Go Get It

There's an epidemic in America right now. Women, right now - I mean RIGHT NOW - are in long distance relationships with good men who they want to marry... but refuse to move where the man is until they get a ring.

*GASP* The horror!

I promise you, this epidemic is real. And its getting worse everyday.

Somehow, these young ladies have gotten really really bad advice. They think that putting an ultimatum on a man will... want to make him marry her more? Think she's the one? Open his bank account and start cutting her checks?

I don't know which one of those these women think men are going to do when painted into a corner but I know what they WILL do - not what you want them to.

You see, a man is a man. Men be men. Men doith menish things.

If your man of many years says "come where I am" and your response is to ask for a circular piece of metal, he should look at you just like you are Frodo or Gollum going after The One Ring - what is wrong with you?

You see some more of that bad advice is floating around out there that has told these women that a man isn't serious until he gives you a ring. Well, technically rings are expensive, so there's this period between him deciding to get the ring and actually being able to give it to you, during which - if he were to say "well i'm saving up for it" you'd start fucking talking crazy to him.

Matter of fact, I got a homegirl I love to death getting married later this fall who nearly mucked her situation up worrying about all the future talk her man was giving her. Talking bout "I ain't seeing no progress" and saying she was sick of discussing marriage plans and future plans if he wasn't going to give her a ring. A piece of shitty not-really-platinum metal. Some stainless steel. Basically a steak knife.

If her man didn't give her a steak knife soon, she was gonna flip. As a matter of fact, she started doing dumb stuff like having conversations with bad-news ex boyfriends to see if the waters were still warm.

All this... WHILE she had a man talking serious relationship to her. Well which one is it? Do you want a man who is going to try to be serious or one who plays around? Here you have a dude you like telling you its going down, and you in a hurry because your 30th is coming up? Get It Together, Grouch.

Did I mention that in advance, he had told her "by the end of the year" and instead of waiting until Jan 1 to complain, she just started complaining in advance - like she expected him to let her down. Maybe that was more about her experiences getting let down by men than her situation with him, but it was bad, bad, bad for business, and it could've gone downhill if certain people weren't around to give her real talk.

Luckily, that story has a happy ending. He proposed on New Year's Eve - DUH!

But what about the long-distance gals and guys, Dr Hak?

Well, its simple. If you want to be with someone - move to be with them. Especially if your job situation is less lucrative and has less future potential than theirs (this goes for guys and gals). If she lives in one of your "oh hell naw" cities, provide a legitimate compromise. Make it happen though.

Don't be that girl who dated a guy for 5 years and passed up all her other options waiting for a ring that didn't come - or rather, would have come but she started making demands.

Men do not negotiate with terrorists. Real Talk - do you even want a man who responds to ultimatums? Is that any way to start an engagement? Is it more about getting married than about getting married to the right person the right way?

Get it the fuck together.

This thing about "I need a ring first" is the dumbest thing on earth. Tell me what that ring REALLY represents? Commitment? Nope - its his way of cockblocking on you. THATS ALL.

Easy example - there are married men who cheat. There are engaged men who cheat. There are boyfriends who are faithful. Two of these types of men have provided rings, but are still doing whatever. So tell me again, what does the ring REALLY represent?

If you have open and honest dialogue with your significant other, you should know if you have a stable situation and a solid commitment.

And, since this is Dr Hak's Real Talk blog, I'll just put it to you like this

Fellas - do you want your long distance girlfriend to get drunk and smash some dude at the club because you never come to town... and don't live there? No - you do not.

Ladies - do you want your man to fill his idle time with chicks who don't care he has a girl? No you do not. You want to start a family.

If your goals are XYZ, don't start doing ABC because some divorced 50 year old woman told you it was a good idea, or "that's what I would do".

Relationships are about compromise. There are plenty of situations where the guy is the one that should do the moving. But today I'm talking to the ladies. Because its an epidemic.

Then the other night I met a lady who was cured. Not only cured, but a pioneer in Ring Disease treatment and research. She moved from DC to ATLANTA because thats where her man was. He didn't give her a ring before she moved... but she figured out that she wasn't about to get one if she didn't leave ("so what you're saying is, I could give you a ring, then you'll come to Atlanta, or I can not, still be single (every person/human not married IS single) and you can stay wherever you are while I hang out at Atlanta Station and Strokers every weekend?... ... ... Let me think about that for a second")

The result? They were able to develop their relationship and she got her ring and her man. They are now married and doing well. Is moving always going to work out? Hell no. But usually it was clear it wasn't going to work out BEFORE the move. I'm not saying to move to be with someone you don't have a solid situation with. No - NEVER.

I'm saying that the ring itself is NOT what indicates that you have a man who's really about YOU. You need to know what situation you are in. One where material signals mean things, or one where you know, trust, and love each other to make it happen. Love doesn't need rings. If your man or woman is waiting on you to come get this loving - Go Get It.



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Oh yeah, one more thing.

In the event that you do move to me with your man/woman - and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that it wasn't a good idea for you to go. Would you prefer to go the rest of your life wondering? There are few times where you get great reward with minimal risk. Relationships isn't one of them. You can always move back (yes... you can)