Are You Ready?

You are a wanter.

You want this you want that. More money. Better career. Freedom. Stability. A good spouse. Kids. The big house with the white picket fence. White sand beaches with Mai Tai's by the pool without a care in the world. Two extra inches of height. 3 fewer inches of waistline. A Super Bowl trip for your favorite team. A convertible. An iPad. A 60 inch HDTV.

You want a bunch of stuff. But what do you do when you have it staring at you, smack dab in the face, ready to be wanted?

Whatchagonnado?

Relationship wise, we typically "WANT" someone - - - really "something" since the prototypical perfect mate doesn't exist - - - who might be a bit out of our league in the classical sense. In the real world, there's no such thing, even if people will look at you both and say "who is this regular ass mofo with Stacey Dash/Serena Williams/Idris Elba/whoever the sexyflexy dude of the month is - holding hands walking down the street?"

We even allow ourselves to believe that someone is out of our league, even if we still want them. Well, what happens when that person decides they want to holla back? What are you going to do?

What some of you will do, is RUN. In a really weird, sabotage-the-relationship kind of way. Never really believing the other person wants YOU, all sorts of passive aggressive insecurity will stream out of your pores. You'll spaz out every time they call. You'll try to CHANGE who you are because of who they are.

These behaviors are pretty sad, but in some way, they are understandable. Who wants to be "upgraded on", and then take a stream of sympathy calls that include "I told you so" or "well it was a longshot anyway". Nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to wait for the other shoe to drop... so when you are in a situation with someone you don't REALLY think you can get, the natural urge may be to protect yourself.

We can't live life like that. If you're a receptionist and a Doctor at the hospital you work with says he's genuinely interested in you (for more than sex), and he shows it through actions and not words, enjoy the ride. Without looking over your shoulder to see who is plotting on you.

If you meet someone and they have their stuff together, sure, its cool if you are reminded that you have some goals to accomplish and loose ends to tie up, but it shouldn't be because you want this random person to look at you with regard. 1, it won't work. Your impression is already set. If your rocket scientist girlfriend comes to the ceremony when you finished your MBA, she'll be proud of you for sure, but she won't start treating you like it means something. Her impression of you was set when you met her. And she's still there.

You gotta have some self-esteem. I know the chances of me actually pulling Stacey Dash SEEM low, but I've never been in the room with her. Give me 5 minutes somewhere where we can talk. It's a wrap, baby. Tell Rick Ross she's coming to be in my music video.

How can I be so sure? Well I'm not. But I damn sure am not going to rule myself out just because she's a celebrity and what not.

A lot of times, we get caught up on what someone does or where they go or who they run with and make judgments about them.

For example - if you are a woman, doing your thing but you ain't a baller, and you meet a doctor and have good conversation... don't start acting like he's not looking at your ti... err, body and less than the next man. That's actually a pretty dumb assumption. "Oh we had great conversation, he's not like these other dudes he never once said blah blah blah" - - - PLEASE.

A good man... is still a man. Say it with me. A GOOD MAN IS STILL A MAN

Men like to look at women. He probably checked you out before he walked over and/or, knows he'll have a chance later. This is strategy. You ever walk down the street, and the guy you're about to pass turns around and looks the other way before your get there but otherwise doesn't move or stops walking? Strategy. These ladies do it to. I've actually been impressed with the smoothness lady veterans of the game employ to check out a man's stature or physique. The laugh-to-hand-on-the-arm move for example (does he work out?). That's pretty old school. There are much more sophisticated techniques I will leave for a master practitioner of such to discuss with you at another time.

And fellas, it goes both ways (pause). A GOOD WOMAN IS STILL A WOMAN. All because she's not going to break down and roll around in the street pitching a fit when you don't open the door for her, or don't tell her she looks nice when its clear she went through some effort to look nice with/for you - that doesn't mean she's ok with it. Some people are just levelheaded. But even your Brain Surgeon girlfriend needs you to provide manly comfort and support... she just doesn't need your money. (Need... I didn't say she doesn't want it). And all because she isn't the type for drama, that doesn't mean you can do whatever.

Some people have had experiences that give them a different outlook on life. They are usually called celebrities or CEOs. But we're all people, and you shouldn't treat them differently because they happen to match the exact profile you SAY you want. Treat everyone the same... now if you don't know how to treat people or talk to people (evidence - none of your ex girlfriends or ex boyfriends are cool with you)... that's something we'll talk about a different day.


Are you ready?

Are you ready for success? Are you ready for the promotion you think you deserve? Are you ready to meet the person you say you want to be with? Do you have your spiritual, financial, and personal plan in motion for your life? Do you at least have an outline of the plan? Are you making strides towards being where you want to be in the important areas of your life?


If No... well... why the hell not?


Spend some time thinking about what it would take for you to be ready for success in all areas of your life, and then think about what you will do when you GET IT. Then make a Point A to Point B plan to bridge the gap. Because if you act right - get it you shall.


Just do like the Boy Scouts and Be Prepared. It could happen Any Day Now.

Focus on Your Positives

Strengthen your strengths.

What's Your Profile?

Recent events have forced me to realize a few things about my life, including, but not limited to, the fact that people pay attention to me more that I want them to.

That's not always a bad thing, and I'm certainly no D-list celebrity, but there are a lot of people that know me. I have 1600 facebook friends, 400+ LinkedIn friends, and people even follow me on The Ladders for work. Utterly random folk.

Something happened recently that allowed me to realize that people, do in fact, pay more attention to me than I think(thought) they do. It was a pretty surreal incident, complete with haters, fake supporters and folks who need to get kicked in the nuts ala The Boondocks, but I'm glad I was able to learn that lesson now and not later.

You see, no matter what you are doing, someone is looking. Especially online. I don't use facebook statuses to post all my random thoughts because I'm not that tight with 1600 folks. I have about 120 followers on my personal Twitter account and I just started a professional one (@hakimudavidson). The personal one has protected tweets because I don't particularly want people who I don't know to have any thoughts at all about what I do and do not randomly have to say on Twitter. Hell, I don't even know if I really want the folks that do know me to see all that stuff, but alas, "it is what it is" [worst cliche ever].

Before I get to rambling, my point is - you have a public profile. Its probably nothing like the "real" you, but it is there and its OK for you to develop it how you see fit. Kobe Bryant is a suspected-rapist and from reports a grade-A asshole and a biter, but he makes sure his wife and kids are seen with him on ABC telecasts of the NBA Finals. Because that's his public image and that's what he WANTS you to see.

Like it or not, I'm an officer of a large organization here in DC. I also send a lot of Facebook notes out for the group, so 1000+ people see the name Dr Hak at least twice a week. People meet me and "already" know me. I have to be aware of that, less I confuse the absolute shit out of some people.

I wrote a blog back a while ago called "Both/And". The point was that we all as individuals have our private selves we share with our friends and loved ones, and our public selves we share for work. We want to be allowed to be fully fleshed out, well-rounded individuals, but quite often we look at others and say "hey, isn't that the mayor? What the hell is he doing at the club popping bottles of Dom P?!"

He's having a good damn time, that's what. Just like when you went out for your birthday, you kicked it extra hard and got EXTRA chocolate wasted... then went to church on Sunday and work on Monday with your suit, tie, blouse or whatever on.

But that mayor has to be careful. Regardless of how we want others to let us live, they just don't.

So what is my point?

People view you a certain way. That is your profile. Your public profile is seen by most, and your private profile by a few (celebrities excepted).

Its important that you KNOW and realize what your profile is and then make your own decisions about how you are defined in the public eye.

If you don't take control of your image, your profile, your personal branding... others will fill in the blanks for you. If you're a jerk, socially awkward, or serial killer, that may not be all bad - but for most of us, its in our best interests that we take care of our own situations.

This applies to dating too. In fact, the idea for this entry came from reading a blog from a friend of mine who is having some issues.

I'm going to address this part mainly at the lovely lady readers of Real Talk only because men get feedback from our love interests far more often because women will get all emotional and tell you about yourself on a regular basis. But the info applies to both genders equally.

A lot of women think they are "good women" and they say they are looking for a "Good man". Nightline tv specials and lists aside... I would venture to guess that the majority of women who think they are a "good woman" are not nearly as "good" as they think they are.

Sure, you may think you're cute because you get hit on a lot. You may think you're a good catch because you have a job and decent credit. You may think you're emotionally available because you live alone and have your own car... BUUUUUUUUUUUUT what the hell does that have to do with a man and what he's looking for?

And much more importantly, what does that have to do with how he looks at you?

You see, I never advocate being fake. A friend of mine told me she was going to start watching CNN so she could have talking points during CBC events when she met men. I told her to cut the crap. One, thats not necessary or even really helpful, and Two, are you going to keep up this new lifestyle of political awareness just to keep said man you trapped who loves talking about Red States and Blue States and Immigration?

What I advocate is knowing who you are and knowing how you come off to people so you can play up your strengths and work on your weaknesses.

Just going around blaming men or saying good men don't want to settle down is lazy as hell and doesn't help you advance.

Its clearly not true. Men do want to settle down with good women. If a man doesn't want to settle down after he meets YOU, then you aren't The One for him. That's OK. You've turned down plenty of decent guys too. Keep it moving and stop bitching and complaining.

OR... maybe you're not actually a good woman.

Sad but true. Its definitely possible.

Remember, MEN define what a good woman is. Ever wondered why your friends were able to get married and you can't even get a relationship to last over a year. Well... there are different ways of doing things. IF yours isn't working for you, sticking to your guns and shouting IM A GOOD WOMAN WHY DONT THESE MEN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the top of your lungs won't help. You're going to have to try something new.

OR... maybe you are a good woman, but you're sending out mixed signals or have something else going on thats getting in the way

Examples:
Not emotionally available / still communicating with Ex's
Overly pressed to advance a new relationship with a guy you JUST MET
Clingy - wanting too much time too soon
Crazy - expecting unrealistic things because you WANT them, not because they make sense
etc etc etc


Well I'll wrap it up with this. You may or may not be aware of the things you are doing that are getting you disqualified. There is a simple way to find out though...

ASK

Ask your male friends. MALE...friends. Ask your ex boyfriends. (If you aren't cool with more than 2 of your Ex's something says you don't choose quality men to start with, and that in itself needs to be addressed.)
Ask your Dad why he picked your mom (if they are together or not). Ask your male cousins what they want.

You don't have to be anyone you aren't, you just have to find out who you are to THEM. That will help you figure out what type of person would even want to be with you in the first place, and then you can figure out the rest later.

That's all for today.

Know thyself and how others knoweth you too.

Appreciation

1. In accounting, appreciation of an asset is an increase in its value.

2. Appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive




The following is a quick list of things I appreciate. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.


1. Good food
2. Real friends
3. A woman who will learn about your interests
4. Horsepower
5. peace and quiet at the beach

You're Getting Bad Advice

Just like LeBron James, if your friends always agree with you when you come to them with issues, you're bound to fuck something up on a major scale. Cherish and respect your friends who tell you the truth, even if it pisses you off.

If you've lived in the same place with the same family and friends around you all your life, the people who know you best can be an asset and a liability. Its up to you to learn who really knows what they are talking about. It could be different people for different issues. Your auntie with bad dating history isnt the one to get dating advice from. Your crazy uncle at the strip club every week can tell you how to make it rain, but not how to date a serious woman. Stuff like that. You get the point.

Stop listening to people who tell you what you want to hear.

Repeat after me: "Today I will stop doing the things I know do not work"

Go Get It

There's an epidemic in America right now. Women, right now - I mean RIGHT NOW - are in long distance relationships with good men who they want to marry... but refuse to move where the man is until they get a ring.

*GASP* The horror!

I promise you, this epidemic is real. And its getting worse everyday.

Somehow, these young ladies have gotten really really bad advice. They think that putting an ultimatum on a man will... want to make him marry her more? Think she's the one? Open his bank account and start cutting her checks?

I don't know which one of those these women think men are going to do when painted into a corner but I know what they WILL do - not what you want them to.

You see, a man is a man. Men be men. Men doith menish things.

If your man of many years says "come where I am" and your response is to ask for a circular piece of metal, he should look at you just like you are Frodo or Gollum going after The One Ring - what is wrong with you?

You see some more of that bad advice is floating around out there that has told these women that a man isn't serious until he gives you a ring. Well, technically rings are expensive, so there's this period between him deciding to get the ring and actually being able to give it to you, during which - if he were to say "well i'm saving up for it" you'd start fucking talking crazy to him.

Matter of fact, I got a homegirl I love to death getting married later this fall who nearly mucked her situation up worrying about all the future talk her man was giving her. Talking bout "I ain't seeing no progress" and saying she was sick of discussing marriage plans and future plans if he wasn't going to give her a ring. A piece of shitty not-really-platinum metal. Some stainless steel. Basically a steak knife.

If her man didn't give her a steak knife soon, she was gonna flip. As a matter of fact, she started doing dumb stuff like having conversations with bad-news ex boyfriends to see if the waters were still warm.

All this... WHILE she had a man talking serious relationship to her. Well which one is it? Do you want a man who is going to try to be serious or one who plays around? Here you have a dude you like telling you its going down, and you in a hurry because your 30th is coming up? Get It Together, Grouch.

Did I mention that in advance, he had told her "by the end of the year" and instead of waiting until Jan 1 to complain, she just started complaining in advance - like she expected him to let her down. Maybe that was more about her experiences getting let down by men than her situation with him, but it was bad, bad, bad for business, and it could've gone downhill if certain people weren't around to give her real talk.

Luckily, that story has a happy ending. He proposed on New Year's Eve - DUH!

But what about the long-distance gals and guys, Dr Hak?

Well, its simple. If you want to be with someone - move to be with them. Especially if your job situation is less lucrative and has less future potential than theirs (this goes for guys and gals). If she lives in one of your "oh hell naw" cities, provide a legitimate compromise. Make it happen though.

Don't be that girl who dated a guy for 5 years and passed up all her other options waiting for a ring that didn't come - or rather, would have come but she started making demands.

Men do not negotiate with terrorists. Real Talk - do you even want a man who responds to ultimatums? Is that any way to start an engagement? Is it more about getting married than about getting married to the right person the right way?

Get it the fuck together.

This thing about "I need a ring first" is the dumbest thing on earth. Tell me what that ring REALLY represents? Commitment? Nope - its his way of cockblocking on you. THATS ALL.

Easy example - there are married men who cheat. There are engaged men who cheat. There are boyfriends who are faithful. Two of these types of men have provided rings, but are still doing whatever. So tell me again, what does the ring REALLY represent?

If you have open and honest dialogue with your significant other, you should know if you have a stable situation and a solid commitment.

And, since this is Dr Hak's Real Talk blog, I'll just put it to you like this

Fellas - do you want your long distance girlfriend to get drunk and smash some dude at the club because you never come to town... and don't live there? No - you do not.

Ladies - do you want your man to fill his idle time with chicks who don't care he has a girl? No you do not. You want to start a family.

If your goals are XYZ, don't start doing ABC because some divorced 50 year old woman told you it was a good idea, or "that's what I would do".

Relationships are about compromise. There are plenty of situations where the guy is the one that should do the moving. But today I'm talking to the ladies. Because its an epidemic.

Then the other night I met a lady who was cured. Not only cured, but a pioneer in Ring Disease treatment and research. She moved from DC to ATLANTA because thats where her man was. He didn't give her a ring before she moved... but she figured out that she wasn't about to get one if she didn't leave ("so what you're saying is, I could give you a ring, then you'll come to Atlanta, or I can not, still be single (every person/human not married IS single) and you can stay wherever you are while I hang out at Atlanta Station and Strokers every weekend?... ... ... Let me think about that for a second")

The result? They were able to develop their relationship and she got her ring and her man. They are now married and doing well. Is moving always going to work out? Hell no. But usually it was clear it wasn't going to work out BEFORE the move. I'm not saying to move to be with someone you don't have a solid situation with. No - NEVER.

I'm saying that the ring itself is NOT what indicates that you have a man who's really about YOU. You need to know what situation you are in. One where material signals mean things, or one where you know, trust, and love each other to make it happen. Love doesn't need rings. If your man or woman is waiting on you to come get this loving - Go Get It.



***************
Oh yeah, one more thing.

In the event that you do move to me with your man/woman - and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that it wasn't a good idea for you to go. Would you prefer to go the rest of your life wondering? There are few times where you get great reward with minimal risk. Relationships isn't one of them. You can always move back (yes... you can)

"Single By Choice" - Is That Real Talk?

It is not REAL TALK to say "I'm single by choice"...

By uttering these words, you are confessing that you are, in fact, in a bad spot relationship-wise and might even be in denial about it.

Let's get into some semantics here. (Semantics - a favorite pasttime of Dr. Hak, even though no one usually gets what I'm saying since...you know...its semantics)

There actually are people who are single by choice who exist in this world.

These are "The Beautiful People", The young & rich, The wealthy, and dudes with trump tight game (for the record, Dr Hak has no game, I have what is known as "gravitational pull"). That's it... that's the list. Maybe strippers too. But that's really all.

The reason I'm bringing up semantics is that these people may be Single By Choice, but they'd never really say that outloud because it's already understood. The people who DO say "I'm single by choice" are typically NOT being chased by potential mates of high quality and technique. Yes, those bamas with the gold-teeth and 4 kids may be hollering when you hit the corner bodega and the gas station, but that's not a REALISTIC choice for you, soooooo you can't count that when you say "by choice". Because if you did choose Cletus, your family and homegirls would have you taken in for mental evaluation.

NOBODY is really single by choice. Men or women. 99.9% of the population at least isn't, and you ain't that special (you don't want to be, trust me.)

You may look at your surroundings and circumstances and ACCEPT that being single is OK at this point in your life, but you damn sure don't PREFER to be single. You might prefer to NOT be in an abusive relationship, NOT be dating an overprotective, overbearing, jealous maniac, or NOT be dating the psycho girl from hell who cuts up your clothes everytime your phone rings after 7pm, but that doesn't mean you really like being single or don't desire to one day be in a strong happy committed relationship.

In fact, unless you can sit here and tell me that you in no way shape or form ever plan on being in a long-term relationship with someone wonderful and actually mean it and don't have emotional baggage that is driving that thought, then the fact of the matter is, you CANNOT actually be single by choice. Because in truth, you're waiting for that moment (the happy relationship) to occur. Well who wouldn't choose to be happy right now? Excuses aside.

For men, yes, there is a period of oats-sowing that occurs, but in reality... let Stacey Dash walk through that door and say she wanted to be your wife. You'd see somebody with one of those director things pop into the room and say "THAT'S A WRAP!" Same thing if Shamar Moore or whatever sexy-flexy dude you ladies are into these days (who's that you say? Soulja Boy? Really? To each his/her own...) showed up talking right or whatever.


I don't think its a violation of Man Law to reveal that more often than not, even a man who has a lot of women in his face is hoping one of these chicks turns out to be "The One". Not only that she is "The One", but "The One who plays her hand right so we can just go ahead and do the damn thing without a whole bunch of static".

It's very rare that a man plans on being single for the rest of his life. For one, we want kids and we don't want baby mommas. Notice I didn't even say baby momma drama, I said we don't want baby mommas. Not anything about that situation is appealing.

For two, most men who have a lot of chicks laugh at how dumb they are and how much bullshit comes out of the mouths of babes. At some point, we're just going to have to do a documentary so women can hear themselves talking to us. I nicknamed this chick I dated "Terms and Conditions"... to her face. And she wasn't even that bad. But that's what she was about. It's just too much going on.

Sure, if you're a woman, you may watch some assinine Nightline special and think its great to be a man - especially a Black Man - single and living the life with all these beautiful women to choose from and what not - and yeah ok, FINE it is pretty cool from a VISUAL standpoint to be able to choose 31 baskin robbins flavors of women in all different shapes, styles, colors, or whatever and enjoy ridiculous variety...but that cliche "beauty is only skin-deep" is the realest shit ever said. Yes, there are a ton of beautiful women out there. More than I actually want to admit to myself, because then I'd move to Atlan... ummmm... so yeah there ARE a ton of beautiful women out there and what not, but if you're a woman, jealous of men because we have a lot of beautiful women to choose from, you're COMPLETELY disregarding personality. Which is ironic, and kind of hilarious, considering most of you want to be evaluated on your personality and not your looks. But you evaluate other women on theirs. ("She aint prettier than me, why he leave me for her? HMPH! His loss"... you know, that line of thinking - along with "awww she's pretty, you two make a cute couple I hope it works out"... because you know, being a cute couple is the most important thing right? Riiiiiiiight?)

Look. Men don't play the field because they like variety, its because these chicks are ANNOYING AS HELL. I cannot begin to tell you some of the stories and experiences that men go through dealing with women. The guys who read this will just shake their head and have uncomfortable flashbacks. The women are probably not going to believe me anyway, so I won't. Just believe me when I say, its really not that much fun being a single man... Once you get past the point where having sex is like... special. And by special, I mean, past the point where its a huge surprise that women will have sex with you. Men get to this point at various times in their lives.


My point of that mini-rant is, men want to meet great women and be with them too.

Women, stereotypically speaking of course, want to be in relationships more. So I find it a bit disconcerting that the people who tend to claim to be "Single by Choice" the most, are women.

Let's go to the videotape...

What does "Choice" really mean?

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.

"I'm in school, work full-time, am a part-time stripper, and I do hair, and don't have time for a relationship right now" DOES NOT COUNT as "single by choice".

"I just finished grad school while working full-time and I'm trying to get my mind right for a while before I get back into dating " also DOES NOT COUNT.

I haven't found the right man also DOES NOT COUNT.

To be single by choice, you are implying that you actually have a CHOICE... A realistic choice. A choice that you might not normally turn down, but you are choosing to do so.

Meaning - for a woman to be single by choice, she has to already know the man of her dreams but simply prefer to not be in a relationship. For whatever reason. Perhaps she has her own business and wants to grow it (*XXXX sound* - nope, if he was the man of your dreams, He'd be the type to support your situation 100% instead of hinder it, so by definition, the guy you are making wait on you isn't The One).

For a man to be single by choice - he has to have said Stacey Dash clone who cooks, has her own stuff together along with a sense of humor and isn't lame, in his face, available and ready to go... and then he'd have to choose to keep dating hood rats.

The problem is, while men typically say things to each other that would indicate we are anti-marriage, most men who see their homeboys about to fuck up a really REALLY good thing will pull him to the side, punch him in the temple and tell him to get his shit together and Man Up. That actually happens. If his boys aren't putting any pressure on him, they don't think you're his One. You can tell when they DO think you are the one for him. They'll do things to indicate they're "on your side" (words, facial expressions) but also won't say hater shit like "if he don't act right I'll take you". You may have experienced this.

The fact of the matter is, even men fully enthralled with their mandingo warrior phase will quickly and suddenly drop out of it when he feels he's met his wife. I've seen some very, very drastic examples. Cold Turkey is Realer than you know.

Anyway, I'm not out here to try to piss people off intentionally, and I realize some of you are sitting there saying "No, dammit, I AM single by choice and you can't tell me otherwise", so I'm going to leave the comments sections open for you to disagree at will. I won't even counter your points (unless you say something really, really, really f-ing stupid).


Just try to understand that the point I'm making is very specific.

Regardless of what you have going on in your life... most of the circumstances you are going to hold off on having a relationship are 1) temporary and 2) not really going to keep you from making it happen if "The One" shows up.

Temporary meaning - too busy, currently in school, trying to save money to buy a house, trying to raise a kid, just got out of school and want some time to myself, just got out of a relationship, etc.

None of those things are permanent, having a kid being the obvious outlier, but does having a kid mean you don't want to be with someone? No. It might mean you have a much higher standard of who you'll date or let into your inner circle, but that still isn't making a "choice" to be single. Its just not - that's not what the terms means. In all of those situations in the previous paragraph, if you met The One (remember, The One is going to be willing to work through said situation) - you'd find time to nourish that relationship.

I'm not saying you drop out of school if you're working and going to grad school. I'm saying you deal with it. Who passes up a wife for a degree he can get later? Who passes up a husband? Come on, let's keep it real...

It's OK to be single because you haven't met anyone (...that wants to put up with you). Really, it is. You ain't gotta go around trying to build it up using cliche terms to make the situation into something its not. Be at peace.

If you were truly single by choice, there are things you would not do. You wouldn't go on dates, ever. You'd never try to get a girls number / give your number to a guy. You'd never smile at strangers at the gym/mall/nasty McDonalds/Home Depot/grocery store. You'd never join a dating site or any organization to "network". You wouldn't wear makeup, deodorant, nice clothes, new shoes or fresh linen. You'd simply stay at home and crochet. Go knit me a sweater.


If there's a real, true reason that supercedes the "if The One was available and willing to make it work through your circumstance" criteria, please, write it down in the comments. I don't mind being proven wrong =)

Keep it Real With Yourselves!

If He's Spending Dough, You Already Know

Sooooo, Dr Hak hasn't had anything to say in a while, but alas, I AM BACK today with some new discussion-starting for you good people.


I don't really know how I can say this any other way, so I'm going to just say it.

Ladies, you've gotta stop fucking around with these dudes and their money.

Do you really think some man is going to spend copious amounts of $$$ on you, out of the goodness of his heart, or because he's some mythical creature called a "gentleman", or... just because he likes you?

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

He's trying to have sex. Period. Just like any other kind act from a man, you should probably expect that he wants to have sex with you. The difference with actual SPENDING OF MONEY is, he's got reason to expect that you are down if you start asking for AND/OR accepting certain things that cost money.

Let's just use examples to illustrate my point...

SITUATION #1 - Anytime a man pays for a hotel room and you sleep in it - he's expecting you to give up some action.
EXCEPTIONS - the two of you are friends and its not like that...
(Hmmm... you know I hesitate to type that because its pretty much ALWAYS like that, and the woman friend is pretty much ALWAYS in denial that its like that. So let me rephrase...)
ACTUAL EXCEPTION - the two of you are related.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTION - he has a girlfriend that's not you. Notice I said "possible"

SITUATION #2 - You meet a guy. Guy seems nice. You don't live where guy lives. You want to go visit guy. You buy your own plane ticket to see guy.
Verdict - safe. He might hope you put out, but you paid your own way to get there, so he can't act like he's done something grand.

SITUATION 2B - You meet a guy who seems nice. You become friends. Guy lives in another city. He offers to fly you into town and take care of all the expenses for the weekend. That means he doesn't plan on trying you, right?
VERDICT - Wrong...WRONG! Come on, be serious here.


What exactly do you think these dudes are spending their dough to try to accomplish? Do you think this man wants to be your boyfriend? OK, well guess what boyfriends get access to. Do you think he just wants to make you happy? Well, guess why he might want to do that... It's always going to be the same situation. There is no man on this planet who is going to spend money on travel expenses, continuous lavish dinners, or anything else over some arbitrary dollar amount like $50, and not expect some action.

AND... you already know this. So pretending like a situation isn't what it is is disingenuous. I guess you need to be in denial to pull off the appropriate acting job when the lights go out in the hotel suite with ONE BED that the man paid for to take you on vacation because he knows you're stressed and just wanted you to get away. Guess what - if he wanted you to be relaxed and get away from it all, he'd just send you on a trip by yourself... AND THEN HE'D BE WAITING FOR YOU TO GET BACK... It doesn't change.

There are rules to the game, and $ is a major issue. You're not an exception. All because a man has spent money on you and didn't actually TRY you, doesn't mean he was cool with you not showing some love back. How many times has a man gone out of his way to pay for something for you, didn't get any or try to get any, and kept doing these things for you?...oh, and didn't stalk you afterwards. Be serious.

If you want a man to not have any quarrel or expectations, pay for shit yourself. Especially plane tickets, concert tickets...anything called a "ticket", and pay him back if you end up needing to borrow money. You're more than welcome to and it's not an insult to his manhood, despite whatever protests he makes. If anything, it shows you're not a user. Because user chicks get dealt with. Sometimes the results are horribly tragic, sometimes hilarious lessons are learned (like the girl who kept going on expensive dates within a circle of male friends who figured it out, and got "stood up" at the airport with all her stuff packed for a trip to Jamaica that didn't exist. Or the girl who got her pictures put on the internet. You don't want to be that girl).

The easiest way to avoid trouble is to be an adult and think about things before you ask for or accept them. If you don't want to be intimate with a man, don't put yourself in intimate situations, and definitely not intimate situations he paid for. If you want to take things slow, then don't let him buy you plane tickets to Miami yet. Just go to the movies... and buy your own popcorn.

A Sponsor?

Can someone please leave a comment and explain why having a "sponsor" is 1)OK, 2)any different than prostitution?

Thanks,
Dr. Hak

Maybe You Don't Really Want a Relationship

I talk enough, so I'm going to leave this topic to the readers of REAL TALK to have your say after a few words - so please, leave a comment for ole Dr. Hak



Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.


Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...


...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.


Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.


Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.



Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.


...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.

Discuss.

Apologize

The art of apology - an ancient craft lost to the American population in the mid 1990's, formerly used to express regret, now used only to pretend to be sorry about something during press conferences forced upon one by their bosses and/or sponsors.


Sometimes we all make mistakes, and one of the hardest things to do when one makes a mistake is to issue a sincere apology. In keeping it real, I refuse to accept any apology that comes my way that is not clearly genuine. I also do not issue apologies by virtue of one being requested - I must feel from within that a mistake was made on my part to issue an apology. This isn't common, but its the way I roll.

Phony, weak, and insincere apologies only make the given situation worse. Lets say I were to be wrong about something, and "apologized" to the harmed party just because. Not only does this person know the apology is fake, it could perhaps insult their intelligence. The issue will be no more resolved, and a whole new layer of the fight will be added if the "that apology wasn't even real" statement is made. Nothing is accomplished, and now everyone is mad.

Apologizing has more benefits than to the immediate situation - it shows maturity, thoughtfulness, and self reflection. It also requires those same traits, which may explain why TRUE apologies are so hard to come by, and so rare - even in the public arena. You know what I mean - let's use celebrity apologies. You can feel the difference between someone who issues a statement expressing some level of regret that the situation occurred and someone who really feels like they fucked up and don't want to let it happen again. It's not even hard to see the differences.

Away from the public arena, your personal life is more important. How do you feel when you receive a half-hearted apology when someone does you dirty? Or no apology at all, ninjas just keep it moving like nothing is wrong. It's a pretty crummy feeling, huh? Well, think about your trespasses...

Do you owe anyone an apology? Chances are you do. Don't be stubborn about it...keep it REAL

You Ain't Got to Go Home...

So this past weekend, Los Senors threw a successful 4th Annual Cinco de Mayo Pool and Fight Party - attended by well over 250 people. Don't ever let anyone tell you Dr. Hak doesn't know how to throw a party.

A good time was had by and, and then at some point, it was time for people to go, I needed sleep and I think I damaged my foot. Don't ask how, it just really REALLY hurt.

Anyway, despite taking 7 shots of Patron / 1800 / Hornitos, Dr Hak did in fact make it to the TEN O'clock service on Sunday morning. I miss my old church. I'm glad I did and I wanted to share the message with all of you because it applies to the Real Talk principles I try to put out there for The People and all of my wonderful Fans.

Don't worry heathens, I won't make this a religious thing or start quoting scripture on you. But for everyone else, please turn to Luke, Chapter 8.

In this story, Jesus comes to the aid of a family who has a "sleeping" daughter. Folks start talking crazy to Jesus for some reason, as if he wasn't going to be able to do what he came to do - heal the young girl.

So he kicked em all out. Everyone except the family and the girl herself.

All the miscellaneous folks - they had to go.

Everyone talking noise - holla back. We're trying to focus here.

All the doubters, complainers, non believers and those without faith or encouragement - they didn't have to go home, but they had to get up out of here.

So the lesson for us was to be that in our lives, there are people who SERIOUSLY need to be out of our lives and especially our decision making processes.


REAL TALK Time

Who in you life needs to GO? Not just go, but GOOOOOOOO.

Some youngsters showed up to the party at one point, and we ain't playing that. They were told respectfully that they had to GO.

Some cops showed up, three of them in fact, talking bout a noise complaint (which may or may not have happened). One of them said nothing, one was decent enough, explained the situation and I personally asked him what did we need to do specifically. The cars had to get off the grass and the music had to come down, and that was it. The third bitch (you can tell I don't like him, eh?) decided he needed to not only repeat the entire conversation, but add some mumbo jumbo about even if these people bring their own liquor, if something happens we're responsible for yadda yadda yadda and how even though the music is down I can hear the people talking in the back yard from out front yadda yadda yadda. OK bitch cop, you have to GO. In this instance, you've got to GO means me saying "yeah I think we already covered that, if there's anything else we can do for you let us know. we're going to go get people to move their cars now". In other words, shut the fuck up and get off of my property. Even if its not my house. You've got to GO. Its clear you aren't going to shut the party down, nor can you really, and for reasons that would be clear if you knew the homeowner, I needed to be the negotiator with the police. BUT, if it were my house and I wasn't representing someone else's interests - I might've cussed him out. He's got to GO. If you don't know how to treat other adults, cop or no cop, we can get you jumped.

Moving on

Let's talk about your life. Not your dating life specifically, but we may get to that later.

Your "friends". Lets be real about this. How much space do you have for close friendships? 3 slots? 5? Everyone can't be your best buddy. At some point, you end up spending more time and energy with certain people than others. But do you have the right team in place for you? Do you have friends who will support you without enabling your darker side, challenge you to be better but not be overbearing or holier than thou, and do you actually like hanging out with them?

And that's at a minimum.

If you have friends that are always into some dumb shit, always needing to borrow money (and either pay back extremely slow or not at all), always got some new scheme they want to get you in on, always moving around, humping around or doing things that might look back on your reputation, they've got to GO.

It doesn't matter how long you've been friends. If the only reason you are friends with a particular person is time, as in you've been friends forever, then you might need to think about your emphasis on time.

Its not easy to make new friends, trust me I know. Most of my friends, I've had since college if not earlier. But I have added about 1 good, decent homie to the inner circle every year or two. I think I can say I have 5 tight friends from my 4+ years living in Houston. And about 10 or so more people I would also consider friends and not that dumb "associates" title, but I may not have spent as much time with.

Part of that is because I am a good friend. Check my stats. I'm not perfect by any means - I could probably tell you what my friends complain about in regards to me with 90% accuracy - but they continue to put up with me. That must mean I'm doing something right. People who I decided I didnt like anymore, I stopped putting up with them.

Friendship is important. Sometimes you will be in a situation, say when you move to a new city, where you are "friends" with someone you normally wouldn't be as tight with if you, or both of you, knew more people in that city. That's dangerous and you have to navigate those situations clearly. You don't want to start smoking weed all because your local best friend does when that's not something you're into. You don't want to start hitting the clubs and drinking till all hours of the night 4 nights a week just because you want someone to think you're cool.

It takes time to develop new friendships and even if you have similar interests to someone, you still have to pick the right folks.

And then there's the dating aspect of friendship.

There are very few, if any, TRULY Platonic friendships in the world. Most of the women I know are in fucking denial about this, and I always tell them not to get it twisted - most of their homeboys would smash. Not that they would TRY to, but if given the opportunity and a reasonable expectation that there'd be no supernegative repercussions, they'd do it. Its a solid FACT. Now, this can expire slowly over time, but its a very very slow process. I've explained it before. 3 years must pass where neither of you are dating someone else and you have opportunities to go there and you BOTH choose not to for it to qualify. If you are a woman, and you've known a man 3 years exactly, but you had a dude for 8 months, and he had a woman for a year, factoring in recovery time, I'd say you still have 2 years left to get to this fantasy land of fake platonicism.

All that to say, if you are a woman, and your new city friend is a guy...you know...awkward.

And if you're a man or a woman and your new friend is of the same gender... what happens when you like THE SAME TYPE of person of the opposite sex (or the same sex for those of you who are into that. Its all good)?

That can be very interesting. I have some homeboys who are fairly aggressive on the hollaring scale. I'm thinking of two in particular who just cannot go out with each other to the club without some sort of semi-incident popping off. One will pull a chick, the other will see him do it, and still double back to try to get her number later that night. That can end up extremely bad for a couple of reasons I don't really think I have to explain. But it doesn't really need to happen.

Temperment. Your friends need to have the right temperment for you to deal with them and vice versa.

These two guys aren't really "friends" they are hangout buddies, and their temperments dictate that's as far as it can go.

Its ok to have hangout-only friends, talk only friends or whatever, but you gotta make sure you're putting people in the right slots.

Everyone who isn't fit for duty...they've got to GO.

And for a quick REAL TALK application on the dating front... come on let's be real here... everyone reading this probably right now has an ex or a former jumpoff or "buddy" in their lives that really needs to be completely removed. Even if its rare that you deal with them, your time, energy, emotions and mental space are spent thinking about or dealing with this negative person who doesn't treat you right or doesn't show you any real interest. Why do you still allow this person in your life? What is it? Does she smell good? Can he cook or lay the pipe too well? Whatever it is, figure it out. Then stop acting like there's only one good cook or plumber on the block.

People always say, "oh I haven't found anyone else" but Dr Hak is a FIRM believer in having to take your medicine. Meaning - you might just have to be a little lonely to make sure you have space when the Right One shows up. Its called being emotionally available.

I know a young lady right now who is has allowed a relationship she didn't really want to continue far too long, and now she's going ring shopping with a guy she still doesn't like, two years later. But he spends so much money on her, the inner-digger can't get enough. Most dudes out here ain't trying to trick THAT type of dough on a chick who hasn't earned the treatment (that's why its called tricking), just like my homegirl who had a hard time figuring out what it meant when some guy she just met 3 weeks ago didn't want to buy her a plane ticket to come see her.

Men trick dough based on their income and their options. A man isn't spending money on one girl when he has 10 in his face he can either see for free or may even spend on him. Its called "The Game". Sometimes the Game is for you, sometimes its bites you in the ass. (That's why niggas shouldn't play games!)

That first situation I was talking about - I really feel for the dude on some levels. He's divorced and thought this new woman he met two years ago was the one. She is pretty and seems like everything his ex-wife isnt. He said he left his ex-wife because he was never really in love with her... well... now, if he wants to admit it to himself or not, he's in the reverse situation. Somehow he didn't notice that as long as he was paying for everything when they went out, he got her time of day. But what he didn't know, is that for the majority of their relationship, she was still going out on dates and having sex with other guys. Why is she leading him on like that? Because she doesn't think anyone else is going to provide those financial measures she wants. That's my best guess. Men have spent money on her before but at some point they've lost interest. (Dr Hak's going to go out on a limb here and say that's at the point where she finally has to give them sex. Perhaps said sex isn't the best in the world, and the guy, having got what he wanted after all that time and being disappointed, realizes he and his wallet can do better. It happens a lot, even when the money isn't involved. A guy will show all this interest until he actually gets the sex, then he's kinda done with the situation.) She may be right, but it could be far too late for her to realize that. What happens if he loses his job? Does she even care?

I'm not saying a woman shouldn't want to date a man who has enough money to take care of him and her. That's fine, if you pause for a second and realize that $60,000 has been enough money to feed a family of 5 forever and the rest is just lifestyle choices.
But if you date someone, or are attracted to someone just because he has money, well... you're the one who eventually is going to have to GO.

Its crazy out there, keep it REAL TALK.

Critically Acclaimed

My last post on Real Talk is, by far, the most critically acclaimed yet.

And by critically acclaimed, I mean two things. 1) people gave real props for the truth and 2) haters really tried to come at me.

It's like politics. When Obama is preparing to do something of consequence, the haters start fistfights at town hall meetings (over health care? really? what's there to fight about with that?).

I'd like to thank everyone who provided comments (in real life or online) and criticisms...and even hate hate hate.

I just wrote this entry here not to boast, but to give thanks to the people and as a space to get a few things straight

1) If you don't like what I have to say, the most likely reason is that it is because I struck a chord and you actually realize what I say applies DIRECTLY to you and you don't like it. Let's be real here, if I don't call you out by name or description, but my words piss you off (this happens) you must have heard something you don't want to hear. All because you don't like it doesn't mean its wrong. It's sad if you decide to discard good information - no matter the source - because you don't LIKE it.

Alternative versions of this point would be: I wrote something you have been told to your face before - it made you mad then and it made you mad now; I wrote something you don't understand - if that's the case, ask for clarification

2) Don't be passive aggressive with your comments. Yes, if you think I'm talking about you I 100% am. The next person to do this is getting called out by name.

3) I love women. The reason I write about, and to, women more than men is because women have so much more power in every romantic situation than they realize, and as the gender that's ALLEGEDLY more intelligent, it confuses me to see said intelligence superiority sacrificed in the name of trying to get a dude (who usually isn't shit anyway). I could write to dudes, but I already know how that would go. Men listen to older men they trust and their own experiences. That's about it.

4) If you think I'm wrong about something, don't be a lil ole bitch about it, speak up. Real Talk. I can be corrected with evidence... Please note I said EVIDENCE, not your opinion or emotions.

5) "Who the fuck is Dr Hak and what the hell does he know?" only shows that you aren't one of the people in the world who seeks the TRUTH. You seek information that agrees with your point of view instead of information that would force you to improve or change. Its 2010, let's get on this personal growth. No Fox News, pause.

6) Every single thing I write does not apply to EVERY single person out there. Come on, be serious. There are tons of great men and great women out there. Hell I'm with one right now. I don't generalize, I summarize. I'm talking to specific types of people at specific times.

When you read Real Talk, you need to do some introspection and see if what I'm saying applies to you in that particular case. Some women need (a lot) more help than others, some have the formula figured out. Usually, these are the women in long-term happy relationships. Strangely enough, these are the women who usually give me the most props. HMMMMMM.... If you are one of those single women who don't think they should be single, but also say dumb shit like "these men are intimidated by me" or have dumb rules like height and income requirements... your homegirls in happy relationships have told you a lot of the stuff I'm saying here and you don't listen to either of us... And you STILL complain. At some point, you decided the world was here to serve you and that some man out there was going to come through and do all these fabulous things for you without you having to EARN said treatment. You also probably decided you were an "8" or "9" when in fact, you may be a "6" on a good day. Or, you're a "9" in looks and a "3" in personality. Oh, it's true.

[That reminds me of a reallllly funny incident at a sushi bar one time, when I was consulting one of my fantastic homegirls who was having some men issues trying to see where her head was at. She's an "8" to be sure, but I had a feeling her esteem was a little low based on some evidence I had. So I asked her what she thought she was. I knew she'd say "6" and she did. Before I could continue, her fat, unattractive homegirl with gap teeth shouts out "UH UH, UH UH, THATS FUCKED UP YALL OVER HERE RATIN BITCHES"... She got told off. Hilarity ensued. Next time I saw her, she tried to be nice to me. "Please."]


7) Don't overdo it - I might need to make this a full entry, but when you read advice, here or elsewhere, you must be careful not to take it too far. Me saying "requiring a man to make $100,000" is stupid does not mean I think you should date a man who doesn't have his stuff together.

For the record - dismissing a guy by saying he's "short" is equivalent to a man dismissing a chick because "she ain't got no ass anyway". Nobody's perfect, not I and especially not you - so why demand perfection from others?

8) I can't save everyone - women who say they want one thing, but turn around and date a guy they aren't actually feeling for over a year because he liberally spends money on her... that's where the term "gold digger" comes from. I know a chick or two like that. I can't even write any more on that without it becoming a personal attack because its really sad and really whack. Men shouldn't use women, Women shouldn't use men. But you see it over and over. There are some differences, but its still userdom.

Men use women for sex. As in, if you were dating a girl, decided you don't want anything serious but she's still interested and willing to "perform"... the guy is likely to keep her around. Rarely will he tell her to step off as long as she's hooking him up with sex. That doesn't mean he'll change his mind and give her the relationship she seeks though. Thus, using. Even if he "told her straight up" he wasn't interested in a relationship. It's still using.

Women use men for material things more than sex (but sometimes sex too). A woman who isn't interested in a guy, might let him hang around if he does stuff for her - takes her out to eat, takes her on trips, buys her clothes. She'll say "oh I tried to tell him how I feel" but she didn't leave him alone - so she's a user. Happens all the time. All the while, this guy - one of the ones who actually is interested in a long term relationship, thus proving they exist - thinks he's making progress. But on the low, or even in his face, she's going around talking to ex's, giving out her number to new guys she finds more attractive, and then letting them get a chance to holla. That's not cool. Happens all the time though.

If you really want to be in a happy relationship, you have to end situations that aren't going to lead to one, even if you feel as if you're getting benefits (clothes, dinner, trips, "treatment", sex). You can't turn around and then say shit like "ain't no good men" out there or "all these men are intimidated" when you have a decent man trying to get in with you and you not feeling him but letting him put energy into you. That's how people get shot. Real Talk.

I Guess I'm Going to Have to Keep Repeating This

Ladies, ladies, ladies

I'm going to keep saying this until it sinks in.

Your attitudes are really really fucked up - REAL TALK.

A man is not going to be attracted to you because you have a bunch of degrees and a good job and a house - so stop associating the attainment of those things with "well now I should have a good man".

Men are very simple when it comes to women.

We want someone we get along with, who we find physically attractive. That's all.

If you have something to say about where we take you to dinner - problem. If you wanted something specific you should've said so.

If you feel like we should be spending exhorbent amounts of money on you because that somehow reflects some deeper level of whatever - WRONG. Men spend money on women because/if they CAN. A broke dude who spends his last dollar to do something for you probably is really into you, but no less or more than a broke dude who keeps that last dollar for his bills. One is a trick, one isn't.

Men who have a lot of cash to blow do stuff because it gets them the draws. Not because they think you are the one. Read that a few times so it sinks in.

If a man wants to be with you, his actions will show it, but it has nothing to do with how much cash he spends on you or anything like that...

I mean really, aren't you tired of being single? Don't you want to know what's REALLY on the minds of the brothers and what we are looking for? Well dammit, stop talking and start listening.

And I'm not talking about the listening where you wait to hear something you want to hear. I'm talking about shutting up and listening.

If a man isn't calling you consistently he's not that into you.

If a man doesn't tell you he loves you he does not.

If a man says he wants to be with you but his actions are flaky - he's got other options and he's telling you what you want to hear.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. I'm tired of all these chicks talking bout men are confusing. NO WE'RE REALLY NOT.

It comes down to this. If a man isn't doing what you think he should be, there are two options. 1. He's not doing it because he doesn't care enough. 2. Your expectations are all fucked up. And I mean ALLLLLLL fucked up.


The next woman I hear say something along the lines of "i got all my degrees and a job and these brothers are intimidated by me" is getting shot. (Not literally)


You might not be that cute.

Pause.


You want to date tall pretty boys but they keep playing you... well guess what - they're out of your league. Sorry.

Date a regular looking dude who shows some interest in you. Oh you're not attracted to him "like that". Well he's probably leave you for Stacey Dash or his tight ass ex girlfriend if given the chance too, so now you have something in common. Congratulations.



But what I really think I want to say today, is that your attitudes (and yeah this is going racial. Black women to black men) are absolutely - fucking - ridiculous.

You think all black men are out to play the field and you'll go on national tv and say as much, completely ignoring the fact that you yourself just said twenty dumb things that clearly show why you are single. You only date men who make more money than you (dumb) you only date guys of a certain height (dumb) you feel like a man should sweep you off your feet... my ninja what sweeping are you doing?

Do you have the Princess syndrome? Do you think a relationship is all about you? You think he's supposed to approach you, court you, spit game to you, take you out, and do all this stuff to get your attention, then he finally gets you and its more of the same? Pay for this pay for that. Get my hair done take me out buy me dinner. WHAT are you doing for him during all of this? Who is you? Are you a statue? Is he just supposed to do all this because you're cute?

Oh that's right, you don't want to be judged for your looks..

This is never going to stop...

But maybe for you individually, you can save yourself.

Look at yourself, look at how you treat men. What you expect from them... are you a bitch? Real talk - are you a bitch?

Question number two - do you do too much for ain't shit dudes? Are you so pressed to not be alone that you go way over the top for men who don't deserve it?

If the answer is yes to both of those, God Help you. If its just one, you can be SAVED.

Men like women who have their own minds. The money, job, education etc... those things are cool, and I don't even think all men articulate this correctly - a guy will tell you he wants a woman who has those things, but its really more of an indicator of good stock for his children. There are other ways to indicate that you have good genes other than being a PhD with a great job. Because if you're a jerk, or have a sense of entitlement or superiority - he's moving on.

And let me address one more thing during this ramble - that particular guy, you know the Dream McNugget or whatever his name was on that show - that guy - the tall one, with the education, the money, the six-pack, the nice car, the pearly white teeth and fly wardrobe - he doesn't fucking want you. This is the real world.

80/20 rule applies. You should probably aim for someone who has 80% of your WANTS and all of your NEEDS. But you really need to make sure those two lists are appropriate. Height is not a NEED its a WANT. Ambition and all that, you can put that in NEED. Totally different thing. Who wants to date a couch-ridden XBox 24-7 dude except...another dude like that? I get that. But you really need to get your expectations in line. Because you ain't that damn tight yourself otherwise...you'd...already...be...

Happy


Peace

Dickridin Obama

**This is a delayed vent, so I make no apologies for the foul language within**

I'm so glad The Boondocks is bringing this subject up...

(Click this link)




A couple of months ago, a pretty big deal was made out of a healthcare bill that passed both houses of Congress. All sorts of words were used to describe it - "historic" being the main one.

I disagreed.

I felt/feel that Barack Obama and his squad had settled for a single when a home run was achievable. Both houses of Congress and the White House are strongly controlled by Democrats and he had made it his top priority. So how did the public option disappear from the debate so soon? Why are at least 5% of Americans STILL going to be without healthcare when everything kicks in in 2014 (provided the Republicans who win office between now and then don't kill it off entirely)?

OR - how about I just use the words of Russell Simmons, since he's rich and you nigras seem to respect that type of stuff "They compromised on the public option way too soon".

Thank you rich Mr. Russell Simmons.

I extended my comments to say that I thought for Obama to make this his top priority for the number of months he's been focused on it and NOT get what he really wanted was absolutely ridiculous. AND I said that I don't think he's done enough since he's taken office. Because he fucking hasn't. He promised to address the treatment of our Veterans, Don't-ask-Don't-tell, Immigration, and education. Education has seen some attention. Some. The rest of that? Not so much. He has sent more troops to Afghanistan. I guess that's fine. Oh, and he's extended some Bush era liberty-restrictions in the name of counter terrorism. And he had a beer summit to settle a dispute between his boy and a racist Boston cop.


Suddenly, I was the recipient of personal attacks. Everything from Black Rush Limbaugh to a fucking idiot - well, let me say this to everyone who had something to say to me during that debate - "FUCK You".



This is the most ridiculous shit in the world. You niggas have been on Obama's dick for 3 years now and half of you don't even know what his job entails. He is the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. He chooses what happens next. Not the Republicans. Not the Tea Party. Not those dumb ass Democrats who should bow down to him and thank him for helping them retain or gain office in Fall 2008 by boosting turnout. HE DOES. Do you know what George W Bush got done when he got into office? Everything he wanted. He wanted to put out a huge tax cut for the rich... HE GOT IT.

All you new-to-following-politics chumps need to stay in your lane when Dr. Hak is talking, because right now y'all on that Fox News shit and you can all eat a dick. Yep, I'm still angry about it.

The problem I have with the whole situation is two-fold.

1) Don't talk to me like I am an Obama-hater because I just so happen to criticize him. That's my right. To support someone but also never criticize or critique their performance(s) is called being a "yes-man" and serves no purpose. That's the Fox News style and that's some bullshit. Remember when everyone who opposed the war in Iraq hated America and hated freedom? Yeeeeeaaaaah y'all on that but in reverse.

All or nothing.

With us or with them.

Etc, etc, etc.

The same thing happened early on in Barack's candidacy. He wasn't talking about shit. Sure enough, here come black people to shout me down about it. The dude admitted it himself. Oprah had to get him some spark. And then he "found his voice" and the rest is history. But even the other Democrats at some of the initial primary debates came up to him like "what the fuck is wrong with you? Get it together." These things happened. But let me say it, and I'm a bitch.... No - you're a bitch. Get off that bullshit.


Problem #2) If Barack Obama wasn't black NONE OF YOU NEGROES WOULD CARE ONE-TENTH as much as you do right now about ANYTHING he does... with the possible exception of his economic policies and the War if you know someone who gets deployed - for those you'd care about half as much.

Everything else - you just soooooo happy to have a black man in office that you wet yourself thinking about it.

And when I point this out - what happens? More of that "fuck Dr Hak" shit. Because I tell you the truth and you don't like it. Guess what. I'm gonna talk my shit. You are going to have to live with it. If you don't like it - stay the fuck away from my blog, my airspace and everything else. Real Talk - I'm not here to entertain your dumbasses, I'm here to speak the truth. African-Americans Black people treat Barack Obama like he can do no wrong and you do him NO favors when you do that.

I think he deserves a B or a B- for his first year and change in office. But not an A++++++++++++++ like all of you people who look foolish typing "I'm so proud of my president" in your facebook statuses everytime he's a press conference, and you have no idea what he just said. *spit* That disgusts me.

Keep this up, and I swear to guard I'm going to start putting up "F* Barack Obama" videos on YouTube to prove a point. Some of you might enjoy that...sick freaks. The rest of you should be very very afraid.

IF you want to talk politics, educate yourself and find out what's really going on. Supporting someone JUST because they are Black is the type of shit that holds us back as a people. That shit is crazy...

and you know what?

Barack is tight enough to get your support without that. But most of you will never understand that because I'm Dr Hak and I'm some some 3002 shit. It'll be 992 years before you understand anything I say. Whatthefuckever.

Peace Out.

He Should Feel Like Its His Idea

Occasionally, I get questions from the ladies about asking guys out, approaching men, proposing to men and the sort.

If you seek out information on these attempts to gain a man's favor, you'll find a range of options on whether or not they are good ideas.

I don't care to belabor those points, I'm here to tell you that when it comes to men, and making big decisions like proposing to you, or small ones like asking you out - its a really really REALLY good idea that he thinks it was something he wanted to do and therefore did it.

So what do you do when you see a guy you want to approach you? You use your powers of INFLUENCE.

If you're at a bar, or a club, and you want him to speak to you, you SMILE at him. I didn't say wave him over. If it's a little crowded and you're not sure you are going to be able to make any eye contact, go bump his ass. Move your circle of girls (hopefully not a wolfpack of 8) towards him and his crew and put yourself in a better position to make it happen.


As for the bigger things, getting a guy to ask you out who you actually speak to from time to time involves letting him know that if he were to ask you out, you wouldn't reject him. If he's thinking about it, but isn't a very aggressive guy or not sure what you'll say (or there are impediments such as you work together), he might hint at things without wanting to put himself all the way out there. If he doesn't, and he never flirts with you, then chances are he's not really trying to get at you.

The main reason you don't approach men, ask men out, propose to men, etc... is that you need to be sure he actually likes you. Unless you don't care about things like that.

Unless you actually want to force a man to marry you before he's ready, so then he resents you all because you had some specific age, date, time and place that you were going to get married and he was the guy you'd been dating for the past 2 years when the clock expired. Boo hiss.

Men don't look at marriage as some ala carte, find a good one and make it happen situation. Not in 2010 at least. We are looking for something special, comfortable, easy and long-lasting.

There does come a time where you, in a relationship with a man, can say that you have expectations about the direction of the relationship and a general timeframe or whatever. Like, twice. Not twice a week or twice a day. Twice ever. He heard you. If you really think your boyfriend isn't ever going to marry you, you might have to leave his ass. Otherwise, don't beat him over the head with the concept. Then he'll just resist because you're being pressed - he might not really be opposed to the idea, just wondering why it's SOOOOOOOOO important to you. And before you leave a comment telling me why its so important to you, guess what - it doesn't matter to him. Its his decision to propose, and he has to feel comfortable with it.

Marriage has higher stakes for men than women. Oh you don't believe me? I've got one word for you...

"Half"

Don't pretend like you don't know what that refers to. When a couple gets divorced, who has to give up "half", pay child support, and likely doesn't get custody but instead occasional visitation?

The man does. So don't act like its a simple decision for him. He wants to know that you aren't the type to put him through all that extra stuff, and that you are really a good fit to stay married. It takes time. Yeah, probably longer than you want it to take. But not always. You are allowed to ask your engaged and married homegirls for their advice. That's better than asking your single friends you club with who can't keep a man. Just saying.

OK, I hope I've allowed you to learn something about the psychology of a man.
To summarize - we don't like to be forced into decisions or backed into a corner - we like to feel like we "got" a good catch, so even if you really got him, at least let him think he had something to do with the getting... I think that's it for today.

Peace!

It's Not Supposed To Be Hard

You know when you first meet a guy/gal, and you think they're cute, and they are cool to talk to, but there's just a lot of extra stuff going on? Like drama? Like, they're married or have 3 baby mommas or slack jaw? And then everything is complicated and you're "dealing" with stuff and you just met them a few months ago but you stick it out because you like them?

Well GUESS WHAT... it's not supposed to be like that.

At all.

Ever.

And definitely not in the first 3 months.


If you meet a chick and she's drama within 90 days of meeting you, you shouldn't expect the drama to go away. That woman needs therapy dude. Not the Robin Thicke type either.


If you're "dating" a man who's in the process of getting a divorce, and he has all sorts of insecurity, issues, baggage and drama, you probably shouldn't expect that to magically go away once the divorced is finalized three years from now. Plus, how do you know he's not going to want to exercise his new found singleness for a bit.

If you're dating a young lady, and she WILDING OUT on a regular basis, then you find out you have a mutual friend of one of her ex's and the ex sends you a note saying he's praying for you to have strength... ... ... do I even have to explain what you need to do next??

If you're dealing with someone with substance abuse problems, new young children, mental health issues, or other problems - expecting those issues to go away or change, or that you can actually have some sort of effect or "help" them is a recipe for absolute, total and unconditional disaster.


Listen to Dr Hak for once...

It is not supposed to be THAT hard. Not off top. Every relationship requires work. But drama is for the movies.
"Work" is stuff like learning their likes, dislikes and quirks, and working out your schedules and communication styles.
"Drama" is getting calls, voicemails, emails and facebook interactions from ex's, finding out you're not the only one he's/she's having sex with (and raw at that), ...wait a minute, why am I explaining this. YOU KNOW WHAT DRAMA IS!!!


Let's take another angle for a second.

If within the first 6 months, you find yourself saying one of the following:

"well no one is in our relationship but us, so no one else understands"

OR

"i know I just met him but this is how i FEEL"

OR

"i'm hoping for the best"

OR

"s/he just needs my help and I'm trying to be there for her/him"


... you might be adding/allowing a degree of difficulty that isn't supposed to be there.


"No one understands" is probably the most defensive, dumbest shit you can say to a friend who is trying to find out what you got going on. That's one of those things you throw out there to let people know not to ask you - and people typically only do that when they know that whatever questions they would get asked are things they don't really want to answer/admit to.

At the end of the day, you can't just date someone because you think they're cute or you like them. You can get that anywhere. You're supposed to be trying to find someone special, someone you can build a real bond and future with. Not someone who baby mama drama, problems, issues, and other things that you yourself don't bring to the table.


There are lots of fish in the sea. Always has been. Always will be. There is not a shortage of good men of any race.

There are people out there that you DON'T have to go through a trial by fire with right after meeting them just to get to some happy place that may or may not exist.


Look, I know being lonely sucks, and yeah it might take a while to find the right one, but really - just wait your turn. Spend some time improving you. We all need self improvement. Work on you for a while. Hang out with your friends you tend to ignore when you're all up under somebody.

Why risk unwanted pregnancy, emotional baggage, financial repercussions, and not being available when you find The One over some fleeting, temporary situation? ... and you know damn well that if you are dealing in anything remotely similar to the above situations WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET, that you aren't going to marry that fool. Come on son. Keep it real with yourself, for yourself. Life is too short.

A Man's Criteria for Commitment

Getting a man to commit to you isn't nearly as hard as it seems.

First and foremost, I know you're already thinking of men who didn't commit to you in the past. Well, that's not a bad place for you draw reference, but let's be solution oriented and future-focused here.

2nd, if you're thinking about some scrub/player/loser dude and wondering why he won't commit and hoping you'll find the answers in this entry - you won't. This list is for real brothers only.


I reserve the right to add to this list of REAL TALK Criteria that must be in place before a man can commit to you.

1. Himself

A man has to be in a place mentally and spiritually where he even finds the prospect of a relationship appealing. You can usually find out if a man is interested in being in a relationship by ASKING. You may need to read between the lines, and make sure you don't ask at dumb times such as before or after sex, or when he's doing something (watching the game, at work, etc.)

He also has to feel as if his career/side-hustle/stability are in place, or on the way to being in a place he wants. If you are trying to get a man with no job and two separate child support payments to be your one-and-only...well... well, you may have other issues than commitment to start with but you're also barking up the wrong tree

2. You Need to Have your Basic Sh*t Together

There's nothing more frustrating than dealing with a woman who doesn't believe in herself. Most men over 25 have dealt with women who have low self-esteem and its not fun. If you base some or all of your self worth on your current level of career success or education (or lack thereof), your dude will pick up on that. He may be willing to help you rise, but that's if you need a hand up, not a ladder.

In plain terms, if you feel some kind of way about being unemployed, you are going to give vibes off to your would-be man that he doesn't want. If you haven't finished all of your college classes and constantly talk about yourself in the way that insecure people tend to do (name dropping, saying whatever else you got going for you to make yourself sound important, talking down on the accomplishments themselves as if you really didn't want them, etc.) he'll pick up on that.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just started taking those classes again instead of wondering if he'll leave you for a chick with a PhD? Her having more degrees probably is not actually a tiebreaker, but if you keep bringing it up it will be.

Other parts of "basic sh*t" include - pay your bills on time. Be a good mother if you have kids. Take care of your siblings and parents. Take care of your obligations. Handle your business at work.


3. You Have to be Trophy Material / He Needs to Be Able to Show You Off

OK, all wives are trophy wives. I read that somewhere and it's true.Go ahead and get mad, I'll wait until you're over it...

Why would I want to be with you if I can't show you off proudly to my peoples (homeboys, co-workers, family, ex's, haters)?

This isn't strictly about looks either. That would be a bad assumption on your part if you made it. Looks is only one thing, and there are only so many dimes to go around. No, you get shown off when you dress well, can hold a conversation, have a respectable job, know how to act, can talk about sports a lil' bit... that type of stuff.

I want to be able to take you places without feeling like I have to rescue you every 5 minutes. You can improve if you are lacking in this area. Get some hobbies, do some research on that stuff he's always talking about. Get some damn social skills.

I've heard this point said other places as "I want a woman I can take to the boardroom or the hood", but I think that's a pretty f-ing stupid way of making the point.

4. People Important to Him Need to Think You're Not Whack

Very similar to #3, but much more intimate. There are anywhere from zero to 8 people in his life with veto power (let's call it "pause power" instead) over your relationship. If it's zero, why are you with such an anti-social weirdo? If it's 8, that's a lot of people who are going to be present in your relationship. Let's look at someone with about 4. His best male friend, his best female friend, his mom, his dad. (Not always the list, I felt I should clarify that) You're going to meet these people (unless you're a jump-off). Be respectful, but also be yourself. Remember the things your significant other said about them and bring it up in conversation when appropriate. Also know he's going to talk about you, so try not to do dumb shit he's going to have to vent about and tell them. That's not good for business.

Anyway, the point here is, if the people who have been around longer than you universally hate you, being with you represents a pretty lonely, isolated life. That's not usually a good thing.


5. He Needs To View You As Irreplaceable or Rare In Some Specific Way

Probably the most important item on this list.

This can play out a number of ways. I've personally committed to or considered committing to women who:
1) looked way better than the majority of women I'd pulled to that point
2) were much smarter than most of the women I'd pulled to that point
3) were much more generous than the women I'd dated to that point
4) were much more liberated in bed...
5) I had much better natural chemistry with...

You get the point. If he can't say "you're so much more *blank* than I'm used to dealing with", you may not really be adding anything to his life. So if he were to not be with you, what would be missing from his life?

I've said this before, you need to know what it is a man sees in you that makes him consider you special. If he can't articulate it, and you can't articulate it for him, well... you may not be in a situation that can blossom into something else.

6. He Has to Like You

Like YOU, who you are, right now, today, not who you might become. He acts like he likes you if he likes you


7. You Have to Like Him (and Show It)

HIM, who he is, right now, today, not some "potential" him you decided in your head or the "one day" him in his hopes and dreams that may or may not be realized. You need to enjoy being around him and talking to him and spending time with him.

8. He Needs to be Free-and-Clear of Other Potential Wives/Girlfriends

This one is trickier for you to navigate. If a man is still hung up on his ex, he'll talk about her often. That's not a good thing. You probably won't hear about some of his other "options" or potential options. This is why you have to pay attention to his actions. If he's into you, but wondering what's going to happen with some other new situation, his actions will show it.


9. He Has To See The Potential For Growth

Two things. If you don't live in the same city and circumstances are such that you will "never" be in the same city, that's not leaving room for growth, even if everything else is "right".

The other thing - growth is just that. Growing together. He has to look at you and see you fitting into his future in some way. If you're not in his future plans, he's not considering committing to you.


10. He Needs To Feel Emotionally Safe With You

The ridiculous stigma that men are less emotional than women, or that our emotions aren't as important to us as womens' are to them holds back our society, I swear it.

A man will not commit to a woman he doesn't feel like he can talk to without being judged/harassed/nagged.

A man will not commit to a woman who doesn't give him the emotional support that HE needs. Men are not all one size fits all. Every man can't be told to "toughen up" when times get tough. Every man doesn't need to get out of the house when times get tough. You need to learn your man and pay attention to HIS specific emotional needs if you want him to commit to you.

Good COMMUNICATION falls under #10.



Ok, that's all I've got. Please add anything I missed in the comments section...

5 Steps to Getting a Good Man

This plan is foolproof, by the way. There are a couple of pre-requisites, I should say. As in, be over your ex's, be emotionally available, actually want to be in a real relationship and not be scared or not ready for the consequences of such...

1. Make yourself available to be met. That means get out the damn house, don't travel in packs larger than 4. 3 is the correct number.

2. Be nice to guys who approach you. Don't turn down anyone for contact info based on looks unless he's U-G-L-Y. Don't ask for his number unless he's comically shy.

3. Stop dealing with him if warning signs pop up. You know what warning signs are. If you don't, your male friends will interpret for you (except the ones who are trying to get at you).

4.Decide if he's worth your time within 3 dates or 6 weeks. Be upfront and let him know of your decision to not romantically date him if you decide he's not right for you romantically. If he disagrees, he gets one more date if you feel like it. Just one.

5. Act right. Show interest in the things he's interested in. Hook him up. Honor his requests as often as he honors yours.

We'll Be Back After These Messages

There may not be a lot of posts here at Real Talk over the next few days. My 30th Birthday is Wednesday and I've got a business trip I need to prepare for (A 50 page case study! Real Talk???) I have some stuff I'm working on for next week though, so have no fear lovers of the truth! Plus, who knows, I might just change my mind... Until then, I'm off to focus.

-Dr Hak

I've Got Your Back St. Valentine

I am not going to sit here and let all you single, disgruntled, and romantically challenged people talk mess about my favorite day of the year without a peep.

REAL TALK - all of you who hate on Valentine's Day do so at your own peril when Dr. Hak is in the building.

What other day can you easily identify who is, and is not available for you to get at without too much brain wrestling? What other day can you get guaranteed birthday-style sex if you're in a relationship? What other day is dedicated to people appreciating someone else? Christmas is just about gifts. Thanksgiving is about turkey and football now. Valentine's Day is, and always will be, about Love.

Love. The one thing that will never leave this Earth as long as humans are on it. In theory, all Christains could be wiped from the planet in a plague. Christmas will be forgotten. Thanksgiving is an American only holiday. China will destroy us soon, right? (No - they will not). What's President's Day for when America goes to the Monarch system?

Love will be around forever.

Don't let old situations cloud your view of love.

And don't sit here pretending like you don't want to be in a strong, healthy, loving relationship ONE DAY.

And REALLY stop fronting like you don't F with V-day like that because you happen to not have a Valentine THIS YEAR when you know if you had one you'd be relatively excited to find out where you were going for dinner/what he was going to get you/what she is going to wear that night.

It's disingenuous, flawed, and fake to hate on Valentine's Day because of your CURRENT situation.

You want a Valentine? You want someone to love you for all your greatness and glory. OK then, do this... SHOW LOVE.

SHOW LOVE TO GET LOVE.

That's what it takes.

You're a good looking woman, but you have a nasty attitude. Fired.
You're a good dude, but you are stingy with these "golddigging" females. No one likes a cheapskate.

Show love to get love. It's that simple.

I blog to show love. And guess what I get in return? That's right, love. Everytime someone says "read this", that's showing love. And I sincerely appreciate it.

I love you too.


Next Valentine's Day is 362 days away. You have time to get it right.

Do You Just Like To Complain,.. or Are You Ready?

A lot of people are not really ready for what they say they want. Relationships, family, Career, Entrepreneurship, getting money, etc.

They say they want to meet someone, but they haven't taken stock of their internal devices to figure out if they're really ready to be in a healthy relationship. Do you think your daddy issues/trust issues/baggage will magically disappear or you'll find just the man with the exact amount of patience to deal with your bullshit? Silly Rabbit. Admit it to yourself that you need help, if no one else, and head to therapy. It's a good thing.

I'm down with the Urban League Professionals and came up with an idea to have a quality discussion around Black Love...a SOLUTION driven panel discussion. (A discussion I won't even be at because of a job interview. I really want the gig so it's all good...kinda, lol) I've been in the room too many times where people...yes I'm talking about women... start screaming and hollaring about their ex's and what not, while all I can think of is "of course he cheated on you, you're kind of a bitch". Fear not, I didn't say these things outloud. There's "Real Talk" and then there's "real good ways to start a fist fight".

Regardless, you have to really look internally when it comes to the things you want in life.

AM I REALLY READY?

DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE SACRIFICES NEEDED?

WHAT AM I NOT DOING THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING?

WHAT AM I GOING TO HAVE TO CUT OUT OF MY LIFE TO BE SUCCESSFUL?

Let's skip relationships for a second and go to owning your own business. This is a personal goal for Dr. Hak.

Am I really ready to own my own business? - Probably 50% Yes, 50% No. As far as wanting to - yes. But I feel as if I do not have the correct concept or idea to pursue. I tend to go all-in on certain types of things and I need a business I can go all in on and really focus on. Otherwise I'd just be going through the motions, part of why I don't plan on returning to corporate America. I really don't care about making other people rich. I need a business that I care about the product we put out. As good as a chef as I am, I don't really think food is the answer.

Do I have what it takes to own my own business - Yes, definitely. There are things I am going to have to improve, however. Picking employees is not something I will be able to do without help. I'll need to get help picking good managers/supervisors as well. Let's say I opened a sports bar. Jasiri's been bartending for a minute, so I can at least ask him to help me pick someone if he didn't want to do it. Same thing for a club. My boy James would give me some advice if I wanted to get into it.
The fact that I've even considered these things shows I'm resourceful and think about things in advance. Something good for someone who owns a business.
As far as the sacrifices go, I already mentioned I can be very focused when I am interested in something. I don't think I'd have a problem sacrificing certain things. Time with my kids (future kids, thank you) is not something I'd sacrifice however. So I'd expect to have them at the shop with me a lot.

What am I not doing? - I'm not doing a lot of research, meeting bankers, finding a good accountant, scouting locations, etc. This is because, as I said earlier, I'm not in possession of a concept or idea I'm ready to run with. Those things would change in a hurry.

What will I have to stop doing? - Stay up until 4:14AM blogging when I have to open the shop in a few hours. Wilding. Blogging (unless its $ related). Partying. Traveling all the time, etc.


OK that's my inventory for opening a biz. If you're tired of complaining about the things you DON'T have in life and want to really start getting at them, start your own inventory and see what you come up with. Then start. START. Believe in yourself while accepting criticism and thanking haters for their input. You know who your haters are, so don't let them hold you back from what you really want. Don't let your bitter ass homegirl with the bad attitude keep you from going out with that nice guy you just met. Don't let the cat with two kids and no cash tell you about his washed up dreams and how you should just get a job if you don't want to have "just" a job. If you want kids, look at your life and think about what you'll have to change to fit them into your life (hint: stay out the clubs for a while).

That's it for now. Enjoy your day!

-Dr Hak