Earlier today, my dear friend Lydia Cotton posted a facebook video about her friends comment that she wasn't "Girlfriend Material". Its not true, but the conversation that ensued brought up some very interesting viewpoints.
First of all, I had to check a young Captain-Save-a-Ho ass ninja, who called me "Stone Age" for insisting that to a man, a woman who goes out and gets an education and big time career started "only to quit in 5 years when we start having kids" is no more attractive than a less ambitious woman.
My comment wasn't designed to express my own personal viewpoints, but that of a mindset of a ton of men, especially really successful "Top Ten Percent" brothas that all the women seem to chase these days. (On the flip, a quick look at my dating history is solidly in the "Dr Hak dates Smart, career-oriented women" category = lawyer, banker, consultant, lawyer, corporate professional, pharma sales, etc etc. There was one admin but she was very smart and talented and is a project manager now)
But even with me, my reasons for dating these type of women is 100%.. no, 10000% selfish - I want smart kids. I will not accept less. Do you know how many gorgeous women I've had available to me that I've essentially passed on because I didn't find their conversation skills to indicate the appropriate level of intelligence? It's more than 10. Straight dimes son, shot down. Don't let my zaniness fool you, Dr Hak pulls dimes like Scrooge McDuck.
Back to the point of this entry.
Ladies, remember the reason you have a career is NOT to help you pull a man. That career, that car, that house - those thing DO NOT make you more attractive to a man, in general. You got those things for, you, so you don't NEED a man, not so you can pull one.
We are NOT looking for someone who is going to be an equal partner in the finances, etc. You either make more money than me, or I make more than you, but even if you do make more than me, guess what? (**read the title of this entry again**)
Now when I say we don't give a fuck about your career and hopes and dreams and all that, I do NOT MEAN THAT IN THE NEGATIVE sense. I mean it in the NEUTRAL sense of not give a fuck. I hope you have the ability to distinguish. There's "not giving a fuck" and "fuck you" - two totally different things.
All I'm trying to say is, men are not choosing you because you'll bring in a good amount of income to the table. Sure some men are into that, but its less than 10% of the population. Most of them are freeloaders, the rest are guys who want a particular lifestyle. Other than that, Men have it in our heads that we are going to be fantastically successful and provide everything for you and our eventual children that we could ever need. We have chosen you as a mate for different reasons than your education, career success and earning potential.
I already told you my reason for dating semi go-getters = genetic engineering. But there are a lot of brilliant women who are not "Career women" that I would be down with as well. I'm looking for brains not cash. As a foundation, men are looking for all the womanly things women stereotypically bring to a relationship. Sometimes referred to as the "softness" .
The problem a lot of career women have in meeting/keeping good black men is that they don't know how to separate the things that make them successful in corporate america/running a business from the things that make you successful in dealing with black men.
Don't tell me how to order my food at the dinner table. I don't care how many people you manage at the office.
Don't organize my closet for me.
Don't talk crazy to me because you're upset.
Certain behaviors you can pull off, or are even FORCED to learn how to pull off at the office will get you shut down at home. Its called, the "boss lady effect" and here's an article about it. http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88034/dating-reality-1-surprising-reason-men-dont-call-women-back
We want a woman who knows how to treat us AND knows how to communicate to us how she wants to be treated. Our relationship with you is about you and i, not what you do when you leave the house from 8 to 6.
And by "we don't care" that doesn't mean we won't support you just as strongly as you support us. It means... we're not impressed by your accomplishments at work - this ain't no job interview. Can you make me a decent sandwich? Can you make me feel better when my team loses a big game?
Can you make me feel WANTED?
Some tips on that
1. Be nice to him
2. Don't make him have to ask for shit he likes (Head, Neck Massage, a SMILE when you see him)
3. Act happy to see him when you see him
4. Act glad to hear from him when you pick up the phone "Oh. Hey." is some bullshit... See More
5. Pay attention to the things he says he likes and show some interest in learning about them (i.e. my girl will go with me to watch the UFC at a bar. She doesn't have to, but I know she's ONLY going to spend time with me.)
6. Compliment him
7. If you got $, pick up the check every now and then
8. Head. And by head I mean hooking your man up, then going and getting him a tight sandwich and some iced tea JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIM
Also, try reading some of this blog here - http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/the-top-five-annoying-yet-endearing-things-women-only-do-if-theyre-into-you/
Learn something...
Dr Hak Out
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