He Should Feel Like Its His Idea

Occasionally, I get questions from the ladies about asking guys out, approaching men, proposing to men and the sort.

If you seek out information on these attempts to gain a man's favor, you'll find a range of options on whether or not they are good ideas.

I don't care to belabor those points, I'm here to tell you that when it comes to men, and making big decisions like proposing to you, or small ones like asking you out - its a really really REALLY good idea that he thinks it was something he wanted to do and therefore did it.

So what do you do when you see a guy you want to approach you? You use your powers of INFLUENCE.

If you're at a bar, or a club, and you want him to speak to you, you SMILE at him. I didn't say wave him over. If it's a little crowded and you're not sure you are going to be able to make any eye contact, go bump his ass. Move your circle of girls (hopefully not a wolfpack of 8) towards him and his crew and put yourself in a better position to make it happen.


As for the bigger things, getting a guy to ask you out who you actually speak to from time to time involves letting him know that if he were to ask you out, you wouldn't reject him. If he's thinking about it, but isn't a very aggressive guy or not sure what you'll say (or there are impediments such as you work together), he might hint at things without wanting to put himself all the way out there. If he doesn't, and he never flirts with you, then chances are he's not really trying to get at you.

The main reason you don't approach men, ask men out, propose to men, etc... is that you need to be sure he actually likes you. Unless you don't care about things like that.

Unless you actually want to force a man to marry you before he's ready, so then he resents you all because you had some specific age, date, time and place that you were going to get married and he was the guy you'd been dating for the past 2 years when the clock expired. Boo hiss.

Men don't look at marriage as some ala carte, find a good one and make it happen situation. Not in 2010 at least. We are looking for something special, comfortable, easy and long-lasting.

There does come a time where you, in a relationship with a man, can say that you have expectations about the direction of the relationship and a general timeframe or whatever. Like, twice. Not twice a week or twice a day. Twice ever. He heard you. If you really think your boyfriend isn't ever going to marry you, you might have to leave his ass. Otherwise, don't beat him over the head with the concept. Then he'll just resist because you're being pressed - he might not really be opposed to the idea, just wondering why it's SOOOOOOOOO important to you. And before you leave a comment telling me why its so important to you, guess what - it doesn't matter to him. Its his decision to propose, and he has to feel comfortable with it.

Marriage has higher stakes for men than women. Oh you don't believe me? I've got one word for you...

"Half"

Don't pretend like you don't know what that refers to. When a couple gets divorced, who has to give up "half", pay child support, and likely doesn't get custody but instead occasional visitation?

The man does. So don't act like its a simple decision for him. He wants to know that you aren't the type to put him through all that extra stuff, and that you are really a good fit to stay married. It takes time. Yeah, probably longer than you want it to take. But not always. You are allowed to ask your engaged and married homegirls for their advice. That's better than asking your single friends you club with who can't keep a man. Just saying.

OK, I hope I've allowed you to learn something about the psychology of a man.
To summarize - we don't like to be forced into decisions or backed into a corner - we like to feel like we "got" a good catch, so even if you really got him, at least let him think he had something to do with the getting... I think that's it for today.

Peace!

It's Not Supposed To Be Hard

You know when you first meet a guy/gal, and you think they're cute, and they are cool to talk to, but there's just a lot of extra stuff going on? Like drama? Like, they're married or have 3 baby mommas or slack jaw? And then everything is complicated and you're "dealing" with stuff and you just met them a few months ago but you stick it out because you like them?

Well GUESS WHAT... it's not supposed to be like that.

At all.

Ever.

And definitely not in the first 3 months.


If you meet a chick and she's drama within 90 days of meeting you, you shouldn't expect the drama to go away. That woman needs therapy dude. Not the Robin Thicke type either.


If you're "dating" a man who's in the process of getting a divorce, and he has all sorts of insecurity, issues, baggage and drama, you probably shouldn't expect that to magically go away once the divorced is finalized three years from now. Plus, how do you know he's not going to want to exercise his new found singleness for a bit.

If you're dating a young lady, and she WILDING OUT on a regular basis, then you find out you have a mutual friend of one of her ex's and the ex sends you a note saying he's praying for you to have strength... ... ... do I even have to explain what you need to do next??

If you're dealing with someone with substance abuse problems, new young children, mental health issues, or other problems - expecting those issues to go away or change, or that you can actually have some sort of effect or "help" them is a recipe for absolute, total and unconditional disaster.


Listen to Dr Hak for once...

It is not supposed to be THAT hard. Not off top. Every relationship requires work. But drama is for the movies.
"Work" is stuff like learning their likes, dislikes and quirks, and working out your schedules and communication styles.
"Drama" is getting calls, voicemails, emails and facebook interactions from ex's, finding out you're not the only one he's/she's having sex with (and raw at that), ...wait a minute, why am I explaining this. YOU KNOW WHAT DRAMA IS!!!


Let's take another angle for a second.

If within the first 6 months, you find yourself saying one of the following:

"well no one is in our relationship but us, so no one else understands"

OR

"i know I just met him but this is how i FEEL"

OR

"i'm hoping for the best"

OR

"s/he just needs my help and I'm trying to be there for her/him"


... you might be adding/allowing a degree of difficulty that isn't supposed to be there.


"No one understands" is probably the most defensive, dumbest shit you can say to a friend who is trying to find out what you got going on. That's one of those things you throw out there to let people know not to ask you - and people typically only do that when they know that whatever questions they would get asked are things they don't really want to answer/admit to.

At the end of the day, you can't just date someone because you think they're cute or you like them. You can get that anywhere. You're supposed to be trying to find someone special, someone you can build a real bond and future with. Not someone who baby mama drama, problems, issues, and other things that you yourself don't bring to the table.


There are lots of fish in the sea. Always has been. Always will be. There is not a shortage of good men of any race.

There are people out there that you DON'T have to go through a trial by fire with right after meeting them just to get to some happy place that may or may not exist.


Look, I know being lonely sucks, and yeah it might take a while to find the right one, but really - just wait your turn. Spend some time improving you. We all need self improvement. Work on you for a while. Hang out with your friends you tend to ignore when you're all up under somebody.

Why risk unwanted pregnancy, emotional baggage, financial repercussions, and not being available when you find The One over some fleeting, temporary situation? ... and you know damn well that if you are dealing in anything remotely similar to the above situations WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET, that you aren't going to marry that fool. Come on son. Keep it real with yourself, for yourself. Life is too short.

A Man's Criteria for Commitment

Getting a man to commit to you isn't nearly as hard as it seems.

First and foremost, I know you're already thinking of men who didn't commit to you in the past. Well, that's not a bad place for you draw reference, but let's be solution oriented and future-focused here.

2nd, if you're thinking about some scrub/player/loser dude and wondering why he won't commit and hoping you'll find the answers in this entry - you won't. This list is for real brothers only.


I reserve the right to add to this list of REAL TALK Criteria that must be in place before a man can commit to you.

1. Himself

A man has to be in a place mentally and spiritually where he even finds the prospect of a relationship appealing. You can usually find out if a man is interested in being in a relationship by ASKING. You may need to read between the lines, and make sure you don't ask at dumb times such as before or after sex, or when he's doing something (watching the game, at work, etc.)

He also has to feel as if his career/side-hustle/stability are in place, or on the way to being in a place he wants. If you are trying to get a man with no job and two separate child support payments to be your one-and-only...well... well, you may have other issues than commitment to start with but you're also barking up the wrong tree

2. You Need to Have your Basic Sh*t Together

There's nothing more frustrating than dealing with a woman who doesn't believe in herself. Most men over 25 have dealt with women who have low self-esteem and its not fun. If you base some or all of your self worth on your current level of career success or education (or lack thereof), your dude will pick up on that. He may be willing to help you rise, but that's if you need a hand up, not a ladder.

In plain terms, if you feel some kind of way about being unemployed, you are going to give vibes off to your would-be man that he doesn't want. If you haven't finished all of your college classes and constantly talk about yourself in the way that insecure people tend to do (name dropping, saying whatever else you got going for you to make yourself sound important, talking down on the accomplishments themselves as if you really didn't want them, etc.) he'll pick up on that.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just started taking those classes again instead of wondering if he'll leave you for a chick with a PhD? Her having more degrees probably is not actually a tiebreaker, but if you keep bringing it up it will be.

Other parts of "basic sh*t" include - pay your bills on time. Be a good mother if you have kids. Take care of your siblings and parents. Take care of your obligations. Handle your business at work.


3. You Have to be Trophy Material / He Needs to Be Able to Show You Off

OK, all wives are trophy wives. I read that somewhere and it's true.Go ahead and get mad, I'll wait until you're over it...

Why would I want to be with you if I can't show you off proudly to my peoples (homeboys, co-workers, family, ex's, haters)?

This isn't strictly about looks either. That would be a bad assumption on your part if you made it. Looks is only one thing, and there are only so many dimes to go around. No, you get shown off when you dress well, can hold a conversation, have a respectable job, know how to act, can talk about sports a lil' bit... that type of stuff.

I want to be able to take you places without feeling like I have to rescue you every 5 minutes. You can improve if you are lacking in this area. Get some hobbies, do some research on that stuff he's always talking about. Get some damn social skills.

I've heard this point said other places as "I want a woman I can take to the boardroom or the hood", but I think that's a pretty f-ing stupid way of making the point.

4. People Important to Him Need to Think You're Not Whack

Very similar to #3, but much more intimate. There are anywhere from zero to 8 people in his life with veto power (let's call it "pause power" instead) over your relationship. If it's zero, why are you with such an anti-social weirdo? If it's 8, that's a lot of people who are going to be present in your relationship. Let's look at someone with about 4. His best male friend, his best female friend, his mom, his dad. (Not always the list, I felt I should clarify that) You're going to meet these people (unless you're a jump-off). Be respectful, but also be yourself. Remember the things your significant other said about them and bring it up in conversation when appropriate. Also know he's going to talk about you, so try not to do dumb shit he's going to have to vent about and tell them. That's not good for business.

Anyway, the point here is, if the people who have been around longer than you universally hate you, being with you represents a pretty lonely, isolated life. That's not usually a good thing.


5. He Needs To View You As Irreplaceable or Rare In Some Specific Way

Probably the most important item on this list.

This can play out a number of ways. I've personally committed to or considered committing to women who:
1) looked way better than the majority of women I'd pulled to that point
2) were much smarter than most of the women I'd pulled to that point
3) were much more generous than the women I'd dated to that point
4) were much more liberated in bed...
5) I had much better natural chemistry with...

You get the point. If he can't say "you're so much more *blank* than I'm used to dealing with", you may not really be adding anything to his life. So if he were to not be with you, what would be missing from his life?

I've said this before, you need to know what it is a man sees in you that makes him consider you special. If he can't articulate it, and you can't articulate it for him, well... you may not be in a situation that can blossom into something else.

6. He Has to Like You

Like YOU, who you are, right now, today, not who you might become. He acts like he likes you if he likes you


7. You Have to Like Him (and Show It)

HIM, who he is, right now, today, not some "potential" him you decided in your head or the "one day" him in his hopes and dreams that may or may not be realized. You need to enjoy being around him and talking to him and spending time with him.

8. He Needs to be Free-and-Clear of Other Potential Wives/Girlfriends

This one is trickier for you to navigate. If a man is still hung up on his ex, he'll talk about her often. That's not a good thing. You probably won't hear about some of his other "options" or potential options. This is why you have to pay attention to his actions. If he's into you, but wondering what's going to happen with some other new situation, his actions will show it.


9. He Has To See The Potential For Growth

Two things. If you don't live in the same city and circumstances are such that you will "never" be in the same city, that's not leaving room for growth, even if everything else is "right".

The other thing - growth is just that. Growing together. He has to look at you and see you fitting into his future in some way. If you're not in his future plans, he's not considering committing to you.


10. He Needs To Feel Emotionally Safe With You

The ridiculous stigma that men are less emotional than women, or that our emotions aren't as important to us as womens' are to them holds back our society, I swear it.

A man will not commit to a woman he doesn't feel like he can talk to without being judged/harassed/nagged.

A man will not commit to a woman who doesn't give him the emotional support that HE needs. Men are not all one size fits all. Every man can't be told to "toughen up" when times get tough. Every man doesn't need to get out of the house when times get tough. You need to learn your man and pay attention to HIS specific emotional needs if you want him to commit to you.

Good COMMUNICATION falls under #10.



Ok, that's all I've got. Please add anything I missed in the comments section...

5 Steps to Getting a Good Man

This plan is foolproof, by the way. There are a couple of pre-requisites, I should say. As in, be over your ex's, be emotionally available, actually want to be in a real relationship and not be scared or not ready for the consequences of such...

1. Make yourself available to be met. That means get out the damn house, don't travel in packs larger than 4. 3 is the correct number.

2. Be nice to guys who approach you. Don't turn down anyone for contact info based on looks unless he's U-G-L-Y. Don't ask for his number unless he's comically shy.

3. Stop dealing with him if warning signs pop up. You know what warning signs are. If you don't, your male friends will interpret for you (except the ones who are trying to get at you).

4.Decide if he's worth your time within 3 dates or 6 weeks. Be upfront and let him know of your decision to not romantically date him if you decide he's not right for you romantically. If he disagrees, he gets one more date if you feel like it. Just one.

5. Act right. Show interest in the things he's interested in. Hook him up. Honor his requests as often as he honors yours.