There may not be a lot of posts here at Real Talk over the next few days. My 30th Birthday is Wednesday and I've got a business trip I need to prepare for (A 50 page case study! Real Talk???) I have some stuff I'm working on for next week though, so have no fear lovers of the truth! Plus, who knows, I might just change my mind... Until then, I'm off to focus.
-Dr Hak
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I've Got Your Back St. Valentine
I am not going to sit here and let all you single, disgruntled, and romantically challenged people talk mess about my favorite day of the year without a peep.
REAL TALK - all of you who hate on Valentine's Day do so at your own peril when Dr. Hak is in the building.
What other day can you easily identify who is, and is not available for you to get at without too much brain wrestling? What other day can you get guaranteed birthday-style sex if you're in a relationship? What other day is dedicated to people appreciating someone else? Christmas is just about gifts. Thanksgiving is about turkey and football now. Valentine's Day is, and always will be, about Love.
Love. The one thing that will never leave this Earth as long as humans are on it. In theory, all Christains could be wiped from the planet in a plague. Christmas will be forgotten. Thanksgiving is an American only holiday. China will destroy us soon, right? (No - they will not). What's President's Day for when America goes to the Monarch system?
Love will be around forever.
Don't let old situations cloud your view of love.
And don't sit here pretending like you don't want to be in a strong, healthy, loving relationship ONE DAY.
And REALLY stop fronting like you don't F with V-day like that because you happen to not have a Valentine THIS YEAR when you know if you had one you'd be relatively excited to find out where you were going for dinner/what he was going to get you/what she is going to wear that night.
It's disingenuous, flawed, and fake to hate on Valentine's Day because of your CURRENT situation.
You want a Valentine? You want someone to love you for all your greatness and glory. OK then, do this... SHOW LOVE.
SHOW LOVE TO GET LOVE.
That's what it takes.
You're a good looking woman, but you have a nasty attitude. Fired.
You're a good dude, but you are stingy with these "golddigging" females. No one likes a cheapskate.
Show love to get love. It's that simple.
I blog to show love. And guess what I get in return? That's right, love. Everytime someone says "read this", that's showing love. And I sincerely appreciate it.
I love you too.
Next Valentine's Day is 362 days away. You have time to get it right.
REAL TALK - all of you who hate on Valentine's Day do so at your own peril when Dr. Hak is in the building.
What other day can you easily identify who is, and is not available for you to get at without too much brain wrestling? What other day can you get guaranteed birthday-style sex if you're in a relationship? What other day is dedicated to people appreciating someone else? Christmas is just about gifts. Thanksgiving is about turkey and football now. Valentine's Day is, and always will be, about Love.
Love. The one thing that will never leave this Earth as long as humans are on it. In theory, all Christains could be wiped from the planet in a plague. Christmas will be forgotten. Thanksgiving is an American only holiday. China will destroy us soon, right? (No - they will not). What's President's Day for when America goes to the Monarch system?
Love will be around forever.
Don't let old situations cloud your view of love.
And don't sit here pretending like you don't want to be in a strong, healthy, loving relationship ONE DAY.
And REALLY stop fronting like you don't F with V-day like that because you happen to not have a Valentine THIS YEAR when you know if you had one you'd be relatively excited to find out where you were going for dinner/what he was going to get you/what she is going to wear that night.
It's disingenuous, flawed, and fake to hate on Valentine's Day because of your CURRENT situation.
You want a Valentine? You want someone to love you for all your greatness and glory. OK then, do this... SHOW LOVE.
SHOW LOVE TO GET LOVE.
That's what it takes.
You're a good looking woman, but you have a nasty attitude. Fired.
You're a good dude, but you are stingy with these "golddigging" females. No one likes a cheapskate.
Show love to get love. It's that simple.
I blog to show love. And guess what I get in return? That's right, love. Everytime someone says "read this", that's showing love. And I sincerely appreciate it.
I love you too.
Next Valentine's Day is 362 days away. You have time to get it right.
Do You Just Like To Complain,.. or Are You Ready?
A lot of people are not really ready for what they say they want. Relationships, family, Career, Entrepreneurship, getting money, etc.
They say they want to meet someone, but they haven't taken stock of their internal devices to figure out if they're really ready to be in a healthy relationship. Do you think your daddy issues/trust issues/baggage will magically disappear or you'll find just the man with the exact amount of patience to deal with your bullshit? Silly Rabbit. Admit it to yourself that you need help, if no one else, and head to therapy. It's a good thing.
I'm down with the Urban League Professionals and came up with an idea to have a quality discussion around Black Love...a SOLUTION driven panel discussion. (A discussion I won't even be at because of a job interview. I really want the gig so it's all good...kinda, lol) I've been in the room too many times where people...yes I'm talking about women... start screaming and hollaring about their ex's and what not, while all I can think of is "of course he cheated on you, you're kind of a bitch". Fear not, I didn't say these things outloud. There's "Real Talk" and then there's "real good ways to start a fist fight".
Regardless, you have to really look internally when it comes to the things you want in life.
AM I REALLY READY?
DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE SACRIFICES NEEDED?
WHAT AM I NOT DOING THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING?
WHAT AM I GOING TO HAVE TO CUT OUT OF MY LIFE TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Let's skip relationships for a second and go to owning your own business. This is a personal goal for Dr. Hak.
Am I really ready to own my own business? - Probably 50% Yes, 50% No. As far as wanting to - yes. But I feel as if I do not have the correct concept or idea to pursue. I tend to go all-in on certain types of things and I need a business I can go all in on and really focus on. Otherwise I'd just be going through the motions, part of why I don't plan on returning to corporate America. I really don't care about making other people rich. I need a business that I care about the product we put out. As good as a chef as I am, I don't really think food is the answer.
Do I have what it takes to own my own business - Yes, definitely. There are things I am going to have to improve, however. Picking employees is not something I will be able to do without help. I'll need to get help picking good managers/supervisors as well. Let's say I opened a sports bar. Jasiri's been bartending for a minute, so I can at least ask him to help me pick someone if he didn't want to do it. Same thing for a club. My boy James would give me some advice if I wanted to get into it.
The fact that I've even considered these things shows I'm resourceful and think about things in advance. Something good for someone who owns a business.
As far as the sacrifices go, I already mentioned I can be very focused when I am interested in something. I don't think I'd have a problem sacrificing certain things. Time with my kids (future kids, thank you) is not something I'd sacrifice however. So I'd expect to have them at the shop with me a lot.
What am I not doing? - I'm not doing a lot of research, meeting bankers, finding a good accountant, scouting locations, etc. This is because, as I said earlier, I'm not in possession of a concept or idea I'm ready to run with. Those things would change in a hurry.
What will I have to stop doing? - Stay up until 4:14AM blogging when I have to open the shop in a few hours. Wilding. Blogging (unless its $ related). Partying. Traveling all the time, etc.
OK that's my inventory for opening a biz. If you're tired of complaining about the things you DON'T have in life and want to really start getting at them, start your own inventory and see what you come up with. Then start. START. Believe in yourself while accepting criticism and thanking haters for their input. You know who your haters are, so don't let them hold you back from what you really want. Don't let your bitter ass homegirl with the bad attitude keep you from going out with that nice guy you just met. Don't let the cat with two kids and no cash tell you about his washed up dreams and how you should just get a job if you don't want to have "just" a job. If you want kids, look at your life and think about what you'll have to change to fit them into your life (hint: stay out the clubs for a while).
That's it for now. Enjoy your day!
-Dr Hak
They say they want to meet someone, but they haven't taken stock of their internal devices to figure out if they're really ready to be in a healthy relationship. Do you think your daddy issues/trust issues/baggage will magically disappear or you'll find just the man with the exact amount of patience to deal with your bullshit? Silly Rabbit. Admit it to yourself that you need help, if no one else, and head to therapy. It's a good thing.
I'm down with the Urban League Professionals and came up with an idea to have a quality discussion around Black Love...a SOLUTION driven panel discussion. (A discussion I won't even be at because of a job interview. I really want the gig so it's all good...kinda, lol) I've been in the room too many times where people...yes I'm talking about women... start screaming and hollaring about their ex's and what not, while all I can think of is "of course he cheated on you, you're kind of a bitch". Fear not, I didn't say these things outloud. There's "Real Talk" and then there's "real good ways to start a fist fight".
Regardless, you have to really look internally when it comes to the things you want in life.
AM I REALLY READY?
DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE SACRIFICES NEEDED?
WHAT AM I NOT DOING THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING?
WHAT AM I GOING TO HAVE TO CUT OUT OF MY LIFE TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Let's skip relationships for a second and go to owning your own business. This is a personal goal for Dr. Hak.
Am I really ready to own my own business? - Probably 50% Yes, 50% No. As far as wanting to - yes. But I feel as if I do not have the correct concept or idea to pursue. I tend to go all-in on certain types of things and I need a business I can go all in on and really focus on. Otherwise I'd just be going through the motions, part of why I don't plan on returning to corporate America. I really don't care about making other people rich. I need a business that I care about the product we put out. As good as a chef as I am, I don't really think food is the answer.
Do I have what it takes to own my own business - Yes, definitely. There are things I am going to have to improve, however. Picking employees is not something I will be able to do without help. I'll need to get help picking good managers/supervisors as well. Let's say I opened a sports bar. Jasiri's been bartending for a minute, so I can at least ask him to help me pick someone if he didn't want to do it. Same thing for a club. My boy James would give me some advice if I wanted to get into it.
The fact that I've even considered these things shows I'm resourceful and think about things in advance. Something good for someone who owns a business.
As far as the sacrifices go, I already mentioned I can be very focused when I am interested in something. I don't think I'd have a problem sacrificing certain things. Time with my kids (future kids, thank you) is not something I'd sacrifice however. So I'd expect to have them at the shop with me a lot.
What am I not doing? - I'm not doing a lot of research, meeting bankers, finding a good accountant, scouting locations, etc. This is because, as I said earlier, I'm not in possession of a concept or idea I'm ready to run with. Those things would change in a hurry.
What will I have to stop doing? - Stay up until 4:14AM blogging when I have to open the shop in a few hours. Wilding. Blogging (unless its $ related). Partying. Traveling all the time, etc.
OK that's my inventory for opening a biz. If you're tired of complaining about the things you DON'T have in life and want to really start getting at them, start your own inventory and see what you come up with. Then start. START. Believe in yourself while accepting criticism and thanking haters for their input. You know who your haters are, so don't let them hold you back from what you really want. Don't let your bitter ass homegirl with the bad attitude keep you from going out with that nice guy you just met. Don't let the cat with two kids and no cash tell you about his washed up dreams and how you should just get a job if you don't want to have "just" a job. If you want kids, look at your life and think about what you'll have to change to fit them into your life (hint: stay out the clubs for a while).
That's it for now. Enjoy your day!
-Dr Hak
Please Stop Reminding Me About Racism, Slavery, and Hatred
So last week I was tricked into going to a play with my lady friend on the basis that she paid $200 for the tickets and we were going to the ballet. As it turns out, them joints cost $78 total - AFTER fees, and it wasn't even close to the ballet, it was a bunch of people dancing about the Underground Railroad and the slave trade, etc.
I can't say I was too mad with her, because I know me and knowing me, the first thing I'dve said is "what the F*** are we going to see a play about slavery for?" - (exact probable words) and likely would have proceeded to being trying to talk her out of the entire thing. Having made up her mind that she REALLY wanted to go, she set out on a course of lies to get me not to resist. OK, fine. But guess what - stop f-ing lying to me woman. If I'm an ornery old man who complains about how much things cost, young people, and racist shit then that's what I am. Deal or No Deal.
As it were, the dance thing wasn't that bad. Sure we missed the whole first half and if the cast wasn't on CP time wouldn't have made it by intermission like we did, but the unintentional comedy made it worth it. They had slaves dying trying to cross the river, evil looking white men, and Quakers treating the first negro male they saw like Barack Obama himself (no, really... at least three times he could've easily shouted "Yes We Can" and it would've made sense with everything else going on on stage).
But as we walked out, I pretended to enjoy it more than I really did because of her feelings. I did let one line out though... something about "all this racist shit".
I guess what I was trying to express is that, yeah, it was cool to see people dancing, and it would've probably been cooler if we had seen the beginning with the African dance, but we could go see people dance without the whole slavery thing in the background and I'll be JUST FINE. I don't need a damn reminder that weAfrican-American Negro Blacks were mostly brought over here against our will on ships. In fact, its probably good I wasn't there for the middle passage portion because we sat on the front row and It ain't nothing to hop up on a stage and shut this whole bitch down if it gets out of hand.
I DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED OF SLAVERY
I DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT
I DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD THAT WHITE PEOPLE DONT LOOK AT BLACKS OR ANYONE ELSE AS EQUALS IN AMERICAN SOCIETY
I'm tired of being reminded. All these specials. CNN Black in America... why the hell am I watching this? I'm black. It was allegedly designed for whites to understand us more. OK, so I'm not even the target audience and all of my friends are having watch parties? The first time, ok fine, we didn't really know what to expect. But after part 1, Black in America 2 could've been skipped.
Everyone is mad at John Mayer for saying he doesn't get a rise for black chicks. Well guess what, I don't sex white chicksyet. Does that make either one of us racists? No. He said Holly Robinson Peete and Kerri Washington are fine. I think Scarlett Johannson is extra fine (she is). It's not that big a deal for a white dude to like white women. But suddenly, John C Mayer is now the symbol for oppression in America? Move along people...nothing to see here. Its just a bunch of folks trying to bring up a stupid, pointless played out discussion.
Here's a movie example - American Violet. NO I DID NOT GO SEE IT. I had to remember (when people asked me if I had planned on seeing it) that they meant no harm, but I think I might have light-snapped on at least one person over that. Explain to me the point of me going to watch Black people getting treated poorly in Texas. Like really explain it to me... What is that going to do except piss me off and possibly INCITE VIOLENCE? They don't screen those movies in the hood. I wonder why...
Another example of things I don't need to be reminded of = Precious. Didn't need to see it. I already know people live fucked up lives and can't catch a break. Do you think I needed to have the image of Monique masterbating and talking bout some "come take care of momma" seared into my memory forever. I'm a damn empath who may be clairsentinent...I DO NOT need that type of energy around me. I was upset about that movie for hours, until I found out it wasn't a true story in the classical sense (bits and pieces of various fucked up lives were merged into one for the story/book/movie. I was glad to find out that one person didn't have ALL of that happen to them by the age of 18 - that could really lead to some questioning of God)
Back to the original point, I'm just tired of the same bullshit conversations about race. Its always someone complaining or pointing out the latest fucked up thing someone said about someone else's race. So many hypocrites in the media - *sigh*.
When you want to get into some real dialogue about race relations and want to discuss ways to improve things, holla at ya boy for some real talk.
Oh you want me to tell you my ideas now? U say because this is a blog and that's what blogs are for?
OK fine...
1. Integrate Elementary Schools and Neighborhoods.
Children tend to have open minds. A few friends of opposite races growing up could possibly keep people from hating others based on their race down the line.
2. Positive Images in the Media of Minority Families
Barack Obama would not be President of The United States if not for The Cosby Show. A lot of people my age wouldn't have college degrees from HBCUs if not for A Different World. Now, all people see of Blacks on tv are in music videos and The CW. At least 24 had two black presidents (followed by a woman, so get ready for Hillary or Someone not named Sarah Palin in 3 years) for a spell. The bottom line is, TV and media play a huge role in how people see other people today. Why does everyone do racist shit like make Kung Fu sounds when they see someone Asian (or at least think about it)? Because that's what they see on TV.
3. Positive Images of Interracial Families and Children in the Media
Similar to the first, but this one is tougher to pull off.
4. White Legislators in Southern States Treating HBCUs Like They Know What Time It Is
I don't ever see this happening, but if Southern whites would stop fucking with state ran HBCUs every chance they got, and instead acknowledged the important role HBCUs play for Black Americans and America in general, things would run a lot smoother. Do you think I gained or lost trust for White People when the Florida Legislature tried to put FAMU in the bottom of three tiers in their new funding scheme in the early 2000s? The answer is LOST. Now, how do you think I, as an alumni (and a financial one at that), am going to react when I hear of any changes coming from the Legislature involving FAMU? We should want more people to get an education in every way imaginable in the first place. Who cares if we all want to go to college together? White people get to do it.
5. Black People Being WAY WAY Less Defensive and More Intelligent in Race Discussions
When and If Blacks can stop pretending to be upset every single chance they get, and instead move towards having a rational point of view when it comes to race, we could earn some respect. Respect won't necessarily change one individual's mind, but it will have a trickle down effect, and an effect on "swing voters" - people who could be racist or cool on a given day, given their last few impressions of a given minority. If the last Black person you talked to was Barack Obama, you might think Blacks were all articulate, intelligent, and understood race relations are not as simple as Black and White. But the other 99% of our race tends to want to yell a lot and claim racism, etc. Look, if someone asks me if I need help in a store I answer their question. If they follow me around, I can just leave and smile at them and say "thank you" on the way out. No need to make a big ass scene - what will that accomplish? Act with grace and dignity and you'll get it back. If I were to flip and be like "WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" - Guess who looks bad? How will the next black customer be treated?
6. Fight Fire With Water
You know what makes my life easier? NOT responding to racist stuff, and actually acting like it didn't occur if it doesn't matter. If someone says "that nigger" etc, in reference to me and I hear it - what should I do? Beat his ass? Well of course the answer is "yes", but what does that accomplish? Sometimes you have to take one for the team and IGNORE the haters. After being ignored long enough, haters stop. Stop acknowledging the KKK exists and they lose power (but of course, watch your back in The Deep South). You can't let the terrorists win...
OK that's enough for one night. Do you have any ideas to improve race relations? Put them in the comments section, I look forward to reading them. Oh, by the way, if you put "reparations"...you're fired.
Speaking of Racism... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKBKKKLjVSY
I can't say I was too mad with her, because I know me and knowing me, the first thing I'dve said is "what the F*** are we going to see a play about slavery for?" - (exact probable words) and likely would have proceeded to being trying to talk her out of the entire thing. Having made up her mind that she REALLY wanted to go, she set out on a course of lies to get me not to resist. OK, fine. But guess what - stop f-ing lying to me woman. If I'm an ornery old man who complains about how much things cost, young people, and racist shit then that's what I am. Deal or No Deal.
As it were, the dance thing wasn't that bad. Sure we missed the whole first half and if the cast wasn't on CP time wouldn't have made it by intermission like we did, but the unintentional comedy made it worth it. They had slaves dying trying to cross the river, evil looking white men, and Quakers treating the first negro male they saw like Barack Obama himself (no, really... at least three times he could've easily shouted "Yes We Can" and it would've made sense with everything else going on on stage).
But as we walked out, I pretended to enjoy it more than I really did because of her feelings. I did let one line out though... something about "all this racist shit".
I guess what I was trying to express is that, yeah, it was cool to see people dancing, and it would've probably been cooler if we had seen the beginning with the African dance, but we could go see people dance without the whole slavery thing in the background and I'll be JUST FINE. I don't need a damn reminder that we
I DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED OF SLAVERY
I DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT
I DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD THAT WHITE PEOPLE DONT LOOK AT BLACKS OR ANYONE ELSE AS EQUALS IN AMERICAN SOCIETY
I'm tired of being reminded. All these specials. CNN Black in America... why the hell am I watching this? I'm black. It was allegedly designed for whites to understand us more. OK, so I'm not even the target audience and all of my friends are having watch parties? The first time, ok fine, we didn't really know what to expect. But after part 1, Black in America 2 could've been skipped.
Everyone is mad at John Mayer for saying he doesn't get a rise for black chicks. Well guess what, I don't sex white chicks
Here's a movie example - American Violet. NO I DID NOT GO SEE IT. I had to remember (when people asked me if I had planned on seeing it) that they meant no harm, but I think I might have light-snapped on at least one person over that. Explain to me the point of me going to watch Black people getting treated poorly in Texas. Like really explain it to me... What is that going to do except piss me off and possibly INCITE VIOLENCE? They don't screen those movies in the hood. I wonder why...
Another example of things I don't need to be reminded of = Precious. Didn't need to see it. I already know people live fucked up lives and can't catch a break. Do you think I needed to have the image of Monique masterbating and talking bout some "come take care of momma" seared into my memory forever. I'm a damn empath who may be clairsentinent...I DO NOT need that type of energy around me. I was upset about that movie for hours, until I found out it wasn't a true story in the classical sense (bits and pieces of various fucked up lives were merged into one for the story/book/movie. I was glad to find out that one person didn't have ALL of that happen to them by the age of 18 - that could really lead to some questioning of God)
Back to the original point, I'm just tired of the same bullshit conversations about race. Its always someone complaining or pointing out the latest fucked up thing someone said about someone else's race. So many hypocrites in the media - *sigh*.
When you want to get into some real dialogue about race relations and want to discuss ways to improve things, holla at ya boy for some real talk.
Oh you want me to tell you my ideas now? U say because this is a blog and that's what blogs are for?
OK fine...
1. Integrate Elementary Schools and Neighborhoods.
Children tend to have open minds. A few friends of opposite races growing up could possibly keep people from hating others based on their race down the line.
2. Positive Images in the Media of Minority Families
Barack Obama would not be President of The United States if not for The Cosby Show. A lot of people my age wouldn't have college degrees from HBCUs if not for A Different World. Now, all people see of Blacks on tv are in music videos and The CW. At least 24 had two black presidents (followed by a woman, so get ready for Hillary or Someone not named Sarah Palin in 3 years) for a spell. The bottom line is, TV and media play a huge role in how people see other people today. Why does everyone do racist shit like make Kung Fu sounds when they see someone Asian (or at least think about it)? Because that's what they see on TV.
3. Positive Images of Interracial Families and Children in the Media
Similar to the first, but this one is tougher to pull off.
4. White Legislators in Southern States Treating HBCUs Like They Know What Time It Is
I don't ever see this happening, but if Southern whites would stop fucking with state ran HBCUs every chance they got, and instead acknowledged the important role HBCUs play for Black Americans and America in general, things would run a lot smoother. Do you think I gained or lost trust for White People when the Florida Legislature tried to put FAMU in the bottom of three tiers in their new funding scheme in the early 2000s? The answer is LOST. Now, how do you think I, as an alumni (and a financial one at that), am going to react when I hear of any changes coming from the Legislature involving FAMU? We should want more people to get an education in every way imaginable in the first place. Who cares if we all want to go to college together? White people get to do it.
5. Black People Being WAY WAY Less Defensive and More Intelligent in Race Discussions
When and If Blacks can stop pretending to be upset every single chance they get, and instead move towards having a rational point of view when it comes to race, we could earn some respect. Respect won't necessarily change one individual's mind, but it will have a trickle down effect, and an effect on "swing voters" - people who could be racist or cool on a given day, given their last few impressions of a given minority. If the last Black person you talked to was Barack Obama, you might think Blacks were all articulate, intelligent, and understood race relations are not as simple as Black and White. But the other 99% of our race tends to want to yell a lot and claim racism, etc. Look, if someone asks me if I need help in a store I answer their question. If they follow me around, I can just leave and smile at them and say "thank you" on the way out. No need to make a big ass scene - what will that accomplish? Act with grace and dignity and you'll get it back. If I were to flip and be like "WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" - Guess who looks bad? How will the next black customer be treated?
6. Fight Fire With Water
You know what makes my life easier? NOT responding to racist stuff, and actually acting like it didn't occur if it doesn't matter. If someone says "that nigger" etc, in reference to me and I hear it - what should I do? Beat his ass? Well of course the answer is "yes", but what does that accomplish? Sometimes you have to take one for the team and IGNORE the haters. After being ignored long enough, haters stop. Stop acknowledging the KKK exists and they lose power (but of course, watch your back in The Deep South). You can't let the terrorists win...
OK that's enough for one night. Do you have any ideas to improve race relations? Put them in the comments section, I look forward to reading them. Oh, by the way, if you put "reparations"...you're fired.
Speaking of Racism... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKBKKKLjVSY
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
And Now You May Continue Your Life
Congratulations,
You made it through Valentine's Day 2010. Do you have anything you're looking forward to? I turn 30 next Wednesday. I have a big job interview soon. My grandfather is sick and his new wife isn't helping matters starting wars with his kids. Some of my friends lie to me more than others. I made a bunch of $ playing poker and look forward to getting in more. Pacquiao v Clottey on March 13th... for me to boycott. Mayweather v Mosley May 1 for me to go to. Lots of big UFC fights. Essence 2010. A trip to Houston. Cali? The beach. Seeing my little brothers, niece and nephews. Running up the score with Extenze. Toronto? A new career. Winning something cool. Not having a car note every month (as of today! whooooooooooooo!)
I guess that's all I got for now. What are you looking forward to these days?
You made it through Valentine's Day 2010. Do you have anything you're looking forward to? I turn 30 next Wednesday. I have a big job interview soon. My grandfather is sick and his new wife isn't helping matters starting wars with his kids. Some of my friends lie to me more than others. I made a bunch of $ playing poker and look forward to getting in more. Pacquiao v Clottey on March 13th... for me to boycott. Mayweather v Mosley May 1 for me to go to. Lots of big UFC fights. Essence 2010. A trip to Houston. Cali? The beach. Seeing my little brothers, niece and nephews. Running up the score with Extenze. Toronto? A new career. Winning something cool. Not having a car note every month (as of today! whooooooooooooo!)
I guess that's all I got for now. What are you looking forward to these days?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Pause
In everything you do, in every decision you make... before you initiate your action... Pause. Just for a spell.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Census
Enough relationship mumbo jumbo for one week (.../month/year), let's move into some socio-economic political discussions.
It's 2010, and that means the Census will go down later this year.
I was a Census taker in 2000. I lucked out into a motherload of information and basically got to chill all summer. I knocked on doors for two days and let me tell you something right now - THAT SHIT SUCKS. You are treated like a combination of a Jehovah's Witness Bill Collecting Government Paid Snitch, if such a thing were to exist.
Well towards the end of the 2nd day, I went into the management office of this HUGE residential development near my mom's place in Montgomery County, MD (a suburb of DC) called King's Farm. I asked the gal up front if she had a list of the units and how many people lived there. Whatever she gave me met the government's minimum basic requirement for turning in a Census form, and she gave me a LOT of papers. The funny part is, a few of my teammates had been in before and asked for the same thing. I think I spoke to the non-manager on the manager's lunch break, or maybe I'm just a charismatic guy and people can tell I have a warm, caring soul, full of good intentions.
Anyway, because of that list, I was able to turn in the maximum number of response forms per day for the entire summer. I gave the rest to some teammates. Not that they said thank you, but "you're welcome".
Sometimes, things work out for me that way =)
I'm Dr Hak, and I'm a lucky son-of-a-gun - BANG! BANG!
Back to 2010, I am already tired of seeing the commercials, button, advertisements and "awareness" campaigns and everything else they are doing to encourage people to participate.
As far as I'm concerned, they are wasting their time and the taxpayers' hard-earned American money.
For various reasons, certain groups of American residents are wary of filling out anything closely resembling paperwork. Despite all the claims that the Census is NOT going to collect data that will be turned over to "the law", the fact remains that a lot of Black and Brown people just don't fucking believe them.
I'm not going to act surprised at this, because Black people don't fuck with the police. And why should we? Did you see that shit they pulled on Terrence Howard in Crash?!?! I don't know how he didn't snap.
Anyway, illegal immigrants from Mexico, Africa and everywhere in between are NOT going to tell someone with a button and a stack of paper and pre-sharpened pencils a gotdamn thing about how many peoplethe police will need to provide transportation for when they raid the joint live in their lair, and ninjas who know they need to avoid the law are DEFINITELY not opening the door.
That's too bad.
The Census is America's way of figuring out everything from school funding to political election boundaries. The more people in your area the better. Stand up and be counted!!!
At some point, things may change and poor people trust the Census Bureau, or at least see them as definitely NOT the police.
Until then, I say we get gangster and tie their unemployment/tax refund/welfare checks to responding to the Census. I bet you $15,000 that'd get the folk counted.
And i'm not singling out poor people either. The Census needs to be responded to by EVERYONE, so I say for non-poor people, if you don't respond to the survey you get an AUTOMATIC IRS AUDIT.
All it takes if for people to start losing money or having uncomfortable questions asked to start acting right...
Thoughts? Leave a comment!
It's 2010, and that means the Census will go down later this year.
I was a Census taker in 2000. I lucked out into a motherload of information and basically got to chill all summer. I knocked on doors for two days and let me tell you something right now - THAT SHIT SUCKS. You are treated like a combination of a Jehovah's Witness Bill Collecting Government Paid Snitch, if such a thing were to exist.
Well towards the end of the 2nd day, I went into the management office of this HUGE residential development near my mom's place in Montgomery County, MD (a suburb of DC) called King's Farm. I asked the gal up front if she had a list of the units and how many people lived there. Whatever she gave me met the government's minimum basic requirement for turning in a Census form, and she gave me a LOT of papers. The funny part is, a few of my teammates had been in before and asked for the same thing. I think I spoke to the non-manager on the manager's lunch break, or maybe I'm just a charismatic guy and people can tell I have a warm, caring soul, full of good intentions.
Anyway, because of that list, I was able to turn in the maximum number of response forms per day for the entire summer. I gave the rest to some teammates. Not that they said thank you, but "you're welcome".
Sometimes, things work out for me that way =)
I'm Dr Hak, and I'm a lucky son-of-a-gun - BANG! BANG!
Back to 2010, I am already tired of seeing the commercials, button, advertisements and "awareness" campaigns and everything else they are doing to encourage people to participate.
As far as I'm concerned, they are wasting their time and the taxpayers' hard-earned American money.
For various reasons, certain groups of American residents are wary of filling out anything closely resembling paperwork. Despite all the claims that the Census is NOT going to collect data that will be turned over to "the law", the fact remains that a lot of Black and Brown people just don't fucking believe them.
I'm not going to act surprised at this, because Black people don't fuck with the police. And why should we? Did you see that shit they pulled on Terrence Howard in Crash?!?! I don't know how he didn't snap.
Anyway, illegal immigrants from Mexico, Africa and everywhere in between are NOT going to tell someone with a button and a stack of paper and pre-sharpened pencils a gotdamn thing about how many people
That's too bad.
The Census is America's way of figuring out everything from school funding to political election boundaries. The more people in your area the better. Stand up and be counted!!!
At some point, things may change and poor people trust the Census Bureau, or at least see them as definitely NOT the police.
Until then, I say we get gangster and tie their unemployment/tax refund/welfare checks to responding to the Census. I bet you $15,000 that'd get the folk counted.
And i'm not singling out poor people either. The Census needs to be responded to by EVERYONE, so I say for non-poor people, if you don't respond to the survey you get an AUTOMATIC IRS AUDIT.
All it takes if for people to start losing money or having uncomfortable questions asked to start acting right...
Thoughts? Leave a comment!
Monday, February 8, 2010
What Do You Want Your Son To Be Like?
That is, if you have a son.
What do you want him to know? What should be think about? What kind of advice will you give him to get through life/women/the world?
Leave a Comment!
What do you want him to know? What should be think about? What kind of advice will you give him to get through life/women/the world?
Leave a Comment!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Evils That Men Do
There are good men, there are jerks, and there is something in between. Right now I'm going to talk about things that the jerks and the sometimers do far to often, that makes it harder for good men who WANT to be in relationships to do so. The basic fact is - the bad guys know enough about women through experience to push certain buttons to get what they want, regardless of consequences.
1. Lying To Women Just To Get In Their Pants
Per the title of this blog, you can see I'm not really interested in lies, and I've mentioned my views on half-honesty (lawyer speak) and leaving things out in the past. Guys do that a lot and it makes it hard for the next man up to the plate when the last 3 were blatant jerks. Ladies, learn how to identify this behavior and - if you aren't down with what he wants - keep it moving.
Guys will tell all sorts of lies. They'll pretend to be interested in things (like you), they'll lie about where they live, who they live with, how many kids they have, how much money they make... all sorts of stuff.
How do you deal with this?
You have to wait a guy out. This takes months. If he's full of shit, he'll make a mistake or go away at some point. Contradictions will start to pop up. He'll be semi-available without a good reason (Good reasons - busy career, kids, family obligations, school). If he's really into you, he'll enjoy the process of getting to know you over time, and want to know more.
Now do you see why the 90 day rule isn't effective? Good. Gold star for you.
2. Not Being Upfront About Their Intentions
Similar to #1, but this takes the form of "yeah, I'm looking for a relationship", followed by perhaps actually saying the words "I'm your boyfriend", but he knows he was just trying to smash, and since you told him you wanted to be in a relationship he did what he had to do to make it happen. His other interests are in other cities or won't ever meet you so it really doesn't matter that you are "official". The internet made this harder for a time, but now certain guys just won't use Facebook as not to get caught up. Yesterday I dropped a line in one of those blogs that says "all wives are trophy wives". What I meant is, men like to show their women off. Not only for their looks. It's not a "contest" per se, but if I like my girl because she's gorgeous, smart, and funny, I'm going to bring her around so my boys can say "she's cool".
If you have a fake boyfriend, you'll never really meet his friends. You might "meet" them, but you won't be in position to have real conversations with them definitely.
3. Emotionally Manipulating a Woman
"Don't nobody else want your ass. I don't know who you think is going to treat you as well as I do" says the womanbeating guy who lives off your checks and eats your food. If you get into a situation with a non-freeloader, this is still possible. Men and women both have self-esteem issues. Men tend to deal with theirs around the age of 17. "Yeah I'm short. Yeah I have a fat head. I'll still get this money and chicks will come through". Women seem to carry theirs with them for much longer periods of time, and openly discuss them.
That's why you will often hear a man say he wants a woman who is "comfortable in her own skin". It's very hard to deal with a young lady who constantly bashes herself for physical flaws that he might not even see, or worse, actually likes. ("I like your nose"... "NO YOU DONT ITS HUGE AND I HATE IT AND I HATE YOUUUUUU")
Giving out this information makes a woman accessible to good guys and vulnerable to jerks. Most guys will never go there on you, as its a disgusting thing to do. If you deal with a man who you tell about a big problem and he jokes about you for it more than three times, he might be a jerk. If you have such a hotbutton flaw, the first or second time, he may not realize you REALLY are sensitive about it. So give him a pass and say "you know, that's something I'm not fully comfortable with. I know its a little silly but it makes me feel weird when you bring it up" and he'll shut up about it. Spazz out and start crying... he'll think you're crazy. Ar-tic-u-late.
But if you're at the point in the relationship where you both know its over but he has reasons for not wanting you to go, and he starts saying things he knows will mess with your emotions to keep you from leaving... you're going to need backup
4. Taking a Good Woman for Granted
This one is a little hard because while you may be a good girlfriend/wife/fiancee in the classical sense of the definition, any man will have problems truly being happy if you aren't meeting specific needs. Like... bedroom behavior. If you're only OK with missionary and he's into upside-down-hanging-off-the-ceiling-fan type stuff... u know... that's tough for a man. I can't even recommend compromise. You're probably going to have to learn to enjoy those things he likes to keep him. And vice versa.
With that out of the way...
It's always possible to fall into the trap of taking someone for granted. The grass looks greener on the other side. Her butt is bigger. Her lips are nicer. Etc etc. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about blatantly disregarding the woman you are with who is trying hard to make you happy, because you are pretty sure she's not going anywhere. A lot of women out there think this applies to them at some point in history, and while it MAY, it may not. Trying to make a man happy doesn't mean "trying to make our relationship work" or "trying to make him make me happy" or "trying to do what he likes so he'll do what I like". It means something entirely different. It involves a level of sacrifice and selflessness that I honestly, only see in the women who I know who are already married, engaged, or in a happy long-lasting relationship. Imagine that...
But there are dudes that can get one of these First Round Draft Picks and STILL mess it up. See #7
5. Play Women Against Each Other
This one, may or may not be, depending on the angle, the fault of the women involved. It is possible for a man to get at a woman by pretending to like her homegirl. I only say it could be one of the girls faults if she's one of those girls that is attracted to the all the men her friends bring around. You know what I am talking about. If you're still cool with her for other reasons, stop bringing your dudes around her.
6. Failing to Communicate His Wants/Needs And Holding His Woman Responsible
If a man doesn't really explain to you what he's looking for and what he wants, but then turns around and holds it against you that you aren't providing said services - he's passive aggressive and needs to be told. If he does this consistently, he has some issues with opening up and probably isn't ready for the duties of commitment.
7. Getting Into Something They Know They Are Not Ready For
Sometimes, a man wants to be something he is not, or bends to the pressure of a potential situation and gets into something he is not really suited for. For example, a serious relationship. Reasons he may not be ready include maturity, age, financial situation, family issues, work/career choices and other women.
If you are 30, and you want a man who wants to travel and get married soon, you may not want to FORCE or PRESSURE the 26 year old grad student you just picked up to be your official man right away. If he is hesitant, that doesn't mean he's a ain't shit nigga or doing something else. He might be really into you. But if you go to on an international trip with your friends 4 times a year, and all of them are married and have kids and that's what you want within a year or two tops... He's not going to feel comfortable. It's better that he doesn't enter the situation until he's ready, because men who feel like they aren't giving their woman what she needs/wants often go find someone "easier to please".
Sometimes, a man will do this with a girl he finds to be a "good woman", and so I say the next thing hoping you won't misinterpret it. You cannot give a man everything before he earns it. And that doesn't mean hold out necessarily, but it does mean that a man should prove to you that he's going to be around and is a decent guy before you start treating him like a King. You can and should be nice to him and reciprocate gestures, but don't let him move in unless he's at least your fiancee, don't let him live off of you, and certainly don't MOVE for him when you just met him 3 months ago.
Being generous is a good thing, but you have to apply it to the right guy. If a man has not shown you that he is ready to accept your generosity, you should slow down. Don't hold out on the next good guy you meet because of some past asshole. I know that's nearly impossible without practice, but just keep it in mind.
8. Dating Someone They Aren't Really Into
He's not that into you...but he still goes out with you. Men put women in the "friend zone" too. If a guy likes you, and you don't have a celibacy pact going, he's going to express his physical attraction for you in words and actions.
If you went after him, you're more in danger of this than if it was his idea that you dated. I typically don't have a problem with a woman letting a guy know she's interested, but I always say it has to be done properly. Sometimes subtle is best. Or you can give him a compliment and leave it at that. Straight up asking a guy out (unless you know he's REALLY shy) can get you set up for this sometimes. By indicating some level of interest or intrigue, but still leaving it to him to make the move, you both have an indication of interest. Who wants to date/be with someone that doesn't like them like that? I know I don't.
9. Not Taking Care of their Kids/Responsibilities
I am happy to say that all of my male friends who have children are good dads. Their baby mommas may not like them all the time, or the fact that he won't do what she wants him to do, but they cannot deny that he's a good dad. Some other guys... not so much. If you are going to have sex, you have to understand the potential consequences of pregnancy. If you refuse to understand that, you can act 1000 times surprised if you want to 9 months later, but the baby still needs a father. Own up.
Now, ladies, I'm going to talk about you, even though I wasn't really writing this blog to talk about you. If you have a baby daddy who you aren't in a relationship - it is pretty evil to hold the child for ransom to try to piss off, or get things out of said baby daddy. It's not even possible to do this if he's a deadbeat. So think about what you are doing. You have a man who wants to be part of his child's life, and you are mad that he doesn't want to be with you, so you won't let him, or make him jump through hoops. Be an adult and take him to court to get structured child support payments and visitation established. You should be glad he loves his child, even if he doesn't love you. Someone else out there will. I hope you didn't think that child would make him love YOU more. It doesn't work that way.
The good news for women who meet guys who have a child, or maybe more than one, is that you get to see what he'd be like if you had kids together. And the older you get, the chances that you're going to find your Knight in Shining Armor and he WONT have a kid goes down pretty quickly.
10. Telling Women the Truth
Not always so bad, but it can be done in a manipulative manner, time after time. I'm not talking about half-honesty here. I'm talking about the guy who will tell a woman what he is about upfront and still let her fall for him when he knows that's not in her best interest. Guys know what effect sex has on a woman's feelings. I don't see this one changing that much though. If a man tells you he's married and you STILL let him seduce you... I mean... what's that about? You can't find your own dude? Is the drought that bad? Just let one of your homeboys hit.
Since I don't date men, there's only so much access to information I have. Feel free to add a comment if you have some more. Just keep it clean, and make sure its Real Talk!
***Warning! - Ladies, if you have been scorned by the evils that men do, you may be tempted to send this blog out to the guys you know. Do not. That's a misappropriation of Real Talk, punishable by law. Plus, they will take it as a diss, and they probably are good dudes if you're cool with them. Why piss off potential mates?***
1. Lying To Women Just To Get In Their Pants
Per the title of this blog, you can see I'm not really interested in lies, and I've mentioned my views on half-honesty (lawyer speak) and leaving things out in the past. Guys do that a lot and it makes it hard for the next man up to the plate when the last 3 were blatant jerks. Ladies, learn how to identify this behavior and - if you aren't down with what he wants - keep it moving.
Guys will tell all sorts of lies. They'll pretend to be interested in things (like you), they'll lie about where they live, who they live with, how many kids they have, how much money they make... all sorts of stuff.
How do you deal with this?
You have to wait a guy out. This takes months. If he's full of shit, he'll make a mistake or go away at some point. Contradictions will start to pop up. He'll be semi-available without a good reason (Good reasons - busy career, kids, family obligations, school). If he's really into you, he'll enjoy the process of getting to know you over time, and want to know more.
Now do you see why the 90 day rule isn't effective? Good. Gold star for you.
2. Not Being Upfront About Their Intentions
Similar to #1, but this takes the form of "yeah, I'm looking for a relationship", followed by perhaps actually saying the words "I'm your boyfriend", but he knows he was just trying to smash, and since you told him you wanted to be in a relationship he did what he had to do to make it happen. His other interests are in other cities or won't ever meet you so it really doesn't matter that you are "official". The internet made this harder for a time, but now certain guys just won't use Facebook as not to get caught up. Yesterday I dropped a line in one of those blogs that says "all wives are trophy wives". What I meant is, men like to show their women off. Not only for their looks. It's not a "contest" per se, but if I like my girl because she's gorgeous, smart, and funny, I'm going to bring her around so my boys can say "she's cool".
If you have a fake boyfriend, you'll never really meet his friends. You might "meet" them, but you won't be in position to have real conversations with them definitely.
3. Emotionally Manipulating a Woman
"Don't nobody else want your ass. I don't know who you think is going to treat you as well as I do" says the womanbeating guy who lives off your checks and eats your food. If you get into a situation with a non-freeloader, this is still possible. Men and women both have self-esteem issues. Men tend to deal with theirs around the age of 17. "Yeah I'm short. Yeah I have a fat head. I'll still get this money and chicks will come through". Women seem to carry theirs with them for much longer periods of time, and openly discuss them.
That's why you will often hear a man say he wants a woman who is "comfortable in her own skin". It's very hard to deal with a young lady who constantly bashes herself for physical flaws that he might not even see, or worse, actually likes. ("I like your nose"... "NO YOU DONT ITS HUGE AND I HATE IT AND I HATE YOUUUUUU")
Giving out this information makes a woman accessible to good guys and vulnerable to jerks. Most guys will never go there on you, as its a disgusting thing to do. If you deal with a man who you tell about a big problem and he jokes about you for it more than three times, he might be a jerk. If you have such a hotbutton flaw, the first or second time, he may not realize you REALLY are sensitive about it. So give him a pass and say "you know, that's something I'm not fully comfortable with. I know its a little silly but it makes me feel weird when you bring it up" and he'll shut up about it. Spazz out and start crying... he'll think you're crazy. Ar-tic-u-late.
But if you're at the point in the relationship where you both know its over but he has reasons for not wanting you to go, and he starts saying things he knows will mess with your emotions to keep you from leaving... you're going to need backup
4. Taking a Good Woman for Granted
This one is a little hard because while you may be a good girlfriend/wife/fiancee in the classical sense of the definition, any man will have problems truly being happy if you aren't meeting specific needs. Like... bedroom behavior. If you're only OK with missionary and he's into upside-down-hanging-off-the-ceiling-fan type stuff... u know... that's tough for a man. I can't even recommend compromise. You're probably going to have to learn to enjoy those things he likes to keep him. And vice versa.
With that out of the way...
It's always possible to fall into the trap of taking someone for granted. The grass looks greener on the other side. Her butt is bigger. Her lips are nicer. Etc etc. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about blatantly disregarding the woman you are with who is trying hard to make you happy, because you are pretty sure she's not going anywhere. A lot of women out there think this applies to them at some point in history, and while it MAY, it may not. Trying to make a man happy doesn't mean "trying to make our relationship work" or "trying to make him make me happy" or "trying to do what he likes so he'll do what I like". It means something entirely different. It involves a level of sacrifice and selflessness that I honestly, only see in the women who I know who are already married, engaged, or in a happy long-lasting relationship. Imagine that...
But there are dudes that can get one of these First Round Draft Picks and STILL mess it up. See #7
5. Play Women Against Each Other
This one, may or may not be, depending on the angle, the fault of the women involved. It is possible for a man to get at a woman by pretending to like her homegirl. I only say it could be one of the girls faults if she's one of those girls that is attracted to the all the men her friends bring around. You know what I am talking about. If you're still cool with her for other reasons, stop bringing your dudes around her.
6. Failing to Communicate His Wants/Needs And Holding His Woman Responsible
If a man doesn't really explain to you what he's looking for and what he wants, but then turns around and holds it against you that you aren't providing said services - he's passive aggressive and needs to be told. If he does this consistently, he has some issues with opening up and probably isn't ready for the duties of commitment.
7. Getting Into Something They Know They Are Not Ready For
Sometimes, a man wants to be something he is not, or bends to the pressure of a potential situation and gets into something he is not really suited for. For example, a serious relationship. Reasons he may not be ready include maturity, age, financial situation, family issues, work/career choices and other women.
If you are 30, and you want a man who wants to travel and get married soon, you may not want to FORCE or PRESSURE the 26 year old grad student you just picked up to be your official man right away. If he is hesitant, that doesn't mean he's a ain't shit nigga or doing something else. He might be really into you. But if you go to on an international trip with your friends 4 times a year, and all of them are married and have kids and that's what you want within a year or two tops... He's not going to feel comfortable. It's better that he doesn't enter the situation until he's ready, because men who feel like they aren't giving their woman what she needs/wants often go find someone "easier to please".
Sometimes, a man will do this with a girl he finds to be a "good woman", and so I say the next thing hoping you won't misinterpret it. You cannot give a man everything before he earns it. And that doesn't mean hold out necessarily, but it does mean that a man should prove to you that he's going to be around and is a decent guy before you start treating him like a King. You can and should be nice to him and reciprocate gestures, but don't let him move in unless he's at least your fiancee, don't let him live off of you, and certainly don't MOVE for him when you just met him 3 months ago.
Being generous is a good thing, but you have to apply it to the right guy. If a man has not shown you that he is ready to accept your generosity, you should slow down. Don't hold out on the next good guy you meet because of some past asshole. I know that's nearly impossible without practice, but just keep it in mind.
8. Dating Someone They Aren't Really Into
He's not that into you...but he still goes out with you. Men put women in the "friend zone" too. If a guy likes you, and you don't have a celibacy pact going, he's going to express his physical attraction for you in words and actions.
If you went after him, you're more in danger of this than if it was his idea that you dated. I typically don't have a problem with a woman letting a guy know she's interested, but I always say it has to be done properly. Sometimes subtle is best. Or you can give him a compliment and leave it at that. Straight up asking a guy out (unless you know he's REALLY shy) can get you set up for this sometimes. By indicating some level of interest or intrigue, but still leaving it to him to make the move, you both have an indication of interest. Who wants to date/be with someone that doesn't like them like that? I know I don't.
9. Not Taking Care of their Kids/Responsibilities
I am happy to say that all of my male friends who have children are good dads. Their baby mommas may not like them all the time, or the fact that he won't do what she wants him to do, but they cannot deny that he's a good dad. Some other guys... not so much. If you are going to have sex, you have to understand the potential consequences of pregnancy. If you refuse to understand that, you can act 1000 times surprised if you want to 9 months later, but the baby still needs a father. Own up.
Now, ladies, I'm going to talk about you, even though I wasn't really writing this blog to talk about you. If you have a baby daddy who you aren't in a relationship - it is pretty evil to hold the child for ransom to try to piss off, or get things out of said baby daddy. It's not even possible to do this if he's a deadbeat. So think about what you are doing. You have a man who wants to be part of his child's life, and you are mad that he doesn't want to be with you, so you won't let him, or make him jump through hoops. Be an adult and take him to court to get structured child support payments and visitation established. You should be glad he loves his child, even if he doesn't love you. Someone else out there will. I hope you didn't think that child would make him love YOU more. It doesn't work that way.
The good news for women who meet guys who have a child, or maybe more than one, is that you get to see what he'd be like if you had kids together. And the older you get, the chances that you're going to find your Knight in Shining Armor and he WONT have a kid goes down pretty quickly.
10. Telling Women the Truth
Not always so bad, but it can be done in a manipulative manner, time after time. I'm not talking about half-honesty here. I'm talking about the guy who will tell a woman what he is about upfront and still let her fall for him when he knows that's not in her best interest. Guys know what effect sex has on a woman's feelings. I don't see this one changing that much though. If a man tells you he's married and you STILL let him seduce you... I mean... what's that about? You can't find your own dude? Is the drought that bad? Just let one of your homeboys hit.
Since I don't date men, there's only so much access to information I have. Feel free to add a comment if you have some more. Just keep it clean, and make sure its Real Talk!
***Warning! - Ladies, if you have been scorned by the evils that men do, you may be tempted to send this blog out to the guys you know. Do not. That's a misappropriation of Real Talk, punishable by law. Plus, they will take it as a diss, and they probably are good dudes if you're cool with them. Why piss off potential mates?***
Turn Your Swag On
There's absolutely nothing wrong with believing in yourself. It's perfectly fine to say something positive about yourself, your ability, your skills, etc... I feel like I have to remind you of that, because one of the weirder phenomenons/aspects of our society is the need to "humble" other people, and the semi-requirement that people humble themselves or face critique.
Why? Well for one, the powers that be want to keep the masses where they are so they can remain rich and powerful - but I'll save the conspiracy therorizing for someone else. There is a lot of slavery baggage in the Black community and for other races/nationalities/religious groups - at some point there was oppression and prejudice pushed upon them. Some of the nastier, more self-defeatous resulting behaviors include the need to keep our heads down and avoid gaining attention of authority figures. That leads into a distaste for people who do not follow that rule.
I suppose at some point, wanting someone to shut up so nobody gets whipped/shot/executed/stoned makes a LOT of sense, but its notalways like that anymore. Quite the contrary, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Most of the uber-successful people in this world had to draw some attention to themselves to do it. In fact, in our ridiculous increasingly celebrity-centered culture here in America - forget to market yourself at your own peril.
But we're not talking about Kanye and Lady Gaga - though I will use them to illustrate a big issue in confidence talk.
Kanye West is a self-centered genius who needs attention to feel validated.
Lady Gaga does and wears outlandish attention getting things to get you talking about her.
Those are totally different.
Just like confidence and arrogance are totally different.
It's ok to say good things about yourself, so long as you don't put others down at the same time, or make some kind of grandstand just to look good (at the expense of others).
A good friend of mine, who's on his shit, once changed his Myspace name to include "The Great" after his name. He got hate mail from random ninjas talking about "what makes you so great?" Who does that?
If you are feeling like you need to tear down other people who know their strengths, you need to kill yourself. Let's say I were to tell you right here, right now, that Dr Hak is the shit, has always been the shit and always will be.. the shit. Does that make you feel some kind of way about me? It shouldn't. And it won't unless you have issues with yourself.
Perhaps your inclination is to say "chump you ain't Perfect". Again... I didn't say that. Me saying I'm the shit is not the same as "Dr Hak is the Shit and I am better than all of you". I also didn't say "Dr Hak is the shit, no one has ever helped me get this point in my life, its all been me me me me me and I dont and never will need help at anything at all, unlike you losers".
If you learn how to turn off your inner hater, you won't even have that itch to respond. That itch is a bad thing, and more importantly than your reaction to me, The Great, or anyone else who happens to be willing to say positive things about themselves outloud - is the effect it has on you. By spending energy - ANY energy at all - on what other people say and think about themselves, you simultaneously hold yourself back.
Friends. Often the worst offenders are your friends and family.
And he said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor."
I wonder how many times the man who said that quote was told he was "arrogant" for claiming to be the Son of God. Your friends should not be crabs in a barrel. You odn't need friends to "check" you for feeling good about yourself. Check you for WILDING, or making dumb decisions, yes. But for feeling on top of the world - no. That's not even a friendship. Joke battles are different. Anything goes (save personal attacks and intentionally bringing up sore subjects) in a good joke battle.
So What's My Point?
It's time for you to start believing in yourself. Don't worry about those who say or whom you would expect to say "she ain't all that" or "that dude is whack. I remember him from high school." They will always be there, right in the same place you left them. Just make sure you aren't one of them.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about yourself, that's fine. Just don't talk NEGATIVELY about yourself all the time. Don't focus on your faults and flaws and the things you wished were different. Allow yourself to be who you are, and be good at what you are good at. You have a lot to offer to the world and it'd be easier if you weren't caught up on your negatives. If you have the ability to change some of the things, get on your horse and ride out. Make it happen. What are you waiting for?
Stop hating and get money.
Why? Well for one, the powers that be want to keep the masses where they are so they can remain rich and powerful - but I'll save the conspiracy therorizing for someone else. There is a lot of slavery baggage in the Black community and for other races/nationalities/religious groups - at some point there was oppression and prejudice pushed upon them. Some of the nastier, more self-defeatous resulting behaviors include the need to keep our heads down and avoid gaining attention of authority figures. That leads into a distaste for people who do not follow that rule.
I suppose at some point, wanting someone to shut up so nobody gets whipped/shot/executed/stoned makes a LOT of sense, but its not
But we're not talking about Kanye and Lady Gaga - though I will use them to illustrate a big issue in confidence talk.
Kanye West is a self-centered genius who needs attention to feel validated.
Lady Gaga does and wears outlandish attention getting things to get you talking about her.
Those are totally different.
Just like confidence and arrogance are totally different.
It's ok to say good things about yourself, so long as you don't put others down at the same time, or make some kind of grandstand just to look good (at the expense of others).
A good friend of mine, who's on his shit, once changed his Myspace name to include "The Great" after his name. He got hate mail from random ninjas talking about "what makes you so great?" Who does that?
If you are feeling like you need to tear down other people who know their strengths, you need to kill yourself. Let's say I were to tell you right here, right now, that Dr Hak is the shit, has always been the shit and always will be.. the shit. Does that make you feel some kind of way about me? It shouldn't. And it won't unless you have issues with yourself.
Perhaps your inclination is to say "chump you ain't Perfect". Again... I didn't say that. Me saying I'm the shit is not the same as "Dr Hak is the Shit and I am better than all of you". I also didn't say "Dr Hak is the shit, no one has ever helped me get this point in my life, its all been me me me me me and I dont and never will need help at anything at all, unlike you losers".
If you learn how to turn off your inner hater, you won't even have that itch to respond. That itch is a bad thing, and more importantly than your reaction to me, The Great, or anyone else who happens to be willing to say positive things about themselves outloud - is the effect it has on you. By spending energy - ANY energy at all - on what other people say and think about themselves, you simultaneously hold yourself back.
Friends. Often the worst offenders are your friends and family.
And he said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor."
I wonder how many times the man who said that quote was told he was "arrogant" for claiming to be the Son of God. Your friends should not be crabs in a barrel. You odn't need friends to "check" you for feeling good about yourself. Check you for WILDING, or making dumb decisions, yes. But for feeling on top of the world - no. That's not even a friendship. Joke battles are different. Anything goes (save personal attacks and intentionally bringing up sore subjects) in a good joke battle.
So What's My Point?
It's time for you to start believing in yourself. Don't worry about those who say or whom you would expect to say "she ain't all that" or "that dude is whack. I remember him from high school." They will always be there, right in the same place you left them. Just make sure you aren't one of them.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about yourself, that's fine. Just don't talk NEGATIVELY about yourself all the time. Don't focus on your faults and flaws and the things you wished were different. Allow yourself to be who you are, and be good at what you are good at. You have a lot to offer to the world and it'd be easier if you weren't caught up on your negatives. If you have the ability to change some of the things, get on your horse and ride out. Make it happen. What are you waiting for?
Stop hating and get money.
Look Dude, Do Yourself a Favor and Jerk Off First
What? You don't like wild blog titles? LOL... I actually mean it.
I'm talking to the dudes out there. My main man, Dedan Tolbert (buy his book) just had a Facebook status up
"Fellas, temptation can be a powerful thing and stepping out on your lady might seem like a good idea in the moment but consider the ramifications of your actions. When a woman's fed up, there's nothing you can do about it...If you ever get her back, it will never be the same".
I thought about it for a second, and my response was "Some of these dudes need to jerk off before making decisions". I know that's funny, but I'm dead serious.
The ability of a male to exert self-control when it comes to his dealings with women is paramount to his classification as a "man" instead of a "boy". Boys are driven by their hormones. Men harness them. It's not a fool-proof proposition, we make mistakes. Usually, the need to procreate is causing certain behaviors and certain actions. They say men think about sex every 8 seconds. That's not on purpose, that's genetic programming.
For us advanced masters of the Jedi way, it can be turned off - well... the snooze button can be hit. Something like that. Perhaps a cool beverage or watching the game will help take your mind off the temptations of the flesh. Getting money or trying to always does. But some of these dudes... they just can't help themselves. They have to get that new pussy NOW. They have to get at some other chicks even if their lady is doing everything he asks. They can't turn down ass that chases them. And more often than not, this causes drama in their lives. A LOT OF DRAMA.
So to them I say - dude, next time you think you NEED to get at a chick, before you make a decision, just jerk off first. Then see how you feel. I guarantee you it'll be different 80% of the time. You'll save money and time. And you won't have to hear so much yapping.
The only real time a man isn't genetically obligated to do something that will lead towards procreation is right after sex. Sometimes, thats the best part. The freedom to not care. The temporary clarity of mind is very relaxing. And in that moment, and that moment only, can a man really know how he feels about a woman. You look over at her, knocked out and drooling on your pillow, and you think "damn she needs to get the heck out of my house" or "she's awesome. I'm just saving you a step
I'm talking to the dudes out there. My main man, Dedan Tolbert (buy his book) just had a Facebook status up
"Fellas, temptation can be a powerful thing and stepping out on your lady might seem like a good idea in the moment but consider the ramifications of your actions. When a woman's fed up, there's nothing you can do about it...If you ever get her back, it will never be the same".
I thought about it for a second, and my response was "Some of these dudes need to jerk off before making decisions". I know that's funny, but I'm dead serious.
The ability of a male to exert self-control when it comes to his dealings with women is paramount to his classification as a "man" instead of a "boy". Boys are driven by their hormones. Men harness them. It's not a fool-proof proposition, we make mistakes. Usually, the need to procreate is causing certain behaviors and certain actions. They say men think about sex every 8 seconds. That's not on purpose, that's genetic programming.
For us advanced masters of the Jedi way, it can be turned off - well... the snooze button can be hit. Something like that. Perhaps a cool beverage or watching the game will help take your mind off the temptations of the flesh. Getting money or trying to always does. But some of these dudes... they just can't help themselves. They have to get that new pussy NOW. They have to get at some other chicks even if their lady is doing everything he asks. They can't turn down ass that chases them. And more often than not, this causes drama in their lives. A LOT OF DRAMA.
So to them I say - dude, next time you think you NEED to get at a chick, before you make a decision, just jerk off first. Then see how you feel. I guarantee you it'll be different 80% of the time. You'll save money and time. And you won't have to hear so much yapping.
The only real time a man isn't genetically obligated to do something that will lead towards procreation is right after sex. Sometimes, thats the best part. The freedom to not care. The temporary clarity of mind is very relaxing. And in that moment, and that moment only, can a man really know how he feels about a woman. You look over at her, knocked out and drooling on your pillow, and you think "damn she needs to get the heck out of my house" or "she's awesome. I'm just saving you a step
Friday, February 5, 2010
Reasons You Are a Single Lady This Valentine's Day
No one's perfect. Not Barack Obama, not Michelle Obama, not Hulk Hogan, Martin Luther King Jr, Micheal Eric Dyson, and damn sure not Dr. Hak. But that doesn't mean we don't have things we can learn from these imperfect individuals. So, prepare to listen... or be mad if you are into yourself like that.
Nothing on this list may apply to you at all. In that case, congratulations, you're a FANTASTIC CATCH, along the lines of a "First Round Draft Pick" or 5-Star Chick, and it's just a matter of time before Mr. Wonderful pops the question.
Also, nothing on this list is permanent. These are all things that you can work to improve...if you REALLY want to win. Let's win, shall we? Hey in fact, if you want to write a list of reasons we strong black men can't find a good woman... oh wait, the Nightline numbers are in our favor... it's Raining DIMES!!! We can take our pick of whoever we want!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
LOL & SMH @ Dr Hak. I'm sorry, I was just having some fun there... That's not exactly true. The "It's Hard Out Here for a Good Black Man Too" blog isn't ready yet. Or necessary. Too many seemingly acceptable chicks is crazy - there you go. Blog over.
Ladies,
The following is a list of reasons you might be single. And by single, I mean unmarried and also not in a relationship you are happy with. If you have a man and hate him/aren't feeling him, you're probably doing "single girl" stuff, so we're counting you too. It is not meant to be comprehensive list, and I'll add to these 40 later.
One More Thing - I ONLY wrote this list because I'm trying to help, Real Talk. Help me help you!
On to the list...
1. You are not a nice person
2. You refuse to accept responsibility for your actions
3. You're visually unattractive (sloppy and/or visually challenged) and refuse to do anything about it.
4. You don't know how to smile
5. You treat men like they're bothering you
6. You make men jump through hoops just to get the time of day
7. You use men for what they do for you, far after you decide they aren't what you want
8. You stick around with the wrong guy until you find someone else (upgrading not allowed)
9. You's a bitch (for NO reason)
10. You're a jerk (different from the above, but often confused)
11. You refuse to do things for men
12. You're selfish
13. You don't smell good
14. Your hygiene is bad
15. You refuse to work out
16. You want some man to take you for who you are, but you have a list of shit he'd have to change
17. You don't understand the concept of sacrifice
18. You have a "list"
19. You are a coward and don't keep it real
20. You are a liar and or a hoe
21. You don't have any female friends, hobbies or goals other than getting into a "committed relationship"
22. You give it up too quickly
22b. You are a dicktease and pretend you're going to give it up when you know you're not
23. You make dumb ass decisions early on in a "relationship"
24. You expect a fuckbuddy / friends-with-benefits situation to turn into a full blown relationship
25. You refuse to date men who aren't "fine"
26. You go after only men who make more money than you
27. You don't understand men and don't care to
28. You think a man is supposed to go out of his way for you but you wouldn't give him a drink of water if he was thirsty while repairing your roof.
29. You need to go to therapy to sort out your daddy issues/various baggage
30. You think its OK to spend every day with your man
31. You're on some hater shit
32. You're a groupie
33. You use guilt trips instead of direct communication
34. You're mean
35. You're not actually trying
36. You're too busy trying to out-man a man
37. You treat men like accessories
38. You "compete" with guys
39. You have underdeveloped swag
40. You're not feminine
Let's discuss selected items from the above list.
#3 - I am not suggesting you go get plastic surgery or liposuction. As a matter of fact, unless you used to weigh 200 lbs more than you currently do and need to remove some skin, that's pretty whack. I'm talking about things like - working out, dressing right, finding a hairstyle that works for you, not overdoing your make-up, wearing flattering clothing, etc.
(Your teeth? - If braces or InvisAlign will benefit you, suck your pride up and call your dentist. Like now.)
How will you know if your changes are effective? Compliments. Men are full of shit in the sense that we'll pretty much tell you whatever it takes to GET THE DRAWS, but compliments on certain things, especially from random people, coworkers, and male "platonic" friends, will let you know what you are doing right.
For example - if a man can only cite your shape and your eyes as things he thinks look good about you - you got work to do... or he's some random dude just trying to smash.
Why did I pick #3 to discuss first? Because men are VISUAL beings. You've heard this before. I don't know why you won't like... try. What's with the pride? You want a man or not? Help me help you!
Do you know how many models are butt ass ugly when they take off all their make up? TONS OF THEM. I was surprised when I found this out. But if you can do things to step it up without making it TOO obvious --- do it. Please.
ALSO - if you have a man, or have a man you're thinking about getting at and you know or "overhear" or "ask" him what kind of things he likes to see - make that shit happen. Don't be stingy and make him have to wait to see you in his favorite type of lingerie if he's your man. Like me, I enjoy cornrows. I don't know why. I just do. If I tell you that, and we're dating, and you're in a position to do so, I'd like it to happen 1 or 2 months out of the year. If you can't because of work or whatever, fine, but when we go on vacation together...
As far as the term "sloppy" goes, that can be in general or in the details. If your accessory game ain't tight, go shopping or just stop wearing them altogether. If you have on tight jeans, there's not supposed to be granny panties OR crack peeking out the top. No panty lines, please. Match. Underwear too. All wives are trophy wives. Let that sink in for a minute...
#13 You don't smell good - similar to the first one, but much easier to cure. Take daily showers, and if you're going out later tonight, take a shower before you leave the house. Use proper deodorant. If it's GONE by the time you get off work, buy something stronger.
Now, me personally, I have a ridiculously strong sense of smell. I can smell the rain hours before its even cloudy. Don't ask me how. But that makes this really important to me. There are 2 fragrances, Light Blue (Dolce and Gabana right?) and Pink Sugar (Sephora) that completely disrupt my ability to think logically. It's fucking crazy. Thankfully, I've yet to come across a young lady wearing cornrows with one of these scents going at the same time. That'd be a "situation". *Shivering*
#31 You're on some hater shit - Excuse my language. This one could and should probably be its own blog, so perhaps I won't do too much in this spot, BUT... It is absolutely ridiculous for a woman who is interested in a man (or MEN in general) to hate on the accomplishments of said man/men.
FOR EXAMPLE, sometimes when I go out I get bored. To entertain myself, I like to play this game with one of my boys where I tell women he was in a magazine. The fact that he's now been in magazines only makes it funnier. Its kind of a social experiment more than anything else. You'd be surprised at the quick change in "attention span". It's actually a little disgusting. *Spit*
So anyway, he never sees it coming. I'm the one talking noise. Well one day, we're all out minding our business, and my boy, he's a "lawyer" and another dude of mine are out enjoying the NBA playoffs. We see some girls I know, both also lawyers, and one expresses that her friend has interest in him. Actually, she asked me and the 3rd guy about lawyer guy for her friend via text all night after we left. Well the questions were kinda dumb, and as a man, if you want to know whats up with my boy who was just standing there - just ask him. So she was told to have her girl call him if she was interested.
Silence...
So the next day I see her on facebook chat, and she's going on and on about how unattractive it is that he talks about himself like that and how "we women in the legal field aren't impressed by accomplishments in law". What the fuck???
I spent the next 5 minutes lambasting her stupidity (you don't attack friends of Dr Hak. That's a baaaaaad look) and correcting her lack of facts.
First of all he never said anything about himself, that was me messing around.
2nd of all, why are you hating on his accomplishments.
What have you done?
Why is that necessary?
You and your girl need to get your minds right, etc etc.
She told me it wasn't like that, and then admitted that it wasn't her girl who was interested in magazine lawyer boy, it was HER(!?!?) I thought that type of stuff stopped in high school. How old are you?She's 29. Pause.
This girl gets shot down by dudes all the time, and simultaneously will ask for a hook up then not say a single word when the dude she claims to be interested in shows up at the party. I've offered my assistance for a small fee. I might just do it for free, but she apparently likes being the desperate girl in the room, or likes to complain, because she's loathe to seek out the help she so desperately needs. Its sad... so sad. I mean yeah she's a 5 or a 6, but with some development, some man will see her as an 8. And 8 is enough. Oh you don't like the fact that we put women on grading scales? Tough. It happens. Find out what you are.
Anyway, what's with the hating on the guy who didn't want to hollar at you. Not only that, he just met you. Do you expect men to fall madly in love with you when you first meet them and then if they don't - you hate on them? He didn't even reject her, he was more or less unaware of all of this. WHO DOES THAT?! I can't stop laughing. I have more stories from the vault on that situation but... I'll save them for future comic relief.
#30 You Think It's OK to spend EVERY DAY with your man - You're probably crazy. Please refer to #29.
Nothing on this list may apply to you at all. In that case, congratulations, you're a FANTASTIC CATCH, along the lines of a "First Round Draft Pick" or 5-Star Chick, and it's just a matter of time before Mr. Wonderful pops the question.
Also, nothing on this list is permanent. These are all things that you can work to improve...if you REALLY want to win. Let's win, shall we? Hey in fact, if you want to write a list of reasons we strong black men can't find a good woman... oh wait, the Nightline numbers are in our favor... it's Raining DIMES!!! We can take our pick of whoever we want!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
LOL & SMH @ Dr Hak. I'm sorry, I was just having some fun there... That's not exactly true. The "It's Hard Out Here for a Good Black Man Too" blog isn't ready yet. Or necessary. Too many seemingly acceptable chicks is crazy - there you go. Blog over.
Ladies,
The following is a list of reasons you might be single. And by single, I mean unmarried and also not in a relationship you are happy with. If you have a man and hate him/aren't feeling him, you're probably doing "single girl" stuff, so we're counting you too. It is not meant to be comprehensive list, and I'll add to these 40 later.
One More Thing - I ONLY wrote this list because I'm trying to help, Real Talk. Help me help you!
On to the list...
1. You are not a nice person
2. You refuse to accept responsibility for your actions
3. You're visually unattractive (sloppy and/or visually challenged) and refuse to do anything about it.
4. You don't know how to smile
5. You treat men like they're bothering you
6. You make men jump through hoops just to get the time of day
7. You use men for what they do for you, far after you decide they aren't what you want
8. You stick around with the wrong guy until you find someone else (upgrading not allowed)
9. You's a bitch (for NO reason)
10. You're a jerk (different from the above, but often confused)
11. You refuse to do things for men
12. You're selfish
13. You don't smell good
14. Your hygiene is bad
15. You refuse to work out
16. You want some man to take you for who you are, but you have a list of shit he'd have to change
17. You don't understand the concept of sacrifice
18. You have a "list"
19. You are a coward and don't keep it real
20. You are a liar and or a hoe
21. You don't have any female friends, hobbies or goals other than getting into a "committed relationship"
22. You give it up too quickly
22b. You are a dicktease and pretend you're going to give it up when you know you're not
23. You make dumb ass decisions early on in a "relationship"
24. You expect a fuckbuddy / friends-with-benefits situation to turn into a full blown relationship
25. You refuse to date men who aren't "fine"
26. You go after only men who make more money than you
27. You don't understand men and don't care to
28. You think a man is supposed to go out of his way for you but you wouldn't give him a drink of water if he was thirsty while repairing your roof.
29. You need to go to therapy to sort out your daddy issues/various baggage
30. You think its OK to spend every day with your man
31. You're on some hater shit
32. You're a groupie
33. You use guilt trips instead of direct communication
34. You're mean
35. You're not actually trying
36. You're too busy trying to out-man a man
37. You treat men like accessories
38. You "compete" with guys
39. You have underdeveloped swag
40. You're not feminine
Let's discuss selected items from the above list.
#3 - I am not suggesting you go get plastic surgery or liposuction. As a matter of fact, unless you used to weigh 200 lbs more than you currently do and need to remove some skin, that's pretty whack. I'm talking about things like - working out, dressing right, finding a hairstyle that works for you, not overdoing your make-up, wearing flattering clothing, etc.
(Your teeth? - If braces or InvisAlign will benefit you, suck your pride up and call your dentist. Like now.)
How will you know if your changes are effective? Compliments. Men are full of shit in the sense that we'll pretty much tell you whatever it takes to GET THE DRAWS, but compliments on certain things, especially from random people, coworkers, and male "platonic" friends, will let you know what you are doing right.
For example - if a man can only cite your shape and your eyes as things he thinks look good about you - you got work to do... or he's some random dude just trying to smash.
Why did I pick #3 to discuss first? Because men are VISUAL beings. You've heard this before. I don't know why you won't like... try. What's with the pride? You want a man or not? Help me help you!
Do you know how many models are butt ass ugly when they take off all their make up? TONS OF THEM. I was surprised when I found this out. But if you can do things to step it up without making it TOO obvious --- do it. Please.
ALSO - if you have a man, or have a man you're thinking about getting at and you know or "overhear" or "ask" him what kind of things he likes to see - make that shit happen. Don't be stingy and make him have to wait to see you in his favorite type of lingerie if he's your man. Like me, I enjoy cornrows. I don't know why. I just do. If I tell you that, and we're dating, and you're in a position to do so, I'd like it to happen 1 or 2 months out of the year. If you can't because of work or whatever, fine, but when we go on vacation together...
As far as the term "sloppy" goes, that can be in general or in the details. If your accessory game ain't tight, go shopping or just stop wearing them altogether. If you have on tight jeans, there's not supposed to be granny panties OR crack peeking out the top. No panty lines, please. Match. Underwear too. All wives are trophy wives. Let that sink in for a minute...
#13 You don't smell good - similar to the first one, but much easier to cure. Take daily showers, and if you're going out later tonight, take a shower before you leave the house. Use proper deodorant. If it's GONE by the time you get off work, buy something stronger.
Now, me personally, I have a ridiculously strong sense of smell. I can smell the rain hours before its even cloudy. Don't ask me how. But that makes this really important to me. There are 2 fragrances, Light Blue (Dolce and Gabana right?) and Pink Sugar (Sephora) that completely disrupt my ability to think logically. It's fucking crazy. Thankfully, I've yet to come across a young lady wearing cornrows with one of these scents going at the same time. That'd be a "situation". *Shivering*
#31 You're on some hater shit - Excuse my language. This one could and should probably be its own blog, so perhaps I won't do too much in this spot, BUT... It is absolutely ridiculous for a woman who is interested in a man (or MEN in general) to hate on the accomplishments of said man/men.
FOR EXAMPLE, sometimes when I go out I get bored. To entertain myself, I like to play this game with one of my boys where I tell women he was in a magazine. The fact that he's now been in magazines only makes it funnier. Its kind of a social experiment more than anything else. You'd be surprised at the quick change in "attention span". It's actually a little disgusting. *Spit*
So anyway, he never sees it coming. I'm the one talking noise. Well one day, we're all out minding our business, and my boy, he's a "lawyer" and another dude of mine are out enjoying the NBA playoffs. We see some girls I know, both also lawyers, and one expresses that her friend has interest in him. Actually, she asked me and the 3rd guy about lawyer guy for her friend via text all night after we left. Well the questions were kinda dumb, and as a man, if you want to know whats up with my boy who was just standing there - just ask him. So she was told to have her girl call him if she was interested.
Silence...
So the next day I see her on facebook chat, and she's going on and on about how unattractive it is that he talks about himself like that and how "we women in the legal field aren't impressed by accomplishments in law". What the fuck???
I spent the next 5 minutes lambasting her stupidity (you don't attack friends of Dr Hak. That's a baaaaaad look) and correcting her lack of facts.
First of all he never said anything about himself, that was me messing around.
2nd of all, why are you hating on his accomplishments.
What have you done?
Why is that necessary?
You and your girl need to get your minds right, etc etc.
She told me it wasn't like that, and then admitted that it wasn't her girl who was interested in magazine lawyer boy, it was HER(!?!?) I thought that type of stuff stopped in high school. How old are you?She's 29. Pause.
This girl gets shot down by dudes all the time, and simultaneously will ask for a hook up then not say a single word when the dude she claims to be interested in shows up at the party. I've offered my assistance for a small fee. I might just do it for free, but she apparently likes being the desperate girl in the room, or likes to complain, because she's loathe to seek out the help she so desperately needs. Its sad... so sad. I mean yeah she's a 5 or a 6, but with some development, some man will see her as an 8. And 8 is enough. Oh you don't like the fact that we put women on grading scales? Tough. It happens. Find out what you are.
Anyway, what's with the hating on the guy who didn't want to hollar at you. Not only that, he just met you. Do you expect men to fall madly in love with you when you first meet them and then if they don't - you hate on them? He didn't even reject her, he was more or less unaware of all of this. WHO DOES THAT?! I can't stop laughing. I have more stories from the vault on that situation but... I'll save them for future comic relief.
#30 You Think It's OK to spend EVERY DAY with your man - You're probably crazy. Please refer to #29.
Stop Listening To People that Agree With You
Do you know what a "yes-man" is? It's the person that rich/famous/powerful people keep around because, even if they won't admit it, that individual feeds their ego by always making them feel as if they are the smartest person in the room by agreeing with them.
...also known as a cosigner.
Even for the more common of us, typically there is a yes-man or yes-woman in your life. Your mother doesn't count. She thinks you're the best because she loves you. I'm talking about that friend that never really challenges your thinking.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't particularly want someone around who just tells me I'm the best all the time. It gets old. I've actually had issues dating someone who told me how supercalifragilistic I was three times per hour.
Before I get off track...
Agreeing with someone is OK. Agreeing with someone by default is weird, or politically motivated, or a trap.
Now in the context of the title of this blog, I mean this - you should seek out information from people who challenge you, not just affirm your beliefs.
You know why Fox News is whack-as-fuck but simultaneously very successful?
Because they tell people what they want to hear and that's it. They tell right-wing people things from a far right-wing perspective. So their viewers can watch and say "hell yeah we need to get these Commies out of America! *burp* Bring me some more beer, Laverne!!" - but what do their viewers gain from that other than validation?
Everyone doesn't need to be validated in everything they think. To grow and to learn, you have to be exposed to information you didn't already have and thought patterns you didn't naturally come up with. Only then can you be challenged to think differently from time to time, and learn to understand the perspectives of others.
I hope when you read Real Talk With Dr Hak that you do think I make a lot of sense... OK, that I make at least 51% sense... and occasionally I will say something that will make your feelings validated and that's cool. But I hope the perspective presented to you will not always be something you agree with, and that maybe... just maybe, you'll learn something one of these days.
It that isn't how it happens, and if every time you read this blog you feel like "that's exactly what I was talking about yesterday" - I'd recommend you diversify your reading sources.
It's pretty dangerous to only listen and talk to people who agree with you. What if you're going to do something dangerous or suicidal? If you have a yes-man for a frienf and they agree with you, you're going to end up getting hurt. Cherish your friends who care enough about you to tell you when you're wilding.
...also known as a cosigner.
Even for the more common of us, typically there is a yes-man or yes-woman in your life. Your mother doesn't count. She thinks you're the best because she loves you. I'm talking about that friend that never really challenges your thinking.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't particularly want someone around who just tells me I'm the best all the time. It gets old. I've actually had issues dating someone who told me how supercalifragilistic I was three times per hour.
Before I get off track...
Agreeing with someone is OK. Agreeing with someone by default is weird, or politically motivated, or a trap.
Now in the context of the title of this blog, I mean this - you should seek out information from people who challenge you, not just affirm your beliefs.
You know why Fox News is whack-as-fuck but simultaneously very successful?
Because they tell people what they want to hear and that's it. They tell right-wing people things from a far right-wing perspective. So their viewers can watch and say "hell yeah we need to get these Commies out of America! *burp* Bring me some more beer, Laverne!!" - but what do their viewers gain from that other than validation?
Everyone doesn't need to be validated in everything they think. To grow and to learn, you have to be exposed to information you didn't already have and thought patterns you didn't naturally come up with. Only then can you be challenged to think differently from time to time, and learn to understand the perspectives of others.
I hope when you read Real Talk With Dr Hak that you do think I make a lot of sense... OK, that I make at least 51% sense... and occasionally I will say something that will make your feelings validated and that's cool. But I hope the perspective presented to you will not always be something you agree with, and that maybe... just maybe, you'll learn something one of these days.
It that isn't how it happens, and if every time you read this blog you feel like "that's exactly what I was talking about yesterday" - I'd recommend you diversify your reading sources.
It's pretty dangerous to only listen and talk to people who agree with you. What if you're going to do something dangerous or suicidal? If you have a yes-man for a frienf and they agree with you, you're going to end up getting hurt. Cherish your friends who care enough about you to tell you when you're wilding.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tis the Season for Dating Websites
I've written in the past about my experiences signing up for eharmony.com, match.com, weloveyoudrhak.com, smashachicktonight.com or whatever, but I felt it was a good time to bring it back up since Valentine's Day is on the 10-day countdown now.
Many of you will enjoy February 14th immensely. A few of you will enjoy it just fine, right up until tip-off of the NBA All-Star game. If you're in a sticky date-or-the-game-??? situation on Sunday night, don't worry Dr Hak already took care of that for you with this previous blog entry. You're welcome.
I must admit, Valentine's Day is one of my 3 or 4 favorite days of the year. (July 4th, Cinco De Mayo, Atlanta Classic Day - last Saturday in September, College Football Championship Saturday - the first one in December)
Partially because it's a perfect momentum builder for my birthday on the 24th. Partially because I like to cake and be caked (don't act like you don't)...let me add "by/for a deserving woman"... Partially because it's a weeeeee bit satisfying to see that chick you don't like desperately grasp at straws to avoid not having a date again this year, when she could just get hypnotized and drop the bad attitude and it'd be all good.
There was even this one year in high school where I bought a couple carnations, put them in warm water, and woke up with 50! Well that meant every gal who wanted one got one the next day. My boy even told me at one point he was walking through the hallways trying to figure out where all these flowers were coming from. Safeway, son. $4.
Back to the future...
Some of you will not even sniff the possibility of being a Valentine this year. Some of you dudes are no-Valentine-having-can't-get-a-date-for-shit-ass-bitches. (Inside joke.) Some of you ladies will turn on your inner defense mechanism and say dumb shit out your mouth like "I don't want a Valentine" (...please.) Many people will lie to themselves and the world about how much they enjoy being single. A lot of Andre 3000 will be played on iPods. It's all good. I'm not here to judge you.
As a matter of fact, I know how hard it is to "meet" people these days. Even with all the single folks in major cities, some days it seems impossible to find someone who you are attracted to, and is simultaneously not crazy, unattached, smells good, and "is on your level" who in 3 months doesn't turn out to be a loser/asshole/Chris Brown/slut/Lewinsky/wanna-be-rapper 40 year old/Nightline chick.
These days, there are ways to expand your dating pool. You can go to a speed dating event - which I've never actually been to. ( Anyone have an experience with that they'd like to share with the class? Please do so in the comments. ) You can use the services of a matchmaker. You can ask friends for the hookup. You can go to a bar and pretend you don't know where your friends are and need a ride home.
Or you can join the internet dating community.
I could write a 10-item list of things you should keep in mind if you're thinking about giving it a shot. But I'll leave you with ONE. The REAL TALK...
Let's say its a Tuesday, and Valentine's Day is coming up. You see an ad for match.com online and figure if you get started now, you could have a 2nd date on Sunday or Saturday night and you'd be covered against receiving the scarlett X on your forehead for being all alone.
So you sign up. You fill out all the info. You post pictures of you and your dog, and then you start looking through potential matches. After about 15 or so, you see a nice looking guy/gal, and you dig deeper. Their profile is lame. They have no hobbies or interests. But you thought they were cute. So you're disappointed, but move on. 5 minutes later you see someone just as attractive, and their profile seems like a perfect match. Same level of education. They like to travel, drink wine, write poetry in the sand on the beach. All that mumbo jumbo. Is this possible? Could this be *gasp* THE ONE!??!
Cynically, I'm inclined to just say "NO", but there are internet success stories, therefore, we must have a Real Talk session.
INSERT REAL TALK FROM DR HAK HERE
At this point, you're excited. (For those of you who haven't done the online thing, this excitement feels similar to the excitement you get when someone tells you about a friend they want to hook you up with that SOUNDS great, or the "he was nice" feeling after some guy buys you a drink, talks to you for just long enough to make one good joke and exchange names, then has to get back to the birthday party he came with.)
Just keep one thing in mind...
1) There is a reason they are on this dating site.
Let that sink in for a second. I'll wait...
OK, I'll say it again.
1) There is a REASON they are on this dating site.
What are you trying to say Dr. Hak?
First of all, by "reason", I do not mean "here to find someone". No, I am speaking of cause-and-effect. As in "why is this perfectly attractive, seemingly articulate person who loves all the same movies I love on the internet looking for dates"?
There are good reasons and bad reasons for people to try internet dating.
If you are planning to give it a shot, and if you go through with actually contacting people via email or phone, you owe it to yourself to find out what the reason is BEFORE thinking something is going to pop off. This also means you will need to temper your excitement until you find out.
REAL TALK POINT #2 - I am not talking about the reason they GIVE you if you were to ask them directly, (though for some overtalkative people that might actually work) I'm talking about the reason that takes a little more observation and digging to find out.
For example
Q: So, what's a fantastic woman like yourself doing on drhakistoomuchmanforme.com?
A: Well, I haven't really found the one yet.
Flag!
What does that shit mean? That's a given. If you have to start asking multiple questions to get basic info, that means someone is hiding something.
Something like - I have 4 kids and 4 baby daddies. I'm dramatic. I'm psycho. I'm 400 pounds and that picture I have up is really my cousin... You know, basic stuff.
A GOOD reason that you can relax a little bit with would include
1. I moved here less than 6 months ago
2. I just got out of a long term relationship (not a "GOOD" reason per se, but one that keeps them from being immediately labeled "crazy". Unless the breakup was because they are crazy)
3. My friend - someone they actually know - met someone on here and got married
4. I have a job that demands I work from 7am to 2am. (this one is a bit of a stretch, but like #2 can be ok)
5. I'm unattractive visually but have a good personality
6. Live in a city where people I want to date are scarce, i.e. want to date Black Men and live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
If you can think of any other "good" reasons, put it in the comments.
Why did I feel it necessary to discount "I just haven't found anyone yet" as a good reason? While it may be and is true for a lot of people, those same people, if attractive to - you are attractive to other members of your gender as well. (See: Dr Hak's Theory of Relativity)
Said better - ain't no damn DIMES on match.com playboy. She may be a visual 10, but something is wrong. Because if a woman is THAT fine, you know she gets 15 offers a day for dates, cars, clothes, anything she wants. Even NON-fine women get these offers on a daily basis. (Are you a woman who is not getting hollared at regularly? Sign up for Dr Hak's Consulting Service, and get the swag you need to succeed!!!)
So just think about it. There is a sliver of hope, that you, being a normal(ish), sane human being and just wanting to give yourself some more opportunities will find someone doing the same. But umm... odds are you won't find them on match. Hell you might as well try myspace. At least its free.
Many of you will enjoy February 14th immensely. A few of you will enjoy it just fine, right up until tip-off of the NBA All-Star game. If you're in a sticky date-or-the-game-??? situation on Sunday night, don't worry Dr Hak already took care of that for you with this previous blog entry. You're welcome.
I must admit, Valentine's Day is one of my 3 or 4 favorite days of the year. (July 4th, Cinco De Mayo, Atlanta Classic Day - last Saturday in September, College Football Championship Saturday - the first one in December)
Partially because it's a perfect momentum builder for my birthday on the 24th. Partially because I like to cake and be caked (don't act like you don't)...let me add "by/for a deserving woman"... Partially because it's a weeeeee bit satisfying to see that chick you don't like desperately grasp at straws to avoid not having a date again this year, when she could just get hypnotized and drop the bad attitude and it'd be all good.
There was even this one year in high school where I bought a couple carnations, put them in warm water, and woke up with 50! Well that meant every gal who wanted one got one the next day. My boy even told me at one point he was walking through the hallways trying to figure out where all these flowers were coming from. Safeway, son. $4.
Back to the future...
Some of you will not even sniff the possibility of being a Valentine this year. Some of you dudes are no-Valentine-having-can't-get-a-date-for-shit-ass-bitches. (Inside joke.) Some of you ladies will turn on your inner defense mechanism and say dumb shit out your mouth like "I don't want a Valentine" (...please.) Many people will lie to themselves and the world about how much they enjoy being single. A lot of Andre 3000 will be played on iPods. It's all good. I'm not here to judge you.
As a matter of fact, I know how hard it is to "meet" people these days. Even with all the single folks in major cities, some days it seems impossible to find someone who you are attracted to, and is simultaneously not crazy, unattached, smells good, and "is on your level" who in 3 months doesn't turn out to be a loser/asshole/Chris Brown/slut/Lewinsky/wanna-be-rapper 40 year old/Nightline chick.
These days, there are ways to expand your dating pool. You can go to a speed dating event - which I've never actually been to. ( Anyone have an experience with that they'd like to share with the class? Please do so in the comments. ) You can use the services of a matchmaker. You can ask friends for the hookup. You can go to a bar and pretend you don't know where your friends are and need a ride home.
Or you can join the internet dating community.
I could write a 10-item list of things you should keep in mind if you're thinking about giving it a shot. But I'll leave you with ONE. The REAL TALK...
Let's say its a Tuesday, and Valentine's Day is coming up. You see an ad for match.com online and figure if you get started now, you could have a 2nd date on Sunday or Saturday night and you'd be covered against receiving the scarlett X on your forehead for being all alone.
So you sign up. You fill out all the info. You post pictures of you and your dog, and then you start looking through potential matches. After about 15 or so, you see a nice looking guy/gal, and you dig deeper. Their profile is lame. They have no hobbies or interests. But you thought they were cute. So you're disappointed, but move on. 5 minutes later you see someone just as attractive, and their profile seems like a perfect match. Same level of education. They like to travel, drink wine, write poetry in the sand on the beach. All that mumbo jumbo. Is this possible? Could this be *gasp* THE ONE!??!
Cynically, I'm inclined to just say "NO", but there are internet success stories, therefore, we must have a Real Talk session.
INSERT REAL TALK FROM DR HAK HERE
At this point, you're excited. (For those of you who haven't done the online thing, this excitement feels similar to the excitement you get when someone tells you about a friend they want to hook you up with that SOUNDS great, or the "he was nice" feeling after some guy buys you a drink, talks to you for just long enough to make one good joke and exchange names, then has to get back to the birthday party he came with.)
Just keep one thing in mind...
1) There is a reason they are on this dating site.
Let that sink in for a second. I'll wait...
OK, I'll say it again.
1) There is a REASON they are on this dating site.
What are you trying to say Dr. Hak?
First of all, by "reason", I do not mean "here to find someone". No, I am speaking of cause-and-effect. As in "why is this perfectly attractive, seemingly articulate person who loves all the same movies I love on the internet looking for dates"?
There are good reasons and bad reasons for people to try internet dating.
If you are planning to give it a shot, and if you go through with actually contacting people via email or phone, you owe it to yourself to find out what the reason is BEFORE thinking something is going to pop off. This also means you will need to temper your excitement until you find out.
REAL TALK POINT #2 - I am not talking about the reason they GIVE you if you were to ask them directly, (though for some overtalkative people that might actually work) I'm talking about the reason that takes a little more observation and digging to find out.
For example
Q: So, what's a fantastic woman like yourself doing on drhakistoomuchmanforme.com?
A: Well, I haven't really found the one yet.
Flag!
What does that shit mean? That's a given. If you have to start asking multiple questions to get basic info, that means someone is hiding something.
Something like - I have 4 kids and 4 baby daddies. I'm dramatic. I'm psycho. I'm 400 pounds and that picture I have up is really my cousin... You know, basic stuff.
A GOOD reason that you can relax a little bit with would include
1. I moved here less than 6 months ago
2. I just got out of a long term relationship (not a "GOOD" reason per se, but one that keeps them from being immediately labeled "crazy". Unless the breakup was because they are crazy)
3. My friend - someone they actually know - met someone on here and got married
4. I have a job that demands I work from 7am to 2am. (this one is a bit of a stretch, but like #2 can be ok)
5. I'm unattractive visually but have a good personality
6. Live in a city where people I want to date are scarce, i.e. want to date Black Men and live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
If you can think of any other "good" reasons, put it in the comments.
Why did I feel it necessary to discount "I just haven't found anyone yet" as a good reason? While it may be and is true for a lot of people, those same people, if attractive to - you are attractive to other members of your gender as well. (See: Dr Hak's Theory of Relativity)
Said better - ain't no damn DIMES on match.com playboy. She may be a visual 10, but something is wrong. Because if a woman is THAT fine, you know she gets 15 offers a day for dates, cars, clothes, anything she wants. Even NON-fine women get these offers on a daily basis. (Are you a woman who is not getting hollared at regularly? Sign up for Dr Hak's Consulting Service, and get the swag you need to succeed!!!)
So just think about it. There is a sliver of hope, that you, being a normal(ish), sane human being and just wanting to give yourself some more opportunities will find someone doing the same. But umm... odds are you won't find them on match. Hell you might as well try myspace. At least its free.
Food for Thought
I didn't write this, but it's good information...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Food – The Best and Worst Medicine for Stress
It has been proved that the major health disorder in the United States in stress. A balanced nutritious food and simple deep breathing exercises are the simplest methods for stress relief. This article discusses the following aspects:
* How can food tackle stress?
* How tea, coffee, etc affects a person who is having stress?
* Can chocolates help in stress reduction?
Researches show that stress is the most common health disorder in the United States. There are various options available for the relief of stress. A balanced nutritious food and simple deep breathing exercises are the simplest methods for stress relief. They are cost effective, easily available and are without side effects. Food that reduces stress acts mainly by their vitamins and mineral contents.
Food and Stress Relief
The changes associated with stress are
* Increase in the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol
* Increase in blood sugar and cholesterol
* Increase in the heart rate and blood pressure
* Increase in the respiration
* Accumulation of toxins like carbon dioxide and lactates
* Emotional changes due to alteration in the brain chemistry
* Gastro intestinal disorders like irritable bowel syndrome
* Suppression of immunity
The principle of stress management programs is to reverse all these changes. Among these changes the levels of the already increased hormones cannot be brought down. The stimulus which increases their production can be controlled. All the other changes can be reversed using various stress relief options. One of the simplest options is the dietary changes.
The role of food items in the stress management programs are discussed under the following headings
* Food items that reduces stress which should be included
* Foods items that aggravates stress which should be avoid
Food Items to be Avoided
Food items which aggravate the signs and symptoms are to be avoided. These include
* Excess tea, coffee, cocoa
* Junk foods and fast foods
* Egg yolks
* Butter, cheese, shrimps and meat
* Coconut oil
* Cashews almonds and other nuts
* Beverages including soda, chocolate drinks and soft drinks.
* Sugar
* Alcohol
Excess tea, coffee, cocoa including chocolate drinks contain neuro stimulators like, caffeine and Theo bromine. Though these substances refresh a tired person, it is better to avoid excess stress. In stress the patients will be already anxious and further stimulation results in aggravation of anxiety and worsen sleeplessness. Moreover tea and coffee worsens peptic ulcer associated with stress. But the controversy is that chocolates contain more of magnesium which helps in calming down an agitated person during stress.
Egg yolks contain high percentage of cholesterol and should be avoided in stress which itself increase the cholesterol levels. Butter, cheese, coconut oil cashews, almonds and meat are to be avoided for similar reasons.
Junk foods and fast foods are highly delicious food items are not balanced diets. They contain protein, fats and carbohydrates in inappropriate proportions and moreover they don't contain the essential vitamins and minerals. Stress needs more of energy, vitamins and minerals also but in a balanced proportion.
Beverages including soda and soft drinks contain 'empty calories' which are useless and they also don't contain vitamins and minerals. In stress there is accumulation of carbon dioxide and lactates resulting in a condition called acidosis which is detrimental to health. The high content of carbon dioxide in beverages aggravates it. Sodium benzoate is also more in beverages which should be avoided in hypertension associated with stress. Sugar should be avoided in stress as the person will be already having increased blood glucose levels with a higher risk of getting diabetes.
Alcohol destabilizes mind and is not ideal during stress.
Food Items to be Included
Researches show that vitamins like B complex, C and E along with minerals like manganese, selenium and zinc are helpful in relieving stress. The food items rich in these substances should be included. It is better to include plant sources of these essential nutrients as animal sources as discussed above contain other nutrients which are harmful.
The food items beneficial are
* Fresh vegetables mainly green, yellow, orange and leafy vegetables
* Fresh fruits
* Soups
* Yoghurts
* Fish
* Sprouted grams
* Skimmed milk
* Herbal products
Fresh vegetables, fruits provide all vitamins and minerals. Green, yellow, orange vegetables like tomatoes, carrots are rich in vitamins for stress and minerals. Vegetables also contain more fiber content which is helpful in treating constipation and the loose stools associated Irritable bowel syndrome which is one of the long term effects of stress.
Yoghurts provide minerals including calcium essential for proper nerve impulses and lacto bacillus which is essential for maintaining gut flora. More over yoghurt neutralizes the acidity of peptic ulcer aggravated by stress.
Skimmed milk contains less than 3% fat which is appropriate during stress. Milk also contains tryptophan which is essential for the synthesis of 5HTP or serotonin which is a mood stabilizer which helps in pacifying an anxious stressed person.
Sprouted grams provide all nutrients in a balanced and very importantly in an easily digestible and absorbable way. One should remember that stress affects digestion.
Fishes like Mackerel and Tuna contain more of Omega fatty acids which protect heart, from heart diseases which are precipitated by stress. Moreover fish also contains more of Choline which is a memory booster.
Whole wheat flour and yeasts provide B complex vitamins including pantothenic acid which is often described as anti- stress vitamin. Vitamin C which is an anti oxidant is provided by fresh fruits, gooseberry, broccoli and potatoes. Magnesium which is a natural mood stabilizer and pacifier is found in cereals, spinach pumpkin and chocolates.
Herbal products such as Kava Kava, Valerian, Dandelion,, Chamomile, Passion flower relaxes both the mind and the body
Does Chocolate Reduce Stress Level?
The role of chocolates in stress reduction is a controversial one. Chocolate contains more of Theo bromine. Theo bromine stimulates brain. A person affected by stress will be very anxious. Theo bromine further stimulates the brain and worsens it. But on a long term when the person is depressed and dull, it may act as a mood elevator.
Another theory is that chocolate contains magnesium which is described as a Natural Tranquilizer' which calms down an agitated person.
Meal Management
The meal management to tackle stress should be
* A heavier meal in the morning
* A lighter meal at night
* Salads before the meals
* Fruits as desserts at the end of the meal
The food that reduces stress has got a significant role in all stress management programs. A well balanced nutritious food as advised by the dietitian and avoidance of unhealthy food can thus help in stress relief.
Tips for Managing Emotional Stress Effectively
* Try to release pressure through physical activities.
* Talk to somebody about your emotional dilemma.
* Set emotional limits.
* Always take care of your overall health.
* Enjoy life and have fun.
* Refrain from being along too much.
* Don't do everything at the same time.
* Relax every now and then.
EAT RIGHT TO FIGHT STRESS
Stress is inevitable. However, there are ways to minimize its grip on your life, starting with your diet.
Most of us recognize that certain foods have brutal effects on the brain—for productivity, mood and mental energy. Too much chocolate can leave you dragging after the sugar and caffeine jolts fade away. An overdose of salty chips dehydrates the body and the brain, bringing on fatigue. High fat meals raise stress hormone levels and keep them high.
The problem is that these are precisely the foods we reach for at exactly the wrong times, as they exacerbate tension from work and daily life just when we seek relief.
The Food and Mood Project, a nutrition research group in the U.K., identified "food stressors" and "food supporters," foods that exacerbate stress from the inside and those that help people under stress. The lists were drawn on the basis of personal experience among 200 people surveyed.
Nearly 90% of those surveyed reported that their mental health had improved significantly with changes in diet they had made on their own.
Participants reported that cutting down or avoiding "food stressors" like sugar (80%), caffeine (79%), alcohol (55%) and chocolate (53%) had the most impact on mental health. So did having more "food supporters" like water (80%), vegetables (78%), fruit (72%) and oil-rich fish (52%).
The survey also found some dietary strategies particularly helpful in encouraging a healthful diet: eating regular meals, carrying nutritious snacks and planning meals in advance.
"Despite evidence suggesting that dietary and nutritional interventions can provide symptom relief and benefits to health, these approaches remain alternative or complementary," says Amanda Geary, a nutritional therapist with the Food and Mood Project, which advocates dietary changes to boost mood before turning to medication.
Nevertheless, quality research now underway is seriously tackling how the foods we consume affect our internal chemistry. We already know that stress hormones like cortisol actually rob the body of vitamins, hijacking them to support such classic stress responses as the tensing of muscles and the rise of blood pressure, reactions fundamental to the fight-or-flight response.
Thus at times when we're experiencing the nervous-system workout of anxiety, we are in special need of B vitamins, which help maintain our nerves and brain cells. B vitamins also used up in converting food into energy for the body.
It's double whammy for the body if calories consumed during stressful times don't come from nutritious foods, as they'll then be depleted even more quickly. Even a slight vitamin B deficiency—say, from a few days of overloading on chips and soda—upsets the nervous system and compounds stress, according to Elizabeth Somer, R.D., a nutritionist in Salem, Oregon.
A better bet at trying times: bananas, fish, baked potatoes, avocados, chicken and dark green leafy veggies. All are loaded with B vitamins.
Extreme stress can create even more nutritional havoc. The "fight or flight" effect on our bodies is drastic. Some 1400 chemical changes occur as stress hormones sap the body of important nutrients, such as those B vitamins, vitamin C, vitamin A and the mineral magnesium.
The hormones released in response to stress can cause carbohydrate cravings by lowering levels of serotonin, the calming hormone. Increasing carbohydrate intake can strengthen tolerance to stress by boosting levels of serotonin, says Somer, but it can also cause weight gain and overeating, particularly of sugary foods.
When the pressure is on, it's difficult not to turn to junk food for solace. But sticking to highly nutritious, low fat, low sugar, and low caffeine diet will be its own reward.
Food Groups for Different Moods
Find Calm
Oatmeal: Ah, the joys of carbs. In just 20 minutes (the time it takes to digest a bowl of oatmeal) they can have you grinning like you've popped a Valium. "When you eat a carbohydrate, your body sends an amino acid called tryptophan into the brain to trigger the manufacture of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel tranquil and better able to cope," says Wurtman. Without carbs, your brain actually can't produce serotonin. That may be why dieters who swear off starches tend to get angry, tense, and depressed after just two weeks (Wurtman calls it Atkins Attitude). But that's no license to OD on glazed doughnuts. You want carbs that are rich in fiber -- like whole-wheat pasta or beans -- so that your body will absorb them slowly, keeping serotonin flowing steadily; otherwise, you'll digest them in a jiffy, causing a quick mood boost followed by another emotional low
Pistachios: A handful is all you need to tame stress. Pistachios contain fiber, antioxidants, and unsaturated fatty acids, all of which have been linked to lower blood pressure in studies. And just 1 1/2 oz of these nuts blunted the effects of stress on people taking a math test in a Penn State University study. "Participants still found the test to be stressful, but their blood pressure response was lower than when they took the same test while consuming a low-fat diet," says study author Sheila West, Ph.D
Milk: There's a reason your grandma touted warm milk as a sleepy-time beverage. "Whey, the protein in milk, has been shown to decrease anxiety and frustration," says Susan Kleiner, Ph.D., author of The Good Mood Diet. The calcium in dairy has also been shown to calm muscles and help keep blood pressure in check, though these effects can take up to a couple of weeks to kick in. In the meantime, Kleiner suggests, start a ritual of heating up milk, adding cocoa powder and a bit of the natural sweetener Stevia, and sipping it before hitting the sheets. "Ritual itself can be a stress-reducer," she says. Plus, warm drinks are naturally soothing and digest faster than cold ones
Avocado: Not only is its thick, creamy texture inherently luxurious but avocado is also high in monounsaturated fat and potassium, both of which help lower blood pressure, according to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute. Monounsaturated fat also helps keep receptors in the brain sensitive to mood-boosting serotonin. (Not to mention that "getting too few calories from fat makes people very grouchy," says Kleiner. Amen.) Half an avocado a day should do the trick; slice it and add to a green salad, or mash it up to make instant guacamole and eat it with baked corn tortillas
Wine: Go ahead and indulge in a drink (or two) with your dinner. In addition to offering disease-fighting antioxidants, "a glass of wine acts as a central nervous system depressant; it initially relaxes us and lowers blood pressure," says Kleiner. Just don't overindulge, she warns. Too much depressing of the central nervous system can leave you feeling, well, depressed -- not to mention hungover the next day.
Get Sharp
Whole-grain toast: To feed your inner Einstein, go for whole grains. They're digested slowly, boosting your blood sugar and giving your brain a steady supply of its favorite fuel, glucose. Processed and refined foods -- like packaged cookies or white bread -- also provide glucose, but because these foods break down much more rapidly in your body, they cause your blood sugar to spike and then crash, leading to impaired brain functions such as poorer judgment, memory, and analytical abilities, says Ewan McNay, Ph.D., an assistant professor of neuroendocrinology at the Yale School of Medicine. On the other hand, researchers from Lund University in Sweden have found that eating whole grains at breakfast can keep blood sugar stable for up to 10 hours -- improving alertness, concentration, and memory. For best results, top your whole-grain toast with a bit of protein, such as almond butter or a slice of low-fat cheese, to further slow digestion and, in turn, extend your energy
Turkey: Protein makes you a lean, mean thinking machine. Turkey, for example, contains tyrosine, an amino acid that helps your brain produce the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. "If you activate those chemicals, your brain will work faster and be more effective at handling complex mental problems," says Wurtman. Animal proteins -- such as milk, eggs, fish, shellfish, poultry, and lean meats -- pack the smartest punch because in addition to tyrosine, they contain the other seven essential amino acids in the amounts the body needs for good health (unlike vegetable proteins like beans and tofu). Just make sure to choose lean animal protein, because fat can muck up the works. "Fat takes longer to digest, so blood is diverted to the digestive tract to process it," Wurtman explains. "That can make you feel like you're in a mental coma." Turkey is one of the best choices, with 21 grams of protein and .4 grams of fat in one serving of a boneless, skinless breast (3 oz). Or try chicken, which has 17.5 grams of protein and 1.1 grams of fat per 3-oz serving of a boneless, skinless breast
Coffee: It's not bad for you -- especially if you stick to just the mug or two a morning you need to bring the world into focus (and skip those full-fat mocha lattes). Researchers from Innsbruck Medical University in Austria found that 100 mg of caffeine (about two cups of coffee) improved subjects' reaction times and working memory (what you'd use to recall a number you'd just found in the phone book, for example). "Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and acts on brain chemicals in a way that improves memory, attention, and concentration," says Bennett Weinberg, coauthor of The World of Caffeine. "It can actually raise your score on an IQ test." Caffeine may give your workout a boost too. In one study, caffeine intake increased performance in cyclists; in another, it delayed exercise fatigue. Of course, moderation is key, and personal limits vary. If you feel jittery, step away from the java
Eggs: No more egg-white-only omelets -- or anything else! Egg yolk is rich in choline, a fat-like B-complex vitamin, and in chemical compounds called phospholipids -- both of which are linked to recall. "Choline and phospholipids have been shown to enhance memory in college-age men," says Kleiner. (And that's saying a lot given all the drinking those guys can do.) If you tend to stick to the whites because the yolks are high in cholesterol, know that if you don't already have high cholesterol (or eat a diet full of other high-cholesterol foods, like cheeseburgers and milk shakes), there's no health downside to eating a full egg a day
Rev Up
Water: Drink up! Between one and two thirds of the population is dehydrated by about two to four cups of water at any given time. And since we need water for nearly every function in the body -- like converting food into energy -- even a minor H2O shortfall can zap our system. "With just a 1 percent to 2 percent loss of body weight in fluid, you'll feel fatigued, you might get a headache, and you won't think clearly or remember as much," says Kleiner, who authored a study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association on the importance of hydration. The remedy: Get five to six (8-oz) cups of agua a day, and eat lots of fruit and vegetables, which are naturally water-packed.
Pineapple: It's not summer without pineapple. But if you need another excuse to put this spiny, delicious fruit in your shopping cart, here it is: Pineapple, like all carbohydrates, breaks down quickly into sugar to give you an energy boost. But unlike simple carbs such as plain bagels or white rice, pineapples pack enough fiber -- nearly 10 percent of your daily value (DV) -- and other nutrients to slow down its digestion and prevent the dreaded post-carb crash. What's more, pineapple is a great source of the mineral manganese and the B-vitamin thiamin, both of which help your body convert calories into energy. Just one cup of pineapple gives you 128 percent of the DV for manganese. (We also swear that the sweet-and-tart taste wakes you up in a flash.)
Almonds: Consider them energy pellets. Not only do almonds contain healthy fat and lots of fiber but they're also packed with magnesium, which helps to convert carbs, protein, and fat into energy. A study from the Grand Forks Human Nutrition Research Center in North Dakota found that women with low magnesium levels tired out faster than women with higher levels when doing everyday activities. "Magnesium allows you to be more energy efficient," says lead study author Henry Lukaski, Ph.D., assistant director of the center. A quarter of a cup of almonds provides 25 percent of the 320 mg women need daily. Add some brazil nuts (107 mg of magnesium per ounce) and pumpkin seeds (151 mg of magnesium per ounce) for a pep-you-up trail mix
Bliss Out
Chocolate: The euphoria you feel when you eat it is real. Chocolate has a mild temporary stimulating effect owing to the emotional response it evokes (think velvety mouth-feel, decadent aroma, and all the good memories attached to it) as well as the bit of caffeine it has. Add to that its sugar content, which triggers the feel-good hormone serotonin, and the fat and phenylethylamine it contains, which lead to endorphin release, and it's no wonder experts say this sweet treat leads to "ultimate brain happiness." And just a square or so of dark chocolate a day can boost your health too, lowering both your blood pressure and your risk of stroke.
Walnuts: Turn to these nuts when you're feeling blue. The secret is in their high content of omega-3 essential fatty acids. In one study, people with lower levels of omega-3 in their blood were more likely to report symptoms of depression and a more negative outlook, whereas people with higher levels tended to be more agreeable. Meanwhile, an animal study at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA, showed that omega-3 fatty acids and uridine -- two substances that occur naturally in many foods, including walnuts and fish -- may boost communication among neurons in key areas of the brain. The bottom line: Effects of omega-3s and uridine "were indistinguishable from standard antidepressant medications," says study author William Carlezon, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at Harvard Medical School. Just a quarter of a cup of walnuts gives you nearly 95 percent of the DV of omega-3s.
Spinach: Okay, so veggies aren't necessarily the first thing you crave when you're in a funk. Stick with us: Spinach is rich in folate (or vitamin B9), which helps maintain normal levels of mood-boosting serotonin. A study in the Journal of Nutrition showed that people who consumed the least folate were a whopping 67 percent more likely to suffer from depression than those who took in the most. Spinach is one of the best sources of folate there is, with 262 micrograms per cup. The recommended dietary allowance of folate is 400 micrograms daily, so add other folate-rich foods like asparagus, broccoli, and beans to your diet too
Bad-Mood Foods
Avoid these nutritional downers if you want to stay in good spirits:
DOUGHNUTS, cookies, and other high-sugar treats. They cause a quick rush, then a crash. These sweets lack the fiber and other nutrients to slow digestion. Choose foods that take longer to break down, or those considered low on the glycemic load scale (a measure of the effect a food has on blood sugar based on traditional serving sizes -- see glycemicindex.com for more info).
BACON Foods high in saturated fats (we're also talking cream sauces, fries, and other types of oily goodness) are digested very slowly, diverting blood from your brain to your stomach, which can put you in a fog. They can also raise your LDL (low-density lipoprotein) cholesterol -- the bad kind. Whenever possible, stick to heart-healthy unsaturated fats such as nuts, and olive, canola, and nut oils.
BIG PORTIONS Lunches of 1,000-plus calories bring on that afternoon malaise because their long digestion time means less blood for your brain and muscles. For sustained energy, graze five to six times a day (three main meals of no more than 400 to 600 calories each, plus two 200- to 300-calorie snacks).
EXCESS CAFFEINE AND ALCOHOL A drink or two of each may have health benefits, but don't go over your limit: Too much caffeine can make you nauseous. Too much booze can put you at greater risk for cancers, high blood pressure, stroke, and heart failure -- and, more immediately, mess with your sleep cycle, leaving you tired and blue. Do not drink Alcohol in excess with Cialis
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Food – The Best and Worst Medicine for Stress
It has been proved that the major health disorder in the United States in stress. A balanced nutritious food and simple deep breathing exercises are the simplest methods for stress relief. This article discusses the following aspects:
* How can food tackle stress?
* How tea, coffee, etc affects a person who is having stress?
* Can chocolates help in stress reduction?
Researches show that stress is the most common health disorder in the United States. There are various options available for the relief of stress. A balanced nutritious food and simple deep breathing exercises are the simplest methods for stress relief. They are cost effective, easily available and are without side effects. Food that reduces stress acts mainly by their vitamins and mineral contents.
Food and Stress Relief
The changes associated with stress are
* Increase in the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol
* Increase in blood sugar and cholesterol
* Increase in the heart rate and blood pressure
* Increase in the respiration
* Accumulation of toxins like carbon dioxide and lactates
* Emotional changes due to alteration in the brain chemistry
* Gastro intestinal disorders like irritable bowel syndrome
* Suppression of immunity
The principle of stress management programs is to reverse all these changes. Among these changes the levels of the already increased hormones cannot be brought down. The stimulus which increases their production can be controlled. All the other changes can be reversed using various stress relief options. One of the simplest options is the dietary changes.
The role of food items in the stress management programs are discussed under the following headings
* Food items that reduces stress which should be included
* Foods items that aggravates stress which should be avoid
Food Items to be Avoided
Food items which aggravate the signs and symptoms are to be avoided. These include
* Excess tea, coffee, cocoa
* Junk foods and fast foods
* Egg yolks
* Butter, cheese, shrimps and meat
* Coconut oil
* Cashews almonds and other nuts
* Beverages including soda, chocolate drinks and soft drinks.
* Sugar
* Alcohol
Excess tea, coffee, cocoa including chocolate drinks contain neuro stimulators like, caffeine and Theo bromine. Though these substances refresh a tired person, it is better to avoid excess stress. In stress the patients will be already anxious and further stimulation results in aggravation of anxiety and worsen sleeplessness. Moreover tea and coffee worsens peptic ulcer associated with stress. But the controversy is that chocolates contain more of magnesium which helps in calming down an agitated person during stress.
Egg yolks contain high percentage of cholesterol and should be avoided in stress which itself increase the cholesterol levels. Butter, cheese, coconut oil cashews, almonds and meat are to be avoided for similar reasons.
Junk foods and fast foods are highly delicious food items are not balanced diets. They contain protein, fats and carbohydrates in inappropriate proportions and moreover they don't contain the essential vitamins and minerals. Stress needs more of energy, vitamins and minerals also but in a balanced proportion.
Beverages including soda and soft drinks contain 'empty calories' which are useless and they also don't contain vitamins and minerals. In stress there is accumulation of carbon dioxide and lactates resulting in a condition called acidosis which is detrimental to health. The high content of carbon dioxide in beverages aggravates it. Sodium benzoate is also more in beverages which should be avoided in hypertension associated with stress. Sugar should be avoided in stress as the person will be already having increased blood glucose levels with a higher risk of getting diabetes.
Alcohol destabilizes mind and is not ideal during stress.
Food Items to be Included
Researches show that vitamins like B complex, C and E along with minerals like manganese, selenium and zinc are helpful in relieving stress. The food items rich in these substances should be included. It is better to include plant sources of these essential nutrients as animal sources as discussed above contain other nutrients which are harmful.
The food items beneficial are
* Fresh vegetables mainly green, yellow, orange and leafy vegetables
* Fresh fruits
* Soups
* Yoghurts
* Fish
* Sprouted grams
* Skimmed milk
* Herbal products
Fresh vegetables, fruits provide all vitamins and minerals. Green, yellow, orange vegetables like tomatoes, carrots are rich in vitamins for stress and minerals. Vegetables also contain more fiber content which is helpful in treating constipation and the loose stools associated Irritable bowel syndrome which is one of the long term effects of stress.
Yoghurts provide minerals including calcium essential for proper nerve impulses and lacto bacillus which is essential for maintaining gut flora. More over yoghurt neutralizes the acidity of peptic ulcer aggravated by stress.
Skimmed milk contains less than 3% fat which is appropriate during stress. Milk also contains tryptophan which is essential for the synthesis of 5HTP or serotonin which is a mood stabilizer which helps in pacifying an anxious stressed person.
Sprouted grams provide all nutrients in a balanced and very importantly in an easily digestible and absorbable way. One should remember that stress affects digestion.
Fishes like Mackerel and Tuna contain more of Omega fatty acids which protect heart, from heart diseases which are precipitated by stress. Moreover fish also contains more of Choline which is a memory booster.
Whole wheat flour and yeasts provide B complex vitamins including pantothenic acid which is often described as anti- stress vitamin. Vitamin C which is an anti oxidant is provided by fresh fruits, gooseberry, broccoli and potatoes. Magnesium which is a natural mood stabilizer and pacifier is found in cereals, spinach pumpkin and chocolates.
Herbal products such as Kava Kava, Valerian, Dandelion,, Chamomile, Passion flower relaxes both the mind and the body
Does Chocolate Reduce Stress Level?
The role of chocolates in stress reduction is a controversial one. Chocolate contains more of Theo bromine. Theo bromine stimulates brain. A person affected by stress will be very anxious. Theo bromine further stimulates the brain and worsens it. But on a long term when the person is depressed and dull, it may act as a mood elevator.
Another theory is that chocolate contains magnesium which is described as a Natural Tranquilizer' which calms down an agitated person.
Meal Management
The meal management to tackle stress should be
* A heavier meal in the morning
* A lighter meal at night
* Salads before the meals
* Fruits as desserts at the end of the meal
The food that reduces stress has got a significant role in all stress management programs. A well balanced nutritious food as advised by the dietitian and avoidance of unhealthy food can thus help in stress relief.
Tips for Managing Emotional Stress Effectively
* Try to release pressure through physical activities.
* Talk to somebody about your emotional dilemma.
* Set emotional limits.
* Always take care of your overall health.
* Enjoy life and have fun.
* Refrain from being along too much.
* Don't do everything at the same time.
* Relax every now and then.
EAT RIGHT TO FIGHT STRESS
Stress is inevitable. However, there are ways to minimize its grip on your life, starting with your diet.
Most of us recognize that certain foods have brutal effects on the brain—for productivity, mood and mental energy. Too much chocolate can leave you dragging after the sugar and caffeine jolts fade away. An overdose of salty chips dehydrates the body and the brain, bringing on fatigue. High fat meals raise stress hormone levels and keep them high.
The problem is that these are precisely the foods we reach for at exactly the wrong times, as they exacerbate tension from work and daily life just when we seek relief.
The Food and Mood Project, a nutrition research group in the U.K., identified "food stressors" and "food supporters," foods that exacerbate stress from the inside and those that help people under stress. The lists were drawn on the basis of personal experience among 200 people surveyed.
Nearly 90% of those surveyed reported that their mental health had improved significantly with changes in diet they had made on their own.
Participants reported that cutting down or avoiding "food stressors" like sugar (80%), caffeine (79%), alcohol (55%) and chocolate (53%) had the most impact on mental health. So did having more "food supporters" like water (80%), vegetables (78%), fruit (72%) and oil-rich fish (52%).
The survey also found some dietary strategies particularly helpful in encouraging a healthful diet: eating regular meals, carrying nutritious snacks and planning meals in advance.
"Despite evidence suggesting that dietary and nutritional interventions can provide symptom relief and benefits to health, these approaches remain alternative or complementary," says Amanda Geary, a nutritional therapist with the Food and Mood Project, which advocates dietary changes to boost mood before turning to medication.
Nevertheless, quality research now underway is seriously tackling how the foods we consume affect our internal chemistry. We already know that stress hormones like cortisol actually rob the body of vitamins, hijacking them to support such classic stress responses as the tensing of muscles and the rise of blood pressure, reactions fundamental to the fight-or-flight response.
Thus at times when we're experiencing the nervous-system workout of anxiety, we are in special need of B vitamins, which help maintain our nerves and brain cells. B vitamins also used up in converting food into energy for the body.
It's double whammy for the body if calories consumed during stressful times don't come from nutritious foods, as they'll then be depleted even more quickly. Even a slight vitamin B deficiency—say, from a few days of overloading on chips and soda—upsets the nervous system and compounds stress, according to Elizabeth Somer, R.D., a nutritionist in Salem, Oregon.
A better bet at trying times: bananas, fish, baked potatoes, avocados, chicken and dark green leafy veggies. All are loaded with B vitamins.
Extreme stress can create even more nutritional havoc. The "fight or flight" effect on our bodies is drastic. Some 1400 chemical changes occur as stress hormones sap the body of important nutrients, such as those B vitamins, vitamin C, vitamin A and the mineral magnesium.
The hormones released in response to stress can cause carbohydrate cravings by lowering levels of serotonin, the calming hormone. Increasing carbohydrate intake can strengthen tolerance to stress by boosting levels of serotonin, says Somer, but it can also cause weight gain and overeating, particularly of sugary foods.
When the pressure is on, it's difficult not to turn to junk food for solace. But sticking to highly nutritious, low fat, low sugar, and low caffeine diet will be its own reward.
Food Groups for Different Moods
Find Calm
Oatmeal: Ah, the joys of carbs. In just 20 minutes (the time it takes to digest a bowl of oatmeal) they can have you grinning like you've popped a Valium. "When you eat a carbohydrate, your body sends an amino acid called tryptophan into the brain to trigger the manufacture of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel tranquil and better able to cope," says Wurtman. Without carbs, your brain actually can't produce serotonin. That may be why dieters who swear off starches tend to get angry, tense, and depressed after just two weeks (Wurtman calls it Atkins Attitude). But that's no license to OD on glazed doughnuts. You want carbs that are rich in fiber -- like whole-wheat pasta or beans -- so that your body will absorb them slowly, keeping serotonin flowing steadily; otherwise, you'll digest them in a jiffy, causing a quick mood boost followed by another emotional low
Pistachios: A handful is all you need to tame stress. Pistachios contain fiber, antioxidants, and unsaturated fatty acids, all of which have been linked to lower blood pressure in studies. And just 1 1/2 oz of these nuts blunted the effects of stress on people taking a math test in a Penn State University study. "Participants still found the test to be stressful, but their blood pressure response was lower than when they took the same test while consuming a low-fat diet," says study author Sheila West, Ph.D
Milk: There's a reason your grandma touted warm milk as a sleepy-time beverage. "Whey, the protein in milk, has been shown to decrease anxiety and frustration," says Susan Kleiner, Ph.D., author of The Good Mood Diet. The calcium in dairy has also been shown to calm muscles and help keep blood pressure in check, though these effects can take up to a couple of weeks to kick in. In the meantime, Kleiner suggests, start a ritual of heating up milk, adding cocoa powder and a bit of the natural sweetener Stevia, and sipping it before hitting the sheets. "Ritual itself can be a stress-reducer," she says. Plus, warm drinks are naturally soothing and digest faster than cold ones
Avocado: Not only is its thick, creamy texture inherently luxurious but avocado is also high in monounsaturated fat and potassium, both of which help lower blood pressure, according to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute. Monounsaturated fat also helps keep receptors in the brain sensitive to mood-boosting serotonin. (Not to mention that "getting too few calories from fat makes people very grouchy," says Kleiner. Amen.) Half an avocado a day should do the trick; slice it and add to a green salad, or mash it up to make instant guacamole and eat it with baked corn tortillas
Wine: Go ahead and indulge in a drink (or two) with your dinner. In addition to offering disease-fighting antioxidants, "a glass of wine acts as a central nervous system depressant; it initially relaxes us and lowers blood pressure," says Kleiner. Just don't overindulge, she warns. Too much depressing of the central nervous system can leave you feeling, well, depressed -- not to mention hungover the next day.
Get Sharp
Whole-grain toast: To feed your inner Einstein, go for whole grains. They're digested slowly, boosting your blood sugar and giving your brain a steady supply of its favorite fuel, glucose. Processed and refined foods -- like packaged cookies or white bread -- also provide glucose, but because these foods break down much more rapidly in your body, they cause your blood sugar to spike and then crash, leading to impaired brain functions such as poorer judgment, memory, and analytical abilities, says Ewan McNay, Ph.D., an assistant professor of neuroendocrinology at the Yale School of Medicine. On the other hand, researchers from Lund University in Sweden have found that eating whole grains at breakfast can keep blood sugar stable for up to 10 hours -- improving alertness, concentration, and memory. For best results, top your whole-grain toast with a bit of protein, such as almond butter or a slice of low-fat cheese, to further slow digestion and, in turn, extend your energy
Turkey: Protein makes you a lean, mean thinking machine. Turkey, for example, contains tyrosine, an amino acid that helps your brain produce the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. "If you activate those chemicals, your brain will work faster and be more effective at handling complex mental problems," says Wurtman. Animal proteins -- such as milk, eggs, fish, shellfish, poultry, and lean meats -- pack the smartest punch because in addition to tyrosine, they contain the other seven essential amino acids in the amounts the body needs for good health (unlike vegetable proteins like beans and tofu). Just make sure to choose lean animal protein, because fat can muck up the works. "Fat takes longer to digest, so blood is diverted to the digestive tract to process it," Wurtman explains. "That can make you feel like you're in a mental coma." Turkey is one of the best choices, with 21 grams of protein and .4 grams of fat in one serving of a boneless, skinless breast (3 oz). Or try chicken, which has 17.5 grams of protein and 1.1 grams of fat per 3-oz serving of a boneless, skinless breast
Coffee: It's not bad for you -- especially if you stick to just the mug or two a morning you need to bring the world into focus (and skip those full-fat mocha lattes). Researchers from Innsbruck Medical University in Austria found that 100 mg of caffeine (about two cups of coffee) improved subjects' reaction times and working memory (what you'd use to recall a number you'd just found in the phone book, for example). "Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and acts on brain chemicals in a way that improves memory, attention, and concentration," says Bennett Weinberg, coauthor of The World of Caffeine. "It can actually raise your score on an IQ test." Caffeine may give your workout a boost too. In one study, caffeine intake increased performance in cyclists; in another, it delayed exercise fatigue. Of course, moderation is key, and personal limits vary. If you feel jittery, step away from the java
Eggs: No more egg-white-only omelets -- or anything else! Egg yolk is rich in choline, a fat-like B-complex vitamin, and in chemical compounds called phospholipids -- both of which are linked to recall. "Choline and phospholipids have been shown to enhance memory in college-age men," says Kleiner. (And that's saying a lot given all the drinking those guys can do.) If you tend to stick to the whites because the yolks are high in cholesterol, know that if you don't already have high cholesterol (or eat a diet full of other high-cholesterol foods, like cheeseburgers and milk shakes), there's no health downside to eating a full egg a day
Rev Up
Water: Drink up! Between one and two thirds of the population is dehydrated by about two to four cups of water at any given time. And since we need water for nearly every function in the body -- like converting food into energy -- even a minor H2O shortfall can zap our system. "With just a 1 percent to 2 percent loss of body weight in fluid, you'll feel fatigued, you might get a headache, and you won't think clearly or remember as much," says Kleiner, who authored a study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association on the importance of hydration. The remedy: Get five to six (8-oz) cups of agua a day, and eat lots of fruit and vegetables, which are naturally water-packed.
Pineapple: It's not summer without pineapple. But if you need another excuse to put this spiny, delicious fruit in your shopping cart, here it is: Pineapple, like all carbohydrates, breaks down quickly into sugar to give you an energy boost. But unlike simple carbs such as plain bagels or white rice, pineapples pack enough fiber -- nearly 10 percent of your daily value (DV) -- and other nutrients to slow down its digestion and prevent the dreaded post-carb crash. What's more, pineapple is a great source of the mineral manganese and the B-vitamin thiamin, both of which help your body convert calories into energy. Just one cup of pineapple gives you 128 percent of the DV for manganese. (We also swear that the sweet-and-tart taste wakes you up in a flash.)
Almonds: Consider them energy pellets. Not only do almonds contain healthy fat and lots of fiber but they're also packed with magnesium, which helps to convert carbs, protein, and fat into energy. A study from the Grand Forks Human Nutrition Research Center in North Dakota found that women with low magnesium levels tired out faster than women with higher levels when doing everyday activities. "Magnesium allows you to be more energy efficient," says lead study author Henry Lukaski, Ph.D., assistant director of the center. A quarter of a cup of almonds provides 25 percent of the 320 mg women need daily. Add some brazil nuts (107 mg of magnesium per ounce) and pumpkin seeds (151 mg of magnesium per ounce) for a pep-you-up trail mix
Bliss Out
Chocolate: The euphoria you feel when you eat it is real. Chocolate has a mild temporary stimulating effect owing to the emotional response it evokes (think velvety mouth-feel, decadent aroma, and all the good memories attached to it) as well as the bit of caffeine it has. Add to that its sugar content, which triggers the feel-good hormone serotonin, and the fat and phenylethylamine it contains, which lead to endorphin release, and it's no wonder experts say this sweet treat leads to "ultimate brain happiness." And just a square or so of dark chocolate a day can boost your health too, lowering both your blood pressure and your risk of stroke.
Walnuts: Turn to these nuts when you're feeling blue. The secret is in their high content of omega-3 essential fatty acids. In one study, people with lower levels of omega-3 in their blood were more likely to report symptoms of depression and a more negative outlook, whereas people with higher levels tended to be more agreeable. Meanwhile, an animal study at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA, showed that omega-3 fatty acids and uridine -- two substances that occur naturally in many foods, including walnuts and fish -- may boost communication among neurons in key areas of the brain. The bottom line: Effects of omega-3s and uridine "were indistinguishable from standard antidepressant medications," says study author William Carlezon, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at Harvard Medical School. Just a quarter of a cup of walnuts gives you nearly 95 percent of the DV of omega-3s.
Spinach: Okay, so veggies aren't necessarily the first thing you crave when you're in a funk. Stick with us: Spinach is rich in folate (or vitamin B9), which helps maintain normal levels of mood-boosting serotonin. A study in the Journal of Nutrition showed that people who consumed the least folate were a whopping 67 percent more likely to suffer from depression than those who took in the most. Spinach is one of the best sources of folate there is, with 262 micrograms per cup. The recommended dietary allowance of folate is 400 micrograms daily, so add other folate-rich foods like asparagus, broccoli, and beans to your diet too
Bad-Mood Foods
Avoid these nutritional downers if you want to stay in good spirits:
DOUGHNUTS, cookies, and other high-sugar treats. They cause a quick rush, then a crash. These sweets lack the fiber and other nutrients to slow digestion. Choose foods that take longer to break down, or those considered low on the glycemic load scale (a measure of the effect a food has on blood sugar based on traditional serving sizes -- see glycemicindex.com for more info).
BACON Foods high in saturated fats (we're also talking cream sauces, fries, and other types of oily goodness) are digested very slowly, diverting blood from your brain to your stomach, which can put you in a fog. They can also raise your LDL (low-density lipoprotein) cholesterol -- the bad kind. Whenever possible, stick to heart-healthy unsaturated fats such as nuts, and olive, canola, and nut oils.
BIG PORTIONS Lunches of 1,000-plus calories bring on that afternoon malaise because their long digestion time means less blood for your brain and muscles. For sustained energy, graze five to six times a day (three main meals of no more than 400 to 600 calories each, plus two 200- to 300-calorie snacks).
EXCESS CAFFEINE AND ALCOHOL A drink or two of each may have health benefits, but don't go over your limit: Too much caffeine can make you nauseous. Too much booze can put you at greater risk for cancers, high blood pressure, stroke, and heart failure -- and, more immediately, mess with your sleep cycle, leaving you tired and blue. Do not drink Alcohol in excess with Cialis
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Things I Realized Today
R&B Remixes with rappers are STUPID.
Let me clarify. R&B remixes of songs that you might actually play during bedroom "QT" with rappers are STUPID. If I'm doing some of my Patented Dr Hak Dime Drilling, and Sex Therapy by Robin Thicke is on, and frigging Ludacris breaks in talking that noise - that's an unnecessary distraction.
Sure, you can say "well if you doing it right you gonna be focused and not notice", but I say hogwash to that.
How about a more dramatic example ---
It's your anniversary. You sneak off work and get home before your girl, fix dinner draw some bath water...you know, whatever you sucker for love ass ninjas be doing these days. She comes home, she's surprised, she loves the food, she's so in love, blah blah blah. You move to the bed room and D'Angelo is on, asking you How Does It Feel.
How Does It Feeeeeeeeeel?
How Does It Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... IT'S GUCCI!!! GUCCI!!!!
Come on son, that'd be ridiculous. If you had never heard that before you'd stop mid-stroke and LAUGH. Deny it if you want. That mess is going to happen one day when Soulja Boy shows up on a Stevie Wonder songs and you'll be like "Wow, Dr Hak was Right". And you'll be pissed.
Once I heard Usher was on a remix with Trey Songz, I had an "ah ha!" moment. That's how it should be. Pop-ish R&B - put all the rappers on there you want (i.e. Mariah Carey's "Fantasy"), but the lovemaking music needs SINGERS to add to it.
Homeless people are hip to Facebook and Twitter. They get on at the Public Library.
I like good men. Stop laughing. I like to see good dudes - strong brothers with their minds right and their priorities straight... AND THERE'S PLENTY OF THEM. They are everywhere. I just left a meeting with 7 of them tonight. I think that's why the whole "there's not enough good black men" debacle/debate/situation/excuse gets me to blogging because straight up - that shit isn't true. I know TONS of good black dudes. They may not all look like Reggie Bush, but all these females don't look like Stacey Dash so what's really good? Stop complaining about your luck, stop whining talking about all the good ones don't like black women (that's not even possible) and stop dating whack ass dudes and snap up these decent, family values having cats before Kim Kardashian takes them all (Oooooooooooh SNAP!). I'm not hating on pretty boys. BUT... if you and all of your girls go somewhere and all 6 of you decide you want the same dude... You might want to think about how many other options his has and then tell me what kind of "relationship" he's going to be available for.
Plies (the rapper) is 3 apples tall.
Companies are making up shit JUST to see how much they can get away with.How else do you explain Champagne Ice Cream and Merlot Sorbet? That ain't really in there, you lying son. Stop that.
You can prepare as much as you can for something, prepare wrong, and be PISSED. Still, it's on to the next one.
Gucci Mane has made a lot of damn videos I haven't seen. As a matter of fact...
I haven't seen ANY music videos that came out in the last 3 years. I'm getting OLD.
Let me clarify. R&B remixes of songs that you might actually play during bedroom "QT" with rappers are STUPID. If I'm doing some of my Patented Dr Hak Dime Drilling, and Sex Therapy by Robin Thicke is on, and frigging Ludacris breaks in talking that noise - that's an unnecessary distraction.
Sure, you can say "well if you doing it right you gonna be focused and not notice", but I say hogwash to that.
How about a more dramatic example ---
It's your anniversary. You sneak off work and get home before your girl, fix dinner draw some bath water...you know, whatever you sucker for love ass ninjas be doing these days. She comes home, she's surprised, she loves the food, she's so in love, blah blah blah. You move to the bed room and D'Angelo is on, asking you How Does It Feel.
How Does It Feeeeeeeeeel?
How Does It Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... IT'S GUCCI!!! GUCCI!!!!
Come on son, that'd be ridiculous. If you had never heard that before you'd stop mid-stroke and LAUGH. Deny it if you want. That mess is going to happen one day when Soulja Boy shows up on a Stevie Wonder songs and you'll be like "Wow, Dr Hak was Right". And you'll be pissed.
Once I heard Usher was on a remix with Trey Songz, I had an "ah ha!" moment. That's how it should be. Pop-ish R&B - put all the rappers on there you want (i.e. Mariah Carey's "Fantasy"), but the lovemaking music needs SINGERS to add to it.
Homeless people are hip to Facebook and Twitter. They get on at the Public Library.
I like good men. Stop laughing. I like to see good dudes - strong brothers with their minds right and their priorities straight... AND THERE'S PLENTY OF THEM. They are everywhere. I just left a meeting with 7 of them tonight. I think that's why the whole "there's not enough good black men" debacle/debate/situation/excuse gets me to blogging because straight up - that shit isn't true. I know TONS of good black dudes. They may not all look like Reggie Bush, but all these females don't look like Stacey Dash so what's really good? Stop complaining about your luck, stop whining talking about all the good ones don't like black women (that's not even possible) and stop dating whack ass dudes and snap up these decent, family values having cats before Kim Kardashian takes them all (Oooooooooooh SNAP!). I'm not hating on pretty boys.
Plies (the rapper) is 3 apples tall.
Companies are making up shit JUST to see how much they can get away with.How else do you explain Champagne Ice Cream and Merlot Sorbet? That ain't really in there, you lying son. Stop that.
You can prepare as much as you can for something, prepare wrong, and be PISSED. Still, it's on to the next one.
Gucci Mane has made a lot of damn videos I haven't seen. As a matter of fact...
I haven't seen ANY music videos that came out in the last 3 years. I'm getting OLD.
Stop Playing Games Yo
This isn't directed at anyone in particular, except you the reader.
Sit down in a quiet place and think about your life.
Do you play games?
Are you too old to be playing said games?
Well, when are you going to stop?
Are you having too much fun? Is getting free drinks off whatever poor guy enjoys the curves on that dress you know you wrong for wearing just too easy for you to stop doing?
Is seeing which one of the fellas can pull the most phone numbers (or is it facebook/twitter names now? I don't know what these young boys do) in one night for the hell of it too much wholesome clean fun?
I'm just saying. Look at some of your behaviors. You probably play games. Maybe in relations with the other sex, perhaps with your family or at work. You know you're too old for that right?
Just be honest with people. Not that fake half-fact honest I spoke about two days ago - HONEST.
Don't go over no dude's house, at 1am, like you don't know what's hot in the streets and then act like you have lepracy and if someone gets within two feet of you they'll turn into a pumpkin and now ole boy sitting on the other couch watching some bullshit Lifetime movie when he could've been asleep if you really just wanted to be friends in the first place. Why are you halfway doing it? Are you trying to get something out of him? Is he too nice and generous for you?
Don't use relationships as a basis for getting ass when you know that girl told you she was looking to get married and then act like you got caught up in the moment. Come on son.
Don't disappear on someone and then reappear 8 months later on some "hey buddy" shit when the last time you saw each other it wasn't no damn "friend"ness going down and you know he/she was trying to get at you but you met someone else and didn't have enough respect to tell them. If you seeing someone new, say so. Don't pretend you got busy with work. Don't act like you're sick or dramatically overstate the drama in your life to make yourself appear unavailable. You used to get off at 3pm every day and now all of a sudden you working everynight and no one got promoted? STOP.
I am fully aware that people NEVER do the right then when it comes to other folks.
Too often, we're cowards when it comes to telling someone else the real. Fearing a violent outburst, uncontrollable tears, or maybe even genuinely not wanting to hurt someone. But in my observation, telling someone the facts is always better in the long-run than disappearing/lying/pretending the shit ain't what it is.
Even if you tell someone "look, I'm not feeling you like that" or "hey i'm seeing someone now" - and they get upset, they will eventually get over it. But think about this - it is entirely possible that they were going to find out the hard way (not directly from you) anyway... Mutual friends, facebook, out at a party, at a concert everyone in town goes to. Which one do you think it will be easier for them to move on from or FORGIVE you for? Which one do you think benefits you more when things with your new beau doesn't work out? Don't get caught up in how much someone does for you / how cute they are / how phat her ass is that you lose sight of the concept of MUTUAL RESPECT. Be honest about your intentions. By informing that person of the change in situation directly and honestly, you have SEPARATED yourself from the masses and once the initial uncomfort settles down, the chances that you can have a friendship with this person or even get them back if need be go up dramatically.
Feel free to add to this with Comments!
Sit down in a quiet place and think about your life.
Do you play games?
Are you too old to be playing said games?
Well, when are you going to stop?
Are you having too much fun? Is getting free drinks off whatever poor guy enjoys the curves on that dress you know you wrong for wearing just too easy for you to stop doing?
Is seeing which one of the fellas can pull the most phone numbers (or is it facebook/twitter names now? I don't know what these young boys do) in one night for the hell of it too much wholesome clean fun?
I'm just saying. Look at some of your behaviors. You probably play games. Maybe in relations with the other sex, perhaps with your family or at work. You know you're too old for that right?
Just be honest with people. Not that fake half-fact honest I spoke about two days ago - HONEST.
Don't go over no dude's house, at 1am, like you don't know what's hot in the streets and then act like you have lepracy and if someone gets within two feet of you they'll turn into a pumpkin and now ole boy sitting on the other couch watching some bullshit Lifetime movie when he could've been asleep if you really just wanted to be friends in the first place. Why are you halfway doing it? Are you trying to get something out of him? Is he too nice and generous for you?
Don't use relationships as a basis for getting ass when you know that girl told you she was looking to get married and then act like you got caught up in the moment. Come on son.
Don't disappear on someone and then reappear 8 months later on some "hey buddy" shit when the last time you saw each other it wasn't no damn "friend"ness going down and you know he/she was trying to get at you but you met someone else and didn't have enough respect to tell them. If you seeing someone new, say so. Don't pretend you got busy with work. Don't act like you're sick or dramatically overstate the drama in your life to make yourself appear unavailable. You used to get off at 3pm every day and now all of a sudden you working everynight and no one got promoted? STOP.
I am fully aware that people NEVER do the right then when it comes to other folks.
Too often, we're cowards when it comes to telling someone else the real. Fearing a violent outburst, uncontrollable tears, or maybe even genuinely not wanting to hurt someone. But in my observation, telling someone the facts is always better in the long-run than disappearing/lying/pretending the shit ain't what it is.
Even if you tell someone "look, I'm not feeling you like that" or "hey i'm seeing someone now" - and they get upset, they will eventually get over it. But think about this - it is entirely possible that they were going to find out the hard way (not directly from you) anyway... Mutual friends, facebook, out at a party, at a concert everyone in town goes to. Which one do you think it will be easier for them to move on from or FORGIVE you for? Which one do you think benefits you more when things with your new beau doesn't work out? Don't get caught up in how much someone does for you / how cute they are / how phat her ass is that you lose sight of the concept of MUTUAL RESPECT. Be honest about your intentions. By informing that person of the change in situation directly and honestly, you have SEPARATED yourself from the masses and once the initial uncomfort settles down, the chances that you can have a friendship with this person or even get them back if need be go up dramatically.
Feel free to add to this with Comments!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Dr Hak's Theory of Relativity
Fellas, take heart - any time you're in a room and whack chick with p6 tattoos on her face (Danger!) tries to ste to you, just remember - there's a tight one in the same room waiting for you to speak to her.
Ladies, its the same thing - anytime some broke pimp old enough to be your Daddy looking like he just left his jail ministry meeting and went directly to the Zoot Suit clearance sale tries to get at you, there's probably a fella nearby who's much more suited for you who just needs you to smile or something so he doesn't think you're an ice princess.
That is known as Dr Hak's Theory of Relativity
You're not cute just to weirdos, so don't act like only the weirdos want to be with you. Perhaps you just need to check the signals you are putting out there. Fellas, you can smile at a young lady too. No need to be hard. This ain't 1988, and you're not in Compton. If you smile at a chick and she gives you the cold glare, just throw a drink at her. You'll feel better. Then holla at her friend.
Also ladies, stop picking up men at Jail Ministry...
Ladies, its the same thing - anytime some broke pimp old enough to be your Daddy looking like he just left his jail ministry meeting and went directly to the Zoot Suit clearance sale tries to get at you, there's probably a fella nearby who's much more suited for you who just needs you to smile or something so he doesn't think you're an ice princess.
That is known as Dr Hak's Theory of Relativity
You're not cute just to weirdos, so don't act like only the weirdos want to be with you. Perhaps you just need to check the signals you are putting out there. Fellas, you can smile at a young lady too. No need to be hard. This ain't 1988, and you're not in Compton. If you smile at a chick and she gives you the cold glare, just throw a drink at her. You'll feel better. Then holla at her friend.
Also ladies, stop picking up men at Jail Ministry...
Talk to Dr Hak - THE WHACKNESS
What's THE WHACKEST mess a member of the opposite sex has tried to pull on you?
And (optional) what did you do about it?
Leave a comment!
And (optional) what did you do about it?
Leave a comment!
The Lies They Tell on Nightline
By now, many of you have seen the Nightline special on the dangers of being a 30 year old black woman in America who desires to get married.
Let me try to keep this brief, and as rant-free as possible.
That entire 7 minute segment, is BULLSHIT.
I have three issues with it
1) The stats
2) The women
3) Steve Harvey
Let's start with
1)The stats they quote. There's a saying. It goes "there are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
Its never been more useful than in this situation. You'd almost think Nightline, or whoever produced this segment, was trying to instill fear into the black female population.
They did a graphic showing how few eligible black men are out there. It went like this.
Start with 100 Black Men
Eliminate those without a high school diploma - 21
Those without a job - 17
Those in jail - 8
"That leaves only 54% of black men eligible to pop the question"
What about the women in the same situations? Don't we want to compare apples to apples here? Also, they didn't take out the gay men. So their numbers are beyond flawed from JUMP
2) The women
Let me be very clear here. If you are a woman that looks as good as the 4 in this segment, and you can't get a man - its your fault.
YOUR FAULT.
And by fault, I mean "choice". You have made choices that have affected your ability to get or keep the man who would make you a proper husband. Perhaps you have put your career first on the priority list for too long. Perhaps you have dumb rules like "he needs to be 6'5'' like the one participant says.
Perhaps you THINK it makes sense to have a "he needs to make more money than me" requirement, but if you yourself make over $50,000, hell $40,000... that rule shouldn't be on your books.
I don't mean to sound as if there isn't such a thing as bad luck, and "haven't found the one yet". That's real. But there are choices you make to change your luck and things you have to look at internally to assess your true mindset.
At the end of the day, (and I lost my draft of this blog entry so I might have to revisit this later) your mindset determines where you are in life and what you get. These women get plenty of offers from guys wishing to take them out. But what do they do - they give them the bullshit. I'm not judging. I'm just listening to what they said. I can only hope the segment producers edited out all the intelligent, sensible things these ladies had to say because nothing that came through made them appear to have a grasp on what it takes/means to be in a real relationship with a black man. They sound high maintenance. I think one of them seemed like a nice girl.
And there's no "taboo" against dating black women. Where the hell did that come from? Black men LOVE Black women. We really do. We may not want to stick around and deal with your issues or need to dominate, but that's not because you're black, it's because you're a jerk.
Also - move the hell out of Atlanta if its not working out for you. I hear there is a plethora of good black men in Chicago, and I know for a fact the Houston natives would love to buy you everything they possibly can since women there tend to go to the highest bidder. Not a diss... REAL TALK.
Why would you want to live in Atlanta anyway if you want to get married? The "odds" of finding a man who lives in the Black Gay Capital of the world (they wear HEELS in the A. HEELS. I like gay people. They are alllllright with me. Really they are. I'm very disappointed in the black community's anti-gay stances. But heels, dude? Really? There is a line and its called "paint-on jeans with a sheer shirt". Heels are so far past the line you might've forgot there was one. Even Morehouse banned heels. And if Morehouse bans something, you know its out of control. If you're a full-blown cross dresser, or even doing it for one night - OK get your outfit tight. But if you walk around with heels on like they are acceptable footwear just on the regular to go to work? That's just too much. Do they even MAKE men's heels? Come on son.)... where there is also a very HIGH ratio of Women to Men to start with who ISN'T enjoying his "success" with the ladies are not good.
But even still... My homegirls in Atlanta have boyfriends. So I ask again - what's wrong with YOU? Its your mindset. Get it together...Reggie Bush ain't walking through that door and if he does, he ain't checking for you. Yeah you cute and have your money right, but like I said in that entry yesterday - we really don't give a fuck about all that. Find out what men want, and see if you have the tools to deliver. Stop making it about what you want and what people can do for you. Have you even CONSIDERED what it takes to be someone's woman and be GOOD at it? (that's a whooooooole 'nother blog in itself. I need blood pressure medication before I can write it - or maybe I just won't).
3) Steve Harvey
Steve Friggin Harvey... This dude has made a lot of money exploiting the fears of black women with so-so-advice.
I thought his book was a decent read when I skimmed through it the first time. He had a lot of true stuff in there. But remember what I wrote about Honesty yesterday in another entry? Honesty isn't honest unless its REAL. And Steve Harvey's advice is not REAL.
He proposes a 90-day waiting period before giving any new dude the draws. That SOUNDS like a good idea, especially if you don't have any waiting period at all. But if you really want to get married, you might really need to make a guy show you who he is (and vice versa) before you start doing things like getting attached through sex.
Can you really get to know a man in 90 days? 90 days ago was Halloween. Did you meet anyone at a Halloween party? Do you KNOW this ninja like that? NOPE.
You may be getting to know him, but you really, honestly, don't know shit about him. He could be married, have kids, live in another city... all sorts of stuff you don't find out when the "representatives" are talking to each other. Even if you've spent every single one of those 90 days together, you don't KNOW him. You know you like him. But you don't know him and he damn sure doesn't know you well enough to know if you're a woman he'd be willing to commit to. Sooooooo 90 days ain't enough.
Not if you want to be taken seriously at least.
Let's go to the advice he gave on the show. I'll skip his Captain-ass line about how old men didn't train new men to be men. *Spit*
This dude told these women...
Hold on I need to compose myself for this..
This clown told these women the answer to their problem is the DATE OLDER MEN.
If you're 34, an "older" man technically isn't 35 he's 40. So... let's look at that.
You mean to tell me that the best candidate for her to get at is the never-married guy who's 40?
The one who's been GETTING IT IN NONSTOP FOR 20 YEARS STRAIGHT and just recently decided he even wants kids.
Great advice. Send her to Guantanamo why don't you. At least there, she'll get food and water.
That's HORRIBLE advice. Absolutely horrible. I can't even express it in words. I'll be 30 really really soon. My salaries have gone up pretty decently since I finished college and got my MBA in 04. I have no real reason to not expect more increase, and I could also start my own thing and make REAL cash. By the time I get to be 40, I should be Balling Out of Control in ways unimaginable to me at the age of 18.
And that's what the "older" man represents. He doesn't represent "maturity". Unless you consider maturity to be some formula where after a man has been with a certain number of women, he plateaus and wants to settle down (as if that were OK). It doesn't work that way. Men come to the realization that they want a family at different ages. I have friends who got married out of high school and are still together. I have friends who got married "in love" freshman year of college and broke up, friends who got married right after college and are still together and some aren't, etc. The "ready for a family" thing isn't a product of age. I know dudes who wanted to be a dad at 17!!!
So what benefit does a man who's 40 provide over one who is 35? Life experience? More time to get bitter over whack women? It just doesn't work like that.
Even the really really really focused man who wanted to be into his career real hard - if The One showed up, he'd take a week off to get married and go right back to his office after the ceremony. That's how it works. What a dumb piece of advice.
And I'm not hating on older dude. I remember being 20 and wondering what the fuck these girls my age were doing with that 30 year old loser who can't get women his own age. That's a weeeeee bit different though. 20 year old males are boys. Nothing more. There are a couple mature 20 year olds, just not a lot. Plus, the 30 year old dude has money. Like real salary cash. Do you know what kind of shit I would've got away with if I had my Houston/DC salary and lived in Tallahassee? Yeah... It would've been bad. Almost like if I had moved to Atlanta... Hmmm....
Let me try to keep this brief, and as rant-free as possible.
That entire 7 minute segment, is BULLSHIT.
I have three issues with it
1) The stats
2) The women
3) Steve Harvey
Let's start with
1)The stats they quote. There's a saying. It goes "there are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
Its never been more useful than in this situation. You'd almost think Nightline, or whoever produced this segment, was trying to instill fear into the black female population.
They did a graphic showing how few eligible black men are out there. It went like this.
Start with 100 Black Men
Eliminate those without a high school diploma - 21
Those without a job - 17
Those in jail - 8
"That leaves only 54% of black men eligible to pop the question"
What about the women in the same situations? Don't we want to compare apples to apples here? Also, they didn't take out the gay men. So their numbers are beyond flawed from JUMP
2) The women
Let me be very clear here. If you are a woman that looks as good as the 4 in this segment, and you can't get a man - its your fault.
YOUR FAULT.
And by fault, I mean "choice". You have made choices that have affected your ability to get or keep the man who would make you a proper husband. Perhaps you have put your career first on the priority list for too long. Perhaps you have dumb rules like "he needs to be 6'5'' like the one participant says.
Perhaps you THINK it makes sense to have a "he needs to make more money than me" requirement, but if you yourself make over $50,000, hell $40,000... that rule shouldn't be on your books.
I don't mean to sound as if there isn't such a thing as bad luck, and "haven't found the one yet". That's real. But there are choices you make to change your luck and things you have to look at internally to assess your true mindset.
At the end of the day, (and I lost my draft of this blog entry so I might have to revisit this later) your mindset determines where you are in life and what you get. These women get plenty of offers from guys wishing to take them out. But what do they do - they give them the bullshit. I'm not judging. I'm just listening to what they said. I can only hope the segment producers edited out all the intelligent, sensible things these ladies had to say because nothing that came through made them appear to have a grasp on what it takes/means to be in a real relationship with a black man. They sound high maintenance. I think one of them seemed like a nice girl.
And there's no "taboo" against dating black women. Where the hell did that come from? Black men LOVE Black women. We really do. We may not want to stick around and deal with your issues or need to dominate, but that's not because you're black, it's because you're a jerk.
Also - move the hell out of Atlanta if its not working out for you. I hear there is a plethora of good black men in Chicago, and I know for a fact the Houston natives would love to buy you everything they possibly can since women there tend to go to the highest bidder. Not a diss... REAL TALK.
Why would you want to live in Atlanta anyway if you want to get married? The "odds" of finding a man who lives in the Black Gay Capital of the world (they wear HEELS in the A. HEELS. I like gay people. They are alllllright with me. Really they are. I'm very disappointed in the black community's anti-gay stances. But heels, dude? Really? There is a line and its called "paint-on jeans with a sheer shirt". Heels are so far past the line you might've forgot there was one. Even Morehouse banned heels. And if Morehouse bans something, you know its out of control. If you're a full-blown cross dresser, or even doing it for one night - OK get your outfit tight. But if you walk around with heels on like they are acceptable footwear just on the regular to go to work? That's just too much. Do they even MAKE men's heels? Come on son.)... where there is also a very HIGH ratio of Women to Men to start with who ISN'T enjoying his "success" with the ladies are not good.
But even still... My homegirls in Atlanta have boyfriends. So I ask again - what's wrong with YOU? Its your mindset. Get it together...Reggie Bush ain't walking through that door and if he does, he ain't checking for you. Yeah you cute and have your money right, but like I said in that entry yesterday - we really don't give a fuck about all that. Find out what men want, and see if you have the tools to deliver. Stop making it about what you want and what people can do for you. Have you even CONSIDERED what it takes to be someone's woman and be GOOD at it? (that's a whooooooole 'nother blog in itself. I need blood pressure medication before I can write it - or maybe I just won't).
3) Steve Harvey
Steve Friggin Harvey... This dude has made a lot of money exploiting the fears of black women with so-so-advice.
I thought his book was a decent read when I skimmed through it the first time. He had a lot of true stuff in there. But remember what I wrote about Honesty yesterday in another entry? Honesty isn't honest unless its REAL. And Steve Harvey's advice is not REAL.
He proposes a 90-day waiting period before giving any new dude the draws. That SOUNDS like a good idea, especially if you don't have any waiting period at all. But if you really want to get married, you might really need to make a guy show you who he is (and vice versa) before you start doing things like getting attached through sex.
Can you really get to know a man in 90 days? 90 days ago was Halloween. Did you meet anyone at a Halloween party? Do you KNOW this ninja like that? NOPE.
You may be getting to know him, but you really, honestly, don't know shit about him. He could be married, have kids, live in another city... all sorts of stuff you don't find out when the "representatives" are talking to each other. Even if you've spent every single one of those 90 days together, you don't KNOW him. You know you like him. But you don't know him and he damn sure doesn't know you well enough to know if you're a woman he'd be willing to commit to. Sooooooo 90 days ain't enough.
Not if you want to be taken seriously at least.
Let's go to the advice he gave on the show. I'll skip his Captain-ass line about how old men didn't train new men to be men. *Spit*
This dude told these women...
Hold on I need to compose myself for this..
This clown told these women the answer to their problem is the DATE OLDER MEN.
If you're 34, an "older" man technically isn't 35 he's 40. So... let's look at that.
You mean to tell me that the best candidate for her to get at is the never-married guy who's 40?
The one who's been GETTING IT IN NONSTOP FOR 20 YEARS STRAIGHT and just recently decided he even wants kids.
Great advice. Send her to Guantanamo why don't you. At least there, she'll get food and water.
That's HORRIBLE advice. Absolutely horrible. I can't even express it in words. I'll be 30 really really soon. My salaries have gone up pretty decently since I finished college and got my MBA in 04. I have no real reason to not expect more increase, and I could also start my own thing and make REAL cash. By the time I get to be 40, I should be Balling Out of Control in ways unimaginable to me at the age of 18.
And that's what the "older" man represents. He doesn't represent "maturity". Unless you consider maturity to be some formula where after a man has been with a certain number of women, he plateaus and wants to settle down (as if that were OK). It doesn't work that way. Men come to the realization that they want a family at different ages. I have friends who got married out of high school and are still together. I have friends who got married "in love" freshman year of college and broke up, friends who got married right after college and are still together and some aren't, etc. The "ready for a family" thing isn't a product of age. I know dudes who wanted to be a dad at 17!!!
So what benefit does a man who's 40 provide over one who is 35? Life experience? More time to get bitter over whack women? It just doesn't work like that.
Even the really really really focused man who wanted to be into his career real hard - if The One showed up, he'd take a week off to get married and go right back to his office after the ceremony. That's how it works. What a dumb piece of advice.
And I'm not hating on older dude. I remember being 20 and wondering what the fuck these girls my age were doing with that 30 year old loser who can't get women his own age. That's a weeeeee bit different though. 20 year old males are boys. Nothing more. There are a couple mature 20 year olds, just not a lot. Plus, the 30 year old dude has money. Like real salary cash. Do you know what kind of shit I would've got away with if I had my Houston/DC salary and lived in Tallahassee? Yeah... It would've been bad. Almost like if I had moved to Atlanta... Hmmm....
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