Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
What's Your Profile?
Recent events have forced me to realize a few things about my life, including, but not limited to, the fact that people pay attention to me more that I want them to.
That's not always a bad thing, and I'm certainly no D-list celebrity, but there are a lot of people that know me. I have 1600 facebook friends, 400+ LinkedIn friends, and people even follow me on The Ladders for work. Utterly random folk.
Something happened recently that allowed me to realize that people, do in fact, pay more attention to me than I think(thought) they do. It was a pretty surreal incident, complete with haters, fake supporters and folks who need to get kicked in the nuts ala The Boondocks, but I'm glad I was able to learn that lesson now and not later.
You see, no matter what you are doing, someone is looking. Especially online. I don't use facebook statuses to post all my random thoughts because I'm not that tight with 1600 folks. I have about 120 followers on my personal Twitter account and I just started a professional one (@hakimudavidson). The personal one has protected tweets because I don't particularly want people who I don't know to have any thoughts at all about what I do and do not randomly have to say on Twitter. Hell, I don't even know if I really want the folks that do know me to see all that stuff, but alas, "it is what it is" [worst cliche ever].
Before I get to rambling, my point is - you have a public profile. Its probably nothing like the "real" you, but it is there and its OK for you to develop it how you see fit. Kobe Bryant is a suspected-rapist and from reports a grade-A asshole and a biter, but he makes sure his wife and kids are seen with him on ABC telecasts of the NBA Finals. Because that's his public image and that's what he WANTS you to see.
Like it or not, I'm an officer of a large organization here in DC. I also send a lot of Facebook notes out for the group, so 1000+ people see the name Dr Hak at least twice a week. People meet me and "already" know me. I have to be aware of that, less I confuse the absolute shit out of some people.
I wrote a blog back a while ago called "Both/And". The point was that we all as individuals have our private selves we share with our friends and loved ones, and our public selves we share for work. We want to be allowed to be fully fleshed out, well-rounded individuals, but quite often we look at others and say "hey, isn't that the mayor? What the hell is he doing at the club popping bottles of Dom P?!"
He's having a good damn time, that's what. Just like when you went out for your birthday, you kicked it extra hard and got EXTRA chocolate wasted... then went to church on Sunday and work on Monday with your suit, tie, blouse or whatever on.
But that mayor has to be careful. Regardless of how we want others to let us live, they just don't.
So what is my point?
People view you a certain way. That is your profile. Your public profile is seen by most, and your private profile by a few (celebrities excepted).
Its important that you KNOW and realize what your profile is and then make your own decisions about how you are defined in the public eye.
If you don't take control of your image, your profile, your personal branding... others will fill in the blanks for you. If you're a jerk, socially awkward, or serial killer, that may not be all bad - but for most of us, its in our best interests that we take care of our own situations.
This applies to dating too. In fact, the idea for this entry came from reading a blog from a friend of mine who is having some issues.
I'm going to address this part mainly at the lovely lady readers of Real Talk only because men get feedback from our love interests far more often because women will get all emotional and tell you about yourself on a regular basis. But the info applies to both genders equally.
A lot of women think they are "good women" and they say they are looking for a "Good man". Nightline tv specials and lists aside... I would venture to guess that the majority of women who think they are a "good woman" are not nearly as "good" as they think they are.
Sure, you may think you're cute because you get hit on a lot. You may think you're a good catch because you have a job and decent credit. You may think you're emotionally available because you live alone and have your own car... BUUUUUUUUUUUUT what the hell does that have to do with a man and what he's looking for?
And much more importantly, what does that have to do with how he looks at you?
You see, I never advocate being fake. A friend of mine told me she was going to start watching CNN so she could have talking points during CBC events when she met men. I told her to cut the crap. One, thats not necessary or even really helpful, and Two, are you going to keep up this new lifestyle of political awareness just to keep said man you trapped who loves talking about Red States and Blue States and Immigration?
What I advocate is knowing who you are and knowing how you come off to people so you can play up your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
Just going around blaming men or saying good men don't want to settle down is lazy as hell and doesn't help you advance.
Its clearly not true. Men do want to settle down with good women. If a man doesn't want to settle down after he meets YOU, then you aren't The One for him. That's OK. You've turned down plenty of decent guys too. Keep it moving and stop bitching and complaining.
OR... maybe you're not actually a good woman.
Sad but true. Its definitely possible.
Remember, MEN define what a good woman is. Ever wondered why your friends were able to get married and you can't even get a relationship to last over a year. Well... there are different ways of doing things. IF yours isn't working for you, sticking to your guns and shouting IM A GOOD WOMAN WHY DONT THESE MEN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the top of your lungs won't help. You're going to have to try something new.
OR... maybe you are a good woman, but you're sending out mixed signals or have something else going on thats getting in the way
Examples:
Not emotionally available / still communicating with Ex's
Overly pressed to advance a new relationship with a guy you JUST MET
Clingy - wanting too much time too soon
Crazy - expecting unrealistic things because you WANT them, not because they make sense
etc etc etc
Well I'll wrap it up with this. You may or may not be aware of the things you are doing that are getting you disqualified. There is a simple way to find out though...
ASK
Ask your male friends. MALE...friends. Ask your ex boyfriends. (If you aren't cool with more than 2 of your Ex's something says you don't choose quality men to start with, and that in itself needs to be addressed.)
Ask your Dad why he picked your mom (if they are together or not). Ask your male cousins what they want.
You don't have to be anyone you aren't, you just have to find out who you are to THEM. That will help you figure out what type of person would even want to be with you in the first place, and then you can figure out the rest later.
That's all for today.
Know thyself and how others knoweth you too.
That's not always a bad thing, and I'm certainly no D-list celebrity, but there are a lot of people that know me. I have 1600 facebook friends, 400+ LinkedIn friends, and people even follow me on The Ladders for work. Utterly random folk.
Something happened recently that allowed me to realize that people, do in fact, pay more attention to me than I think(thought) they do. It was a pretty surreal incident, complete with haters, fake supporters and folks who need to get kicked in the nuts ala The Boondocks, but I'm glad I was able to learn that lesson now and not later.
You see, no matter what you are doing, someone is looking. Especially online. I don't use facebook statuses to post all my random thoughts because I'm not that tight with 1600 folks. I have about 120 followers on my personal Twitter account and I just started a professional one (@hakimudavidson). The personal one has protected tweets because I don't particularly want people who I don't know to have any thoughts at all about what I do and do not randomly have to say on Twitter. Hell, I don't even know if I really want the folks that do know me to see all that stuff, but alas, "it is what it is" [worst cliche ever].
Before I get to rambling, my point is - you have a public profile. Its probably nothing like the "real" you, but it is there and its OK for you to develop it how you see fit. Kobe Bryant is a suspected-rapist and from reports a grade-A asshole and a biter, but he makes sure his wife and kids are seen with him on ABC telecasts of the NBA Finals. Because that's his public image and that's what he WANTS you to see.
Like it or not, I'm an officer of a large organization here in DC. I also send a lot of Facebook notes out for the group, so 1000+ people see the name Dr Hak at least twice a week. People meet me and "already" know me. I have to be aware of that, less I confuse the absolute shit out of some people.
I wrote a blog back a while ago called "Both/And". The point was that we all as individuals have our private selves we share with our friends and loved ones, and our public selves we share for work. We want to be allowed to be fully fleshed out, well-rounded individuals, but quite often we look at others and say "hey, isn't that the mayor? What the hell is he doing at the club popping bottles of Dom P?!"
He's having a good damn time, that's what. Just like when you went out for your birthday, you kicked it extra hard and got EXTRA chocolate wasted... then went to church on Sunday and work on Monday with your suit, tie, blouse or whatever on.
But that mayor has to be careful. Regardless of how we want others to let us live, they just don't.
So what is my point?
People view you a certain way. That is your profile. Your public profile is seen by most, and your private profile by a few (celebrities excepted).
Its important that you KNOW and realize what your profile is and then make your own decisions about how you are defined in the public eye.
If you don't take control of your image, your profile, your personal branding... others will fill in the blanks for you. If you're a jerk, socially awkward, or serial killer, that may not be all bad - but for most of us, its in our best interests that we take care of our own situations.
This applies to dating too. In fact, the idea for this entry came from reading a blog from a friend of mine who is having some issues.
I'm going to address this part mainly at the lovely lady readers of Real Talk only because men get feedback from our love interests far more often because women will get all emotional and tell you about yourself on a regular basis. But the info applies to both genders equally.
A lot of women think they are "good women" and they say they are looking for a "Good man". Nightline tv specials and lists aside... I would venture to guess that the majority of women who think they are a "good woman" are not nearly as "good" as they think they are.
Sure, you may think you're cute because you get hit on a lot. You may think you're a good catch because you have a job and decent credit. You may think you're emotionally available because you live alone and have your own car... BUUUUUUUUUUUUT what the hell does that have to do with a man and what he's looking for?
And much more importantly, what does that have to do with how he looks at you?
You see, I never advocate being fake. A friend of mine told me she was going to start watching CNN so she could have talking points during CBC events when she met men. I told her to cut the crap. One, thats not necessary or even really helpful, and Two, are you going to keep up this new lifestyle of political awareness just to keep said man you trapped who loves talking about Red States and Blue States and Immigration?
What I advocate is knowing who you are and knowing how you come off to people so you can play up your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
Just going around blaming men or saying good men don't want to settle down is lazy as hell and doesn't help you advance.
Its clearly not true. Men do want to settle down with good women. If a man doesn't want to settle down after he meets YOU, then you aren't The One for him. That's OK. You've turned down plenty of decent guys too. Keep it moving and stop bitching and complaining.
OR... maybe you're not actually a good woman.
Sad but true. Its definitely possible.
Remember, MEN define what a good woman is. Ever wondered why your friends were able to get married and you can't even get a relationship to last over a year. Well... there are different ways of doing things. IF yours isn't working for you, sticking to your guns and shouting IM A GOOD WOMAN WHY DONT THESE MEN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the top of your lungs won't help. You're going to have to try something new.
OR... maybe you are a good woman, but you're sending out mixed signals or have something else going on thats getting in the way
Examples:
Not emotionally available / still communicating with Ex's
Overly pressed to advance a new relationship with a guy you JUST MET
Clingy - wanting too much time too soon
Crazy - expecting unrealistic things because you WANT them, not because they make sense
etc etc etc
Well I'll wrap it up with this. You may or may not be aware of the things you are doing that are getting you disqualified. There is a simple way to find out though...
ASK
Ask your male friends. MALE...friends. Ask your ex boyfriends. (If you aren't cool with more than 2 of your Ex's something says you don't choose quality men to start with, and that in itself needs to be addressed.)
Ask your Dad why he picked your mom (if they are together or not). Ask your male cousins what they want.
You don't have to be anyone you aren't, you just have to find out who you are to THEM. That will help you figure out what type of person would even want to be with you in the first place, and then you can figure out the rest later.
That's all for today.
Know thyself and how others knoweth you too.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Appreciation
1. In accounting, appreciation of an asset is an increase in its value.
2. Appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive
The following is a quick list of things I appreciate. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
1. Good food
2. Real friends
3. A woman who will learn about your interests
4. Horsepower
5. peace and quiet at the beach
2. Appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive
The following is a quick list of things I appreciate. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
1. Good food
2. Real friends
3. A woman who will learn about your interests
4. Horsepower
5. peace and quiet at the beach
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You're Getting Bad Advice
Just like LeBron James, if your friends always agree with you when you come to them with issues, you're bound to fuck something up on a major scale. Cherish and respect your friends who tell you the truth, even if it pisses you off.
If you've lived in the same place with the same family and friends around you all your life, the people who know you best can be an asset and a liability. Its up to you to learn who really knows what they are talking about. It could be different people for different issues. Your auntie with bad dating history isnt the one to get dating advice from. Your crazy uncle at the strip club every week can tell you how to make it rain, but not how to date a serious woman. Stuff like that. You get the point.
Stop listening to people who tell you what you want to hear.
Repeat after me: "Today I will stop doing the things I know do not work"
If you've lived in the same place with the same family and friends around you all your life, the people who know you best can be an asset and a liability. Its up to you to learn who really knows what they are talking about. It could be different people for different issues. Your auntie with bad dating history isnt the one to get dating advice from. Your crazy uncle at the strip club every week can tell you how to make it rain, but not how to date a serious woman. Stuff like that. You get the point.
Stop listening to people who tell you what you want to hear.
Repeat after me: "Today I will stop doing the things I know do not work"
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