Can someone please leave a comment and explain why having a "sponsor" is 1)OK, 2)any different than prostitution?
Thanks,
Dr. Hak
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Maybe You Don't Really Want a Relationship
I talk enough, so I'm going to leave this topic to the readers of REAL TALK to have your say after a few words - so please, leave a comment for ole Dr. Hak
Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.
Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...
...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.
Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.
Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.
Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.
...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.
Discuss.
Perhaps the real reason you are single is not because you can't find a man/woman on your level, is not because all men are dogs/women are golddiggers, is not because of timing or anything else.
Perhaps you think your 50-item "list" is reasonable, perhaps you push people away who would actually qualify as a "good catch" as soon as you find something small wrong with them, and perhaps you blow little incidents way out of proportion BECAUSE...
...deep down inside, you do not ACTUALLY WANT to be in a long term relationship.
Perhaps you equate a long-term relationship with a lack of freedom you have grown accustomed to, with a change in lifestyle you aren't willing to make, or you don't want kids and know that most people of the opposite sex do. Perhaps your parents got divorced and you think marriage can't work, perhaps your parents stayed together and you saw some pretty nasty treatment get passed back and forth (or in one direction while the other mate tried their hardest to show love) and you want no parts of that. Perhaps you think you are a piece of shit on some level and don't want anyone caught up in your mess, or feel you don't deserve to be happy, or have secrets you don't really want to share.
Perhaps you just don't trust that someone can love you for you.
Perhaps these, or other observations have instilled a level of fear in your heart that you haven't really dealt with or truly acknowledged and so the only relationship you'll walk into willingly is the "perfect" one, and you know deep down inside nothing is perfect.
...but you still SAY you are looking for a relationship because you kinda sorta are, or because its the socially acceptable thing to say (especially as a woman) or because you have to say that to your family.
Discuss.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Apologize
The art of apology - an ancient craft lost to the American population in the mid 1990's, formerly used to express regret, now used only to pretend to be sorry about something during press conferences forced upon one by their bosses and/or sponsors.
Sometimes we all make mistakes, and one of the hardest things to do when one makes a mistake is to issue a sincere apology. In keeping it real, I refuse to accept any apology that comes my way that is not clearly genuine. I also do not issue apologies by virtue of one being requested - I must feel from within that a mistake was made on my part to issue an apology. This isn't common, but its the way I roll.
Phony, weak, and insincere apologies only make the given situation worse. Lets say I were to be wrong about something, and "apologized" to the harmed party just because. Not only does this person know the apology is fake, it could perhaps insult their intelligence. The issue will be no more resolved, and a whole new layer of the fight will be added if the "that apology wasn't even real" statement is made. Nothing is accomplished, and now everyone is mad.
Apologizing has more benefits than to the immediate situation - it shows maturity, thoughtfulness, and self reflection. It also requires those same traits, which may explain why TRUE apologies are so hard to come by, and so rare - even in the public arena. You know what I mean - let's use celebrity apologies. You can feel the difference between someone who issues a statement expressing some level of regret that the situation occurred and someone who really feels like they fucked up and don't want to let it happen again. It's not even hard to see the differences.
Away from the public arena, your personal life is more important. How do you feel when you receive a half-hearted apology when someone does you dirty? Or no apology at all, ninjas just keep it moving like nothing is wrong. It's a pretty crummy feeling, huh? Well, think about your trespasses...
Do you owe anyone an apology? Chances are you do. Don't be stubborn about it...keep it REAL
Sometimes we all make mistakes, and one of the hardest things to do when one makes a mistake is to issue a sincere apology. In keeping it real, I refuse to accept any apology that comes my way that is not clearly genuine. I also do not issue apologies by virtue of one being requested - I must feel from within that a mistake was made on my part to issue an apology. This isn't common, but its the way I roll.
Phony, weak, and insincere apologies only make the given situation worse. Lets say I were to be wrong about something, and "apologized" to the harmed party just because. Not only does this person know the apology is fake, it could perhaps insult their intelligence. The issue will be no more resolved, and a whole new layer of the fight will be added if the "that apology wasn't even real" statement is made. Nothing is accomplished, and now everyone is mad.
Apologizing has more benefits than to the immediate situation - it shows maturity, thoughtfulness, and self reflection. It also requires those same traits, which may explain why TRUE apologies are so hard to come by, and so rare - even in the public arena. You know what I mean - let's use celebrity apologies. You can feel the difference between someone who issues a statement expressing some level of regret that the situation occurred and someone who really feels like they fucked up and don't want to let it happen again. It's not even hard to see the differences.
Away from the public arena, your personal life is more important. How do you feel when you receive a half-hearted apology when someone does you dirty? Or no apology at all, ninjas just keep it moving like nothing is wrong. It's a pretty crummy feeling, huh? Well, think about your trespasses...
Do you owe anyone an apology? Chances are you do. Don't be stubborn about it...keep it REAL
Monday, May 3, 2010
You Ain't Got to Go Home...
So this past weekend, Los Senors threw a successful 4th Annual Cinco de Mayo Pool and Fight Party - attended by well over 250 people. Don't ever let anyone tell you Dr. Hak doesn't know how to throw a party.
A good time was had by and, and then at some point, it was time for people to go, I needed sleep and I think I damaged my foot. Don't ask how, it just really REALLY hurt.
Anyway, despite taking 7 shots of Patron / 1800 / Hornitos, Dr Hak did in fact make it to the TEN O'clock service on Sunday morning. I miss my old church. I'm glad I did and I wanted to share the message with all of you because it applies to the Real Talk principles I try to put out there for The People and all of my wonderful Fans.
Don't worry heathens, I won't make this a religious thing or start quoting scripture on you. But for everyone else, please turn to Luke, Chapter 8.
In this story, Jesus comes to the aid of a family who has a "sleeping" daughter. Folks start talking crazy to Jesus for some reason, as if he wasn't going to be able to do what he came to do - heal the young girl.
So he kicked em all out. Everyone except the family and the girl herself.
All the miscellaneous folks - they had to go.
Everyone talking noise - holla back. We're trying to focus here.
All the doubters, complainers, non believers and those without faith or encouragement - they didn't have to go home, but they had to get up out of here.
So the lesson for us was to be that in our lives, there are people who SERIOUSLY need to be out of our lives and especially our decision making processes.
REAL TALK Time
Who in you life needs to GO? Not just go, but GOOOOOOOO.
Some youngsters showed up to the party at one point, and we ain't playing that. They were told respectfully that they had to GO.
Some cops showed up, three of them in fact, talking bout a noise complaint (which may or may not have happened). One of them said nothing, one was decent enough, explained the situation and I personally asked him what did we need to do specifically. The cars had to get off the grass and the music had to come down, and that was it. The third bitch (you can tell I don't like him, eh?) decided he needed to not only repeat the entire conversation, but add some mumbo jumbo about even if these people bring their own liquor, if something happens we're responsible for yadda yadda yadda and how even though the music is down I can hear the people talking in the back yard from out front yadda yadda yadda. OK bitch cop, you have to GO. In this instance, you've got to GO means me saying "yeah I think we already covered that, if there's anything else we can do for you let us know. we're going to go get people to move their cars now". In other words, shut the fuck up and get off of my property. Even if its not my house. You've got to GO. Its clear you aren't going to shut the party down, nor can you really, and for reasons that would be clear if you knew the homeowner, I needed to be the negotiator with the police. BUT, if it were my house and I wasn't representing someone else's interests - I might've cussed him out. He's got to GO. If you don't know how to treat other adults, cop or no cop, we can get you jumped.
Moving on
Let's talk about your life. Not your dating life specifically, but we may get to that later.
Your "friends". Lets be real about this. How much space do you have for close friendships? 3 slots? 5? Everyone can't be your best buddy. At some point, you end up spending more time and energy with certain people than others. But do you have the right team in place for you? Do you have friends who will support you without enabling your darker side, challenge you to be better but not be overbearing or holier than thou, and do you actually like hanging out with them?
And that's at a minimum.
If you have friends that are always into some dumb shit, always needing to borrow money (and either pay back extremely slow or not at all), always got some new scheme they want to get you in on, always moving around, humping around or doing things that might look back on your reputation, they've got to GO.
It doesn't matter how long you've been friends. If the only reason you are friends with a particular person is time, as in you've been friends forever, then you might need to think about your emphasis on time.
Its not easy to make new friends, trust me I know. Most of my friends, I've had since college if not earlier. But I have added about 1 good, decent homie to the inner circle every year or two. I think I can say I have 5 tight friends from my 4+ years living in Houston. And about 10 or so more people I would also consider friends and not that dumb "associates" title, but I may not have spent as much time with.
Part of that is because I am a good friend. Check my stats. I'm not perfect by any means - I could probably tell you what my friends complain about in regards to me with 90% accuracy - but they continue to put up with me. That must mean I'm doing something right. People who I decided I didnt like anymore, I stopped putting up with them.
Friendship is important. Sometimes you will be in a situation, say when you move to a new city, where you are "friends" with someone you normally wouldn't be as tight with if you, or both of you, knew more people in that city. That's dangerous and you have to navigate those situations clearly. You don't want to start smoking weed all because your local best friend does when that's not something you're into. You don't want to start hitting the clubs and drinking till all hours of the night 4 nights a week just because you want someone to think you're cool.
It takes time to develop new friendships and even if you have similar interests to someone, you still have to pick the right folks.
And then there's the dating aspect of friendship.
There are very few, if any, TRULY Platonic friendships in the world. Most of the women I know are in fucking denial about this, and I always tell them not to get it twisted - most of their homeboys would smash. Not that they would TRY to, but if given the opportunity and a reasonable expectation that there'd be no supernegative repercussions, they'd do it. Its a solid FACT. Now, this can expire slowly over time, but its a very very slow process. I've explained it before. 3 years must pass where neither of you are dating someone else and you have opportunities to go there and you BOTH choose not to for it to qualify. If you are a woman, and you've known a man 3 years exactly, but you had a dude for 8 months, and he had a woman for a year, factoring in recovery time, I'd say you still have 2 years left to get to this fantasy land of fake platonicism.
All that to say, if you are a woman, and your new city friend is a guy...you know...awkward.
And if you're a man or a woman and your new friend is of the same gender... what happens when you like THE SAME TYPE of person of the opposite sex (or the same sex for those of you who are into that. Its all good)?
That can be very interesting. I have some homeboys who are fairly aggressive on the hollaring scale. I'm thinking of two in particular who just cannot go out with each other to the club without some sort of semi-incident popping off. One will pull a chick, the other will see him do it, and still double back to try to get her number later that night. That can end up extremely bad for a couple of reasons I don't really think I have to explain. But it doesn't really need to happen.
Temperment. Your friends need to have the right temperment for you to deal with them and vice versa.
These two guys aren't really "friends" they are hangout buddies, and their temperments dictate that's as far as it can go.
Its ok to have hangout-only friends, talk only friends or whatever, but you gotta make sure you're putting people in the right slots.
Everyone who isn't fit for duty...they've got to GO.
And for a quick REAL TALK application on the dating front... come on let's be real here... everyone reading this probably right now has an ex or a former jumpoff or "buddy" in their lives that really needs to be completely removed. Even if its rare that you deal with them, your time, energy, emotions and mental space are spent thinking about or dealing with this negative person who doesn't treat you right or doesn't show you any real interest. Why do you still allow this person in your life? What is it? Does she smell good? Can he cook or lay the pipe too well? Whatever it is, figure it out. Then stop acting like there's only one good cook or plumber on the block.
People always say, "oh I haven't found anyone else" but Dr Hak is a FIRM believer in having to take your medicine. Meaning - you might just have to be a little lonely to make sure you have space when the Right One shows up. Its called being emotionally available.
I know a young lady right now who is has allowed a relationship she didn't really want to continue far too long, and now she's going ring shopping with a guy she still doesn't like, two years later. But he spends so much money on her, the inner-digger can't get enough. Most dudes out here ain't trying to trick THAT type of dough on a chick who hasn't earned the treatment (that's why its called tricking), just like my homegirl who had a hard time figuring out what it meant when some guy she just met 3 weeks ago didn't want to buy her a plane ticket to come see her.
Men trick dough based on their income and their options. A man isn't spending money on one girl when he has 10 in his face he can either see for free or may even spend on him. Its called "The Game". Sometimes the Game is for you, sometimes its bites you in the ass. (That's why niggas shouldn't play games!)
That first situation I was talking about - I really feel for the dude on some levels. He's divorced and thought this new woman he met two years ago was the one. She is pretty and seems like everything his ex-wife isnt. He said he left his ex-wife because he was never really in love with her... well... now, if he wants to admit it to himself or not, he's in the reverse situation. Somehow he didn't notice that as long as he was paying for everything when they went out, he got her time of day. But what he didn't know, is that for the majority of their relationship, she was still going out on dates and having sex with other guys. Why is she leading him on like that? Because she doesn't think anyone else is going to provide those financial measures she wants. That's my best guess. Men have spent money on her before but at some point they've lost interest. (Dr Hak's going to go out on a limb here and say that's at the point where she finally has to give them sex. Perhaps said sex isn't the best in the world, and the guy, having got what he wanted after all that time and being disappointed, realizes he and his wallet can do better. It happens a lot, even when the money isn't involved. A guy will show all this interest until he actually gets the sex, then he's kinda done with the situation.) She may be right, but it could be far too late for her to realize that. What happens if he loses his job? Does she even care?
I'm not saying a woman shouldn't want to date a man who has enough money to take care of him and her. That's fine, if you pause for a second and realize that $60,000 has been enough money to feed a family of 5 forever and the rest is just lifestyle choices.
But if you date someone, or are attracted to someone just because he has money, well... you're the one who eventually is going to have to GO.
Its crazy out there, keep it REAL TALK.
A good time was had by and, and then at some point, it was time for people to go, I needed sleep and I think I damaged my foot. Don't ask how, it just really REALLY hurt.
Anyway, despite taking 7 shots of Patron / 1800 / Hornitos, Dr Hak did in fact make it to the TEN O'clock service on Sunday morning. I miss my old church. I'm glad I did and I wanted to share the message with all of you because it applies to the Real Talk principles I try to put out there for The People and all of my wonderful Fans.
Don't worry heathens, I won't make this a religious thing or start quoting scripture on you. But for everyone else, please turn to Luke, Chapter 8.
In this story, Jesus comes to the aid of a family who has a "sleeping" daughter. Folks start talking crazy to Jesus for some reason, as if he wasn't going to be able to do what he came to do - heal the young girl.
So he kicked em all out. Everyone except the family and the girl herself.
All the miscellaneous folks - they had to go.
Everyone talking noise - holla back. We're trying to focus here.
All the doubters, complainers, non believers and those without faith or encouragement - they didn't have to go home, but they had to get up out of here.
So the lesson for us was to be that in our lives, there are people who SERIOUSLY need to be out of our lives and especially our decision making processes.
REAL TALK Time
Who in you life needs to GO? Not just go, but GOOOOOOOO.
Some youngsters showed up to the party at one point, and we ain't playing that. They were told respectfully that they had to GO.
Some cops showed up, three of them in fact, talking bout a noise complaint (which may or may not have happened). One of them said nothing, one was decent enough, explained the situation and I personally asked him what did we need to do specifically. The cars had to get off the grass and the music had to come down, and that was it. The third bitch (you can tell I don't like him, eh?) decided he needed to not only repeat the entire conversation, but add some mumbo jumbo about even if these people bring their own liquor, if something happens we're responsible for yadda yadda yadda and how even though the music is down I can hear the people talking in the back yard from out front yadda yadda yadda. OK bitch cop, you have to GO. In this instance, you've got to GO means me saying "yeah I think we already covered that, if there's anything else we can do for you let us know. we're going to go get people to move their cars now". In other words, shut the fuck up and get off of my property. Even if its not my house. You've got to GO. Its clear you aren't going to shut the party down, nor can you really, and for reasons that would be clear if you knew the homeowner, I needed to be the negotiator with the police. BUT, if it were my house and I wasn't representing someone else's interests - I might've cussed him out. He's got to GO. If you don't know how to treat other adults, cop or no cop, we can get you jumped.
Moving on
Let's talk about your life. Not your dating life specifically, but we may get to that later.
Your "friends". Lets be real about this. How much space do you have for close friendships? 3 slots? 5? Everyone can't be your best buddy. At some point, you end up spending more time and energy with certain people than others. But do you have the right team in place for you? Do you have friends who will support you without enabling your darker side, challenge you to be better but not be overbearing or holier than thou, and do you actually like hanging out with them?
And that's at a minimum.
If you have friends that are always into some dumb shit, always needing to borrow money (and either pay back extremely slow or not at all), always got some new scheme they want to get you in on, always moving around, humping around or doing things that might look back on your reputation, they've got to GO.
It doesn't matter how long you've been friends. If the only reason you are friends with a particular person is time, as in you've been friends forever, then you might need to think about your emphasis on time.
Its not easy to make new friends, trust me I know. Most of my friends, I've had since college if not earlier. But I have added about 1 good, decent homie to the inner circle every year or two. I think I can say I have 5 tight friends from my 4+ years living in Houston. And about 10 or so more people I would also consider friends and not that dumb "associates" title, but I may not have spent as much time with.
Part of that is because I am a good friend. Check my stats. I'm not perfect by any means - I could probably tell you what my friends complain about in regards to me with 90% accuracy - but they continue to put up with me. That must mean I'm doing something right. People who I decided I didnt like anymore, I stopped putting up with them.
Friendship is important. Sometimes you will be in a situation, say when you move to a new city, where you are "friends" with someone you normally wouldn't be as tight with if you, or both of you, knew more people in that city. That's dangerous and you have to navigate those situations clearly. You don't want to start smoking weed all because your local best friend does when that's not something you're into. You don't want to start hitting the clubs and drinking till all hours of the night 4 nights a week just because you want someone to think you're cool.
It takes time to develop new friendships and even if you have similar interests to someone, you still have to pick the right folks.
And then there's the dating aspect of friendship.
There are very few, if any, TRULY Platonic friendships in the world. Most of the women I know are in fucking denial about this, and I always tell them not to get it twisted - most of their homeboys would smash. Not that they would TRY to, but if given the opportunity and a reasonable expectation that there'd be no supernegative repercussions, they'd do it. Its a solid FACT. Now, this can expire slowly over time, but its a very very slow process. I've explained it before. 3 years must pass where neither of you are dating someone else and you have opportunities to go there and you BOTH choose not to for it to qualify. If you are a woman, and you've known a man 3 years exactly, but you had a dude for 8 months, and he had a woman for a year, factoring in recovery time, I'd say you still have 2 years left to get to this fantasy land of fake platonicism.
All that to say, if you are a woman, and your new city friend is a guy...you know...awkward.
And if you're a man or a woman and your new friend is of the same gender... what happens when you like THE SAME TYPE of person of the opposite sex (or the same sex for those of you who are into that. Its all good)?
That can be very interesting. I have some homeboys who are fairly aggressive on the hollaring scale. I'm thinking of two in particular who just cannot go out with each other to the club without some sort of semi-incident popping off. One will pull a chick, the other will see him do it, and still double back to try to get her number later that night. That can end up extremely bad for a couple of reasons I don't really think I have to explain. But it doesn't really need to happen.
Temperment. Your friends need to have the right temperment for you to deal with them and vice versa.
These two guys aren't really "friends" they are hangout buddies, and their temperments dictate that's as far as it can go.
Its ok to have hangout-only friends, talk only friends or whatever, but you gotta make sure you're putting people in the right slots.
Everyone who isn't fit for duty...they've got to GO.
And for a quick REAL TALK application on the dating front... come on let's be real here... everyone reading this probably right now has an ex or a former jumpoff or "buddy" in their lives that really needs to be completely removed. Even if its rare that you deal with them, your time, energy, emotions and mental space are spent thinking about or dealing with this negative person who doesn't treat you right or doesn't show you any real interest. Why do you still allow this person in your life? What is it? Does she smell good? Can he cook or lay the pipe too well? Whatever it is, figure it out. Then stop acting like there's only one good cook or plumber on the block.
People always say, "oh I haven't found anyone else" but Dr Hak is a FIRM believer in having to take your medicine. Meaning - you might just have to be a little lonely to make sure you have space when the Right One shows up. Its called being emotionally available.
I know a young lady right now who is has allowed a relationship she didn't really want to continue far too long, and now she's going ring shopping with a guy she still doesn't like, two years later. But he spends so much money on her, the inner-digger can't get enough. Most dudes out here ain't trying to trick THAT type of dough on a chick who hasn't earned the treatment (that's why its called tricking), just like my homegirl who had a hard time figuring out what it meant when some guy she just met 3 weeks ago didn't want to buy her a plane ticket to come see her.
Men trick dough based on their income and their options. A man isn't spending money on one girl when he has 10 in his face he can either see for free or may even spend on him. Its called "The Game". Sometimes the Game is for you, sometimes its bites you in the ass. (That's why niggas shouldn't play games!)
That first situation I was talking about - I really feel for the dude on some levels. He's divorced and thought this new woman he met two years ago was the one. She is pretty and seems like everything his ex-wife isnt. He said he left his ex-wife because he was never really in love with her... well... now, if he wants to admit it to himself or not, he's in the reverse situation. Somehow he didn't notice that as long as he was paying for everything when they went out, he got her time of day. But what he didn't know, is that for the majority of their relationship, she was still going out on dates and having sex with other guys. Why is she leading him on like that? Because she doesn't think anyone else is going to provide those financial measures she wants. That's my best guess. Men have spent money on her before but at some point they've lost interest. (Dr Hak's going to go out on a limb here and say that's at the point where she finally has to give them sex. Perhaps said sex isn't the best in the world, and the guy, having got what he wanted after all that time and being disappointed, realizes he and his wallet can do better. It happens a lot, even when the money isn't involved. A guy will show all this interest until he actually gets the sex, then he's kinda done with the situation.) She may be right, but it could be far too late for her to realize that. What happens if he loses his job? Does she even care?
I'm not saying a woman shouldn't want to date a man who has enough money to take care of him and her. That's fine, if you pause for a second and realize that $60,000 has been enough money to feed a family of 5 forever and the rest is just lifestyle choices.
But if you date someone, or are attracted to someone just because he has money, well... you're the one who eventually is going to have to GO.
Its crazy out there, keep it REAL TALK.
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