really know how I can say this any other way, so I'm going to just say it.
Ladies, you've gotta stop fucking around with these dudes and their money.
Do you really think some man is going to spend copious amounts of $$$ on you, out of the goodness of his heart, or because he's some mythical creature called a "gentleman", or... just because he likes you?
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
He's trying to have sex. Period. Just like any other kind act from a man, you should probably expect that he wants to have sex with you. The difference with actual SPENDING OF MONEY is, he's got reason to expect that you are down if you start asking for AND/OR accepting certain things that cost money.
Let's just use examples to illustrate my point...
SITUATION #1 - Anytime a man pays for a hotel room and you sleep in it - he's expecting you to give up some action.
EXCEPTIONS - the two of you are friends and its not like that...
(Hmmm... you know I hesitate to type that because its pretty much ALWAYS like that, and the woman friend is pretty much ALWAYS in denial that its like that. So let me rephrase...)
ACTUAL EXCEPTION - the two of you are related.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTION - he has a girlfriend that's not you. Notice I said "possible"
SITUATION #2 - You meet a guy. Guy seems nice. You don't live where guy lives. You want to go visit guy. You buy your own plane ticket to see guy.
Verdict - safe. He might hope you put out, but you paid your own way to get there, so he can't act like he's done something grand.
SITUATION 2B - You meet a guy who seems nice. You become friends. Guy lives in another city. He offers to fly you into town and take care of all the expenses for the weekend. That means he doesn't plan on trying you, right?
VERDICT - Wrong...WRONG! Come on, be serious here.
What exactly do you think these dudes are spending their dough to try to accomplish? Do you think this man wants to be your boyfriend? OK, well guess what boyfriends get access to. Do you think he just wants to make you happy? Well, guess why he might want to do that... It's always going to be the same situation. There is no man on this planet who is going to spend money on travel expenses, continuous lavish dinners, or anything else over some arbitrary dollar amount like $50, and not expect some action.
AND... you already know this. So pretending like a situation isn't what it is is disingenuous. I guess you need to be in denial to pull off the appropriate acting job when the lights go out in the hotel suite with ONE BED that the man paid for to take you on vacation because he knows you're stressed and just wanted you to get away. Guess what - if he wanted you to be relaxed and get away from it all, he'd just send you on a trip by yourself... AND THEN HE'D BE WAITING FOR YOU TO GET BACK... It doesn't change.
There are rules to the game, and $ is a major issue. You're not an exception. All because a man has spent money on you and didn't actually TRY you, doesn't mean he was cool with you not showing some love back. How many times has a man gone out of his way to pay for something for you, didn't get any or try to get any, and kept doing these things for you?...oh, and didn't stalk you afterwards. Be serious.
If you want a man to not have any quarrel or expectations, pay for shit yourself. Especially plane tickets, concert tickets...anything called a "ticket", and pay him back if you end up needing to borrow money. You're more than welcome to and it's not an insult to his manhood, despite whatever protests he makes. If anything, it shows you're not a user. Because user chicks get dealt with. Sometimes the results are horribly tragic, sometimes hilarious lessons are learned (like the girl who kept going on expensive dates within a circle of male friends who figured it out, and got "stood up" at the airport with all her stuff packed for a trip to Jamaica that didn't exist. Or the girl who got her pictures put on the internet. You don't want to be that girl).
The easiest way to avoid trouble is to be an adult and think about things before you ask for or accept them. If you don't want to be intimate with a man, don't put yourself in intimate situations, and definitely not intimate situations he paid for. If you want to take things slow, then don't let him buy you plane tickets to Miami yet. Just go to the movies... and buy your own popcorn.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Sponsor?
Can someone please leave a comment and explain why having a "sponsor" is 1)OK, 2)any different than prostitution?
Thanks,
Dr. Hak
Thanks,
Dr. Hak
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Maybe You Don't Really Want a Relationship
I talk enough, so I'm going to leave this topic to the readers of REAL TALK to have your say after a few words - so please, leave a comment for ole Dr. Hak
Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.
Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...
...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.
Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.
Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.
Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.
...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.
Discuss.
Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.
Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...
...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.
Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.
Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.
Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.
...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.
Discuss.
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