I talk enough, so I'm going to leave this topic to the readers of REAL TALK to have your say after a few words - so please, leave a comment for ole Dr. Hak
Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.
Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...
...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.
Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.
Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.
Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.
...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.
Discuss.
Very true, Hakimu.... I was like this in the past: thinking I wanted a relationship but turning down everyone that came my way.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm ready and waiting. LOL
Mylist is only 30 things, but I get your point
ReplyDeleteOk. So part of it I still believe is timing...God's timing.
ReplyDeleteWhile I truly want to be in a long-term relationship (i.e. marriage), I do have commitment issues and some part of me doesn't trust that someone can love me for me. That Beyonce song, Flaws and All was great but having someone love them in its entirety is mind-boggling. Maybe I should start loving ALL of my flaws first b/c I would love his. Hmmm....a thought. lol.
I will admit my relationship (in college) messed me up badly regarding commitment and I haven't looked at it the same. However, somewhere deep within I know it's possible; otherwise, I wouldn't be giving up. I'm just taking a hiatus.
The list - I wouldn't consider myself a list person if you count that he has to be God-fearing, heterosexual, has legal ambition, and believes in open communication (or at least making an attempt to move in that direction).
The actual comment:
I think many of us have become so comfortable and familiar with our singleness, we don't know how to cope with the transition into being a couple. Sure, when it's business you make the unknown work somehow. However, the personal always gets sketchy.
I've only recently admitted to myself that I want to be married and have kids. I agree with you Dr Hak, sometimes some of us just dont want long term relationships and are too afraid for whatever reason (you gave some pretty good ones) to say so.
ReplyDeleteEven though I've said yes I want to be married and have kids, I still enjoy being single. I'm still selfish when it comes to my needs and I'm not ready for the responsiblilities of being a wife and mother.