Getting a man to commit to you isn't nearly as hard as it seems.
First and foremost, I know you're already thinking of men who didn't commit to you in the past. Well, that's not a bad place for you draw reference, but let's be solution oriented and future-focused here.
2nd, if you're thinking about some scrub/player/loser dude and wondering why he won't commit and hoping you'll find the answers in this entry - you won't. This list is for real brothers only.
I reserve the right to add to this list of REAL TALK Criteria that must be in place before a man can commit to you.
1. Himself
A man has to be in a place mentally and spiritually where he even finds the prospect of a relationship appealing. You can usually find out if a man is interested in being in a relationship by ASKING. You may need to read between the lines, and make sure you don't ask at dumb times such as before or after sex, or when he's doing something (watching the game, at work, etc.)
He also has to feel as if his career/side-hustle/stability are in place, or on the way to being in a place he wants. If you are trying to get a man with no job and two separate child support payments to be your one-and-only...well... well, you may have other issues than commitment to start with but you're also barking up the wrong tree
2. You Need to Have your Basic Sh*t Together
There's nothing more frustrating than dealing with a woman who doesn't believe in herself. Most men over 25 have dealt with women who have low self-esteem and its not fun. If you base some or all of your self worth on your current level of career success or education (or lack thereof), your dude will pick up on that. He may be willing to help you rise, but that's if you need a hand up, not a ladder.
In plain terms, if you feel some kind of way about being unemployed, you are going to give vibes off to your would-be man that he doesn't want. If you haven't finished all of your college classes and constantly talk about yourself in the way that insecure people tend to do (name dropping, saying whatever else you got going for you to make yourself sound important, talking down on the accomplishments themselves as if you really didn't want them, etc.) he'll pick up on that.
Wouldn't it be easier if you just started taking those classes again instead of wondering if he'll leave you for a chick with a PhD? Her having more degrees probably is not actually a tiebreaker, but if you keep bringing it up it will be.
Other parts of "basic sh*t" include - pay your bills on time. Be a good mother if you have kids. Take care of your siblings and parents. Take care of your obligations. Handle your business at work.
3. You Have to be Trophy Material / He Needs to Be Able to Show You Off
OK, all wives are trophy wives. I read that somewhere and it's true.Go ahead and get mad, I'll wait until you're over it...
Why would I want to be with you if I can't show you off proudly to my peoples (homeboys, co-workers, family, ex's, haters)?
This isn't strictly about looks either. That would be a bad assumption on your part if you made it. Looks is only one thing, and there are only so many dimes to go around. No, you get shown off when you dress well, can hold a conversation, have a respectable job, know how to act, can talk about sports a lil' bit... that type of stuff.
I want to be able to take you places without feeling like I have to rescue you every 5 minutes. You can improve if you are lacking in this area. Get some hobbies, do some research on that stuff he's always talking about. Get some damn social skills.
I've heard this point said other places as "I want a woman I can take to the boardroom or the hood", but I think that's a pretty f-ing stupid way of making the point.
4. People Important to Him Need to Think You're Not Whack
Very similar to #3, but much more intimate. There are anywhere from zero to 8 people in his life with veto power (let's call it "pause power" instead) over your relationship. If it's zero, why are you with such an anti-social weirdo? If it's 8, that's a lot of people who are going to be present in your relationship. Let's look at someone with about 4. His best male friend, his best female friend, his mom, his dad. (Not always the list, I felt I should clarify that) You're going to meet these people (unless you're a jump-off). Be respectful, but also be yourself. Remember the things your significant other said about them and bring it up in conversation when appropriate. Also know he's going to talk about you, so try not to do dumb shit he's going to have to vent about and tell them. That's not good for business.
Anyway, the point here is, if the people who have been around longer than you universally hate you, being with you represents a pretty lonely, isolated life. That's not usually a good thing.
5. He Needs To View You As Irreplaceable or Rare In Some Specific Way
Probably the most important item on this list.
This can play out a number of ways. I've personally committed to or considered committing to women who:
1) looked way better than the majority of women I'd pulled to that point
2) were much smarter than most of the women I'd pulled to that point
3) were much more generous than the women I'd dated to that point
4) were much more liberated in bed...
5) I had much better natural chemistry with...
You get the point. If he can't say "you're so much more *blank* than I'm used to dealing with", you may not really be adding anything to his life. So if he were to not be with you, what would be missing from his life?
I've said this before, you need to know what it is a man sees in you that makes him consider you special. If he can't articulate it, and you can't articulate it for him, well... you may not be in a situation that can blossom into something else.
6. He Has to Like You
Like YOU, who you are, right now, today, not who you might become. He acts like he likes you if he likes you
7. You Have to Like Him (and Show It)
HIM, who he is, right now, today, not some "potential" him you decided in your head or the "one day" him in his hopes and dreams that may or may not be realized. You need to enjoy being around him and talking to him and spending time with him.
8. He Needs to be Free-and-Clear of Other Potential Wives/Girlfriends
This one is trickier for you to navigate. If a man is still hung up on his ex, he'll talk about her often. That's not a good thing. You probably won't hear about some of his other "options" or potential options. This is why you have to pay attention to his actions. If he's into you, but wondering what's going to happen with some other new situation, his actions will show it.
9. He Has To See The Potential For Growth
Two things. If you don't live in the same city and circumstances are such that you will "never" be in the same city, that's not leaving room for growth, even if everything else is "right".
The other thing - growth is just that. Growing together. He has to look at you and see you fitting into his future in some way. If you're not in his future plans, he's not considering committing to you.
10. He Needs To Feel Emotionally Safe With You
The ridiculous stigma that men are less emotional than women, or that our emotions aren't as important to us as womens' are to them holds back our society, I swear it.
A man will not commit to a woman he doesn't feel like he can talk to without being judged/harassed/nagged.
A man will not commit to a woman who doesn't give him the emotional support that HE needs. Men are not all one size fits all. Every man can't be told to "toughen up" when times get tough. Every man doesn't need to get out of the house when times get tough. You need to learn your man and pay attention to HIS specific emotional needs if you want him to commit to you.
Good COMMUNICATION falls under #10.
Ok, that's all I've got. Please add anything I missed in the comments section...
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